December 27, 2013

merry christmas


We had a nice time with Phil's family for Christmas and will spend Sunday celebrating again with mine. Still deciding what to do for NYE. I've had a cold so it will depend on how I feel, but it doesn't really matter to me what we do as long as we're together. Hope you enjoy the last few days of 2013! See you on the other side. xoxo

December 18, 2013

I'll eat you up I love you so

Yesterday I got out of work a little early so I had some time to myself at home. I decided to take stock of what I had so far for Christmas gifts, see what I still needed, and start wrapping the things that were ready. I had to take a break because sitting on the floor is no treat these days (plus baby hates it when I lean forward and take up any of his coveted room) so I moved to the arm chair to lean back for a bit and the baby was wiggling around like crazy and making my belly jump all over the place, and I was wishing he was out so I could see him better, and wrangle his flailing little arms and legs and kiss him all up. And for the very first time I felt just pure mushy loviness at the idea of him being here finally, with no trepidation or anxiety even faintly tingeing it, and I have to say it was such a huge relief to realize it afterward. That I could be just happy and excited, and not at all afraid, even if only briefly. There is hope.

December 12, 2013

party update

Our party on Saturday was beautiful. Everyone was so sweet and it was really warm and fuzzy to be surrounded by people that came from near and far to love on our little family and wish us well. Aside from the pile of presents it did not feel like a baby shower, for which I and the handful of men who attended were very grateful. I refused (gracefully, beforehand) to sit in a circle and open all the gifts in front of everyone but I did open things here and there throughout the evening with the person who had brought them. I think it is the happy medium of being polite to the party guests without having to be the primary focus of everyone's attention. It works for me anyway.

We brought the video camera but forgot to set it up and we were too busy mingling to take any pictures either. I did however put out a small scrapbook and some markers and had people write advice for the new parents, advice for the baby, and/or draw a picture. The results were awesome, better than any photos in my opinion. I love looking through it and it's a great keepsake.

In the name vote "Owen" won by a landslide, raking in half of all the votes. There were also a lot of write-ins. It was fun to see people's ideas, even though most of them were names I would never choose. We are still torn between our top two of Owen and Henry. Phil thinks we need to see his little face to be sure, and we may end up going to the hospital with two full names ready and just go with our gut feeling when he arrives. I never thought I would agree to such a thing, basing a name on looks, since babies are so wrinkly and their features change so much and so quickly when they start to smooth out. But when it comes down to it I'm sure we'll know. We'll have to, because there's no way I'm leaving with "Baby Boy H-----" on the paperwork!

We hardly got any of the items off of our registry, since people obviously have a lot more fun buying baby clothes than practical things. However we do have the carseat, jogger, and sleeper, a month of diapers and wipes, and plenty of cute clothes. The crib is on the way but we won't really need it at first anyway. So we are ready! Woohoo! Now baby just needs six to eight more weeks to get all his parts in good working order. I will be trying my best to keep it together until then.

December 5, 2013

counting down

Two months sounds like way too long to still be pregnant and also not nearly long enough to have everything ready for this baby. But I want him out. I am so miserable. (Please for the love of all that is good do not remind me that first babies almost never come early and more often come late. I might not speak to you ever again.) We are hoping for anytime between Feb 1-14. He will be full term and good to go. I am counting down, trying to focus on things I have to look forward to in the meantime.

First up: the party this Saturday. They had to call it a "Welcoming Baby Party" instead of a baby shower, so that I would show up, because I have always hated baby showers so much! I am looking forward to this party though. They promised me co-ed attendees, no silly games, and lots of good food with sparkling cider for me and nice wine for everyone else. We are also letting people vote on the baby's name, out of our top five choices. Should be interesting. And if we can arrange it we might also set up a video camera for people to record messages to the baby. Yay!

After that comes Christmas, then New Year's. Then just a few more weeks of work and deciding when to begin my maternity leave. Time should fly. I hope so.

December 1, 2013

Thanksgiving-ish

Turns out I didn't actually take any pictures on Thanksgiving, but I do have a few from the days before and after...


Before: My cousin and a friend wanted to learn to make pies from scratch, so I got to practice my teaching skills and prep for Thanksgiving at the same time. We made apple, pumpkin, and chicken pot pies. It took pretty much all day. They said now when they get one of my pies as a gift they will be even more appreciative :)


1. Baby gettin' all up in my way.
2. My protege's first apple pie. So proud!
3. One of my pumpkin pies


After: Up in Grass Valley with Phil's family where we spend the holidays our Black Friday tradition is to sleep in as late as we can and then go on a hike in the afternoon. This year was more of a walking excursion, for my sake, but just as fun.


