August 19, 2013

day of hope

So many days spent in darkness before I finally realized: the light never went anywhere. It's only that I had my eyes clenched shut so tight. There is no shame in it, I was only protecting myself -- brilliantly, I might add. I hope one day you will see it too, if you haven't already. That the light never leaves you. That you can be warm again if you want to.

I will probably lose friends over this pregnancy. I know what it's like, a betrayal almost, to go to a place that housed your pain and find it filled instead with tentative hope that you are not ready to take part in, not yet. I'll understand if you don't want to come here anymore, though I'm still myself, still willing to hold your hand, and your pain will never be strange to me.

I am grateful for the space I had to know myself, before this baby came along. We can enter our relationship on sturdy, even ground. I am not desperate for this baby. I do not need him/her more than he/she needs me. We are bound by our mutual relationship, no more and no less, rather than a pre-existing need to possess or replace, and already I am giving my baby a better start than I ever had a chance at.

Love and light to you on this remembering day, wheverever you are, whoever you are.

Hurting and healed, desperate and calm, eyes open or shut -- you are worthy.

Visit Project Heal for information about the Day of Hope. Or read more of my thoughts on babyloss here.

August 17, 2013

side effect

Being pregnant has made so many old memories fresh again. I dream about some thing that happened or some member of my family I never see anymore weekly, if not nightly. Mostly it does not rattle me too badly, but it does make me thoughtful and sometimes sad. During the day it stays on my mind and I have told P many little stories over the last couple of months, stories I've never told anyone. It is good to get them out, and P takes it in stride. He's learned to listen and nod and say "That's weird" or "That's fucked up" and then let it go. And I nod too, and keep folding the sheets, because that is all I needed from him. On their own, these anecdotes in a normal family might only make you wrinkle your nose or shake your head, but all together, and combined with the deeper tragedies behind them, it is rather terrible to think about. I am thankful to have someone to be with me in it and also help me push past and through. I did it by myself for so long.

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for September 20th. If we find out it's a girl, I've decided to get into counseling again right away. If it's a boy, I may wait and see how it goes. Either way I'll have a support team on standby after the birth. I am at a million percent risk for postpartum depression, and I am not willing to put myself, P, or the baby through any more of that than I can help.

August 12, 2013


The worst part about riding a crowded train every day has got to be the overabundance of eye level penis.

August 7, 2013


Apartment living has its pitfalls (most of our annoyances have been plumbing-related) but so far things are working out and we like our new place. Fremont has pretty much every convenience you could ask for, and we are enjoying exploring the area. I am really happy with the way life is coming together right now; the apartment, the baby, and being with a really great guy who loves me and enjoys my company. I feel like things are on track for once, even though it scares me to say it. I am just trying to appreciate this time, and take each day as it comes.

August 5, 2013

two lists

Things I Used To Enjoy But Which Baby
Apparently Finds Highly Offensive

  • Coffee
  • V8 Fusion fruit juice
  • String cheese
  • Cheddar bunnies
  • Goldfish crackers
  • Every other kind of cracker
  • Vitamin Water
  • Cashews
  • Peach yogurt
  • Broccoli (and most other vegetables)
  • Apricots
  • Apples
  • Sprite
  • Chocolate
  • Cheerios
  • Mexican food
  • Sweet smells
  • Excessive heat

  • Things That Baby Approves Of

  • Smoothies
  • Apple juice
  • Roast chicken
  • Pancakes
  • Chinese food
  • Peach cups