I am honestly shocked by how hard my grief is hitting me. His sister's anniversary this year was peaceful, if bitterweet, and I guess I thought it would be the same with Noah's. But it's not. Nearly a year has passed and I am suddenly as flattened as I was on the day that it happened. My whole body hurts, particularly my chest -- I feel as if someone has literally punched me in the heart. My extremeties are cold, despite the summer heat.
After a lifetime of treading water, or wading only in the shallows of my emotions, I am startled by the reality of their depth. I did not know it was even possible to feel this much.
I know exactly what you mean when you say you had no idea it was possible to feel this much. I can't believe the abilities of the depth of emotion. It's staggering.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have had to know what this is like twice. That breaks my heart. And even though it's coming up on a year with Noah, it's okay for you to feel the way you did when it happened. I have learned in these past nearly 5 months that this journey is all about ups and downs and 2 steps forward, 1 step back. And that's okay. This is a crazy awful road we're on and it's never going to be the same everyday. You have a right to hurt. So don't feel bad about feeling bad!! I'll be keeping you in my prayers as you reach Noah's one year. So much love to you, Vera Kate. <3
Thanks for your support, Nicole. I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI cried when I read Avery's story on your blog. You told it so well, and I am impressed by your strength. I had a smililar experience with Noah -- that sudden wave of overwhelming fear. I spent an hour on a Friday night crying, telling my baby how much I loved him, begging him to stay; and the next day I found out he was gone. Waiting for my body to give him up was the worst thing I've ever had to do.
Thanks for putting your blog out there, for your honesty, and for your encouragement. Peace to you, and Daniel, and sweet Avery.