1. Gray Lodge Wildlife Area
2. My Philip
3. Me with Phil's neices

November 24, 2013

catching fire

Last night we went to see Catching Fire and it was excellent. No complaints whatsoever, I think they translated it perfectly from page to screen, which is really rare. (I had to explain a few things to Phil afterward, but he enjoyed it as well.) Then of course when you watch a movie in the evening you dream about it all night... so that was interesting to say the least. If they do the last one correctly it will be nightmares instead of dreams, but I am still looking forward to it.

November 10, 2013

resolved

I actually won an argument for once.
So, no more trouble in paradise. For now.

November 8, 2013

what didn't kill me never made me stronger



Could really use a drink. Or three. Or seven.

Hard week, shitty day, now boyfriend went off to play with his friends and left me behind on a Friday night, six months pregnant, alone and lonely. What the FUCK?

I am not a happy camper.

October 31, 2013

and you are

whatever a moon has always meant and
whatever a sun will always sing
is you.

October 28, 2013

feels like fall



For the first time ever I am happy that it is finally cold outside. Much more comfortable for me in my present condition. I had a dr's appointment on Friday, at which I cried a lot but it was very helpful and I got a mental health referral which I never would have thought was something I'd be pleased about but I am. Still just getting through work one day at a time but I am relieved by knowing now that my doctor can approve my maternity leave as soon as it becomes necessary. So, possibly sooner than later. One thing that really threw me off however was that the hospital still refers to me by my old name. It's quite jarring, especially with how emotional I am already. I had finally gotten my new insurance card (after more than a year!) so I was expecting it to finally all be changed over at the hospital when I arrived this time, but alas, it was not so, which did not help at all to deter the crying. I did get someone to make a note on my file though, so maybe next time? Shan't get my hopes up, I'll just be better braced for it next time. Though if anyone calls me anything but Vera while I am trying to give birth I will seriously lose. my. shit.

Phil is taking good care of me and I am grateful. I know he is in this for the long haul, because he told me so, but also because that is the kind of person he is. We've always been good about splitting up household chores, but now he also has been taking on more dinners as well, which is very helpful.

One day at a time, as usual. Looking forward very much to Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then baby. I hope I will be able to just be happy, when he comes. As my doctor said, it's not fair that I keep suffering for what other people did. I should be able to just be happy. I already care so much more for my baby, have done so much more to nurture and protect him in these last six months than my parents ever did for me. The thought of it is hurtful and sharp. Every time I talk to him, I tear up. I think it's a combination of hardly being able to believe that he's going to really be mine, and a sense of loss over what I've never had, what no one ever felt for me. I just hope that whenever I see his little face, the joy will outweigh the pain. For both of our sakes.

October 17, 2013

silent

I do not talk much. I am thinking every day about your tiny body, about the delicate chemistry of your brain. I wonder what you will be like, about the depths of your psyche, the unknown places of your soul. I feel guilty, because I should be talking to you, should be laughing and singing and telling you stories so that you will remember my voice and will know that you are welcome here and will think that this is a cool place to live. All the books say so. They say I should talk. I want to. But most of the time all I can seem to do is cradle your temporary home in my two hands and try not to cry. I am quiet because I am afraid, and I don't want you to know. But I'm sure that you know. Your future flashes through my mind by day and my own past haunts my dreams by night. Carrying you this far is the most difficult and frightening thing I have ever done. Even steel has it's breaking point, and I am far less than that.

-----

I'm trying. My own voice is loud in my ears, and startles me, alone in the car. Other times I rub my belly and send loving thoughts and hope that it counts for something. My biggest concern is mental health. I want him to be sound, smart, capable, courageous. I tell myself there's no reason why we shouldn't all three of us be diliriously happy, deliciously whole. But I worry still. Standing at a crossroads again, and not knowing where we will live, what we will do. I want Phil to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I hope we can achieve that at the same time, in the same life, together. I hope so for our baby's sake and for our own sakes, too. I need to do some research, get some things figured out, ease my anxiety somehow, self-reflect. But work saps my mental energy and by the time I get home I feel like there is little or nothing left. We need the money just to get by, for now and for later, but I am so miserable going to work every day, and there are still four months to go. I'm not sure what to do.

Will you send us some loving thoughts? It must count for something.

October 15, 2013

remembrance

Not long ago I wondered if I would ever be able to carry a baby to term. I still don't know, not yet. It looks like I probably can. I am hopeful. I am afraid of losing my baby, and I am afraid too of what happens after he makes it here in one piece. But I am thankful for this experience, for the movements I feel even as I type this, that I was unsure if I would ever be allowed to know. Two losses under my belt, and some have suffered even more. But losses or no, it does not make you better, or bigger, or smaller, or less than anyone else. It is a thing that happens, that has happened before. You let it break you, or you carry on, just like anything else.

It’s weird to think that joy and grief can exist in a person at the same time but they can, and one doesn’t cancel out the other. - from Apache & Honeysuckle

October 8, 2013

ka-ra-te

I seem to be harboring a tiny ninja. It is highly distracting/enjoyable.

September 21, 2013

It's a...






















BOY!!! We are so excited, and looking forward to meeting our cute little man in February.

September 19, 2013

tomorrow

Ultrasound appointment tomorrow! We are beyond excited. If baby is cooperative I'll be back with a gender update as soon as I get a chance. :)

September 16, 2013

color me rad

I got to cross off one of my goals this weekend by completing my second 5k of the year. Obviously I wasn't breaking any records, personal or otherwise, but I was really proud of myself for doing it anyway. Alannah and I went by ourselves this year. We jogged a little and walked a lot and came in at right about 48 minutes. It was just as fun as last year, may be even more fun since we knew better what to expect, although I did suffer quite a bit this time afterward with knees so sore that it was almost impossible to get back up to my second-story apartment later that day. May have cried a little bit. But I survived and hope to do it again, and maybe we'll even take the Peanut along next time.


September 3, 2013

one year






Happy Anniversary, my love! Thank you for all of the fun and adventures. This has been the happiest year of my life so far. I can't wait to meet our awesome baby, and start this new chapter with you -- I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

You are my favorite. I love you. xoxo

August 19, 2013

day of hope

So many days spent in darkness before I finally realized: the light never went anywhere. It's only that I had my eyes clenched shut so tight. There is no shame in it, I was only protecting myself -- brilliantly, I might add. I hope one day you will see it too, if you haven't already. That the light never leaves you. That you can be warm again if you want to.

I will probably lose friends over this pregnancy. I know what it's like, a betrayal almost, to go to a place that housed your pain and find it filled instead with tentative hope that you are not ready to take part in, not yet. I'll understand if you don't want to come here anymore, though I'm still myself, still willing to hold your hand, and your pain will never be strange to me.

I am grateful for the space I had to know myself, before this baby came along. We can enter our relationship on sturdy, even ground. I am not desperate for this baby. I do not need him/her more than he/she needs me. We are bound by our mutual relationship, no more and no less, rather than a pre-existing need to possess or replace, and already I am giving my baby a better start than I ever had a chance at.

Love and light to you on this remembering day, wheverever you are, whoever you are.

Hurting and healed, desperate and calm, eyes open or shut -- you are worthy.



Visit Project Heal for information about the Day of Hope. Or read more of my thoughts on babyloss here.

August 17, 2013

side effect

Being pregnant has made so many old memories fresh again. I dream about some thing that happened or some member of my family I never see anymore weekly, if not nightly. Mostly it does not rattle me too badly, but it does make me thoughtful and sometimes sad. During the day it stays on my mind and I have told P many little stories over the last couple of months, stories I've never told anyone. It is good to get them out, and P takes it in stride. He's learned to listen and nod and say "That's weird" or "That's fucked up" and then let it go. And I nod too, and keep folding the sheets, because that is all I needed from him. On their own, these anecdotes in a normal family might only make you wrinkle your nose or shake your head, but all together, and combined with the deeper tragedies behind them, it is rather terrible to think about. I am thankful to have someone to be with me in it and also help me push past and through. I did it by myself for so long.

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for September 20th. If we find out it's a girl, I've decided to get into counseling again right away. If it's a boy, I may wait and see how it goes. Either way I'll have a support team on standby after the birth. I am at a million percent risk for postpartum depression, and I am not willing to put myself, P, or the baby through any more of that than I can help.

August 12, 2013

drawbacks

The worst part about riding a crowded train every day has got to be the overabundance of eye level penis.

August 7, 2013

currently

Apartment living has its pitfalls (most of our annoyances have been plumbing-related) but so far things are working out and we like our new place. Fremont has pretty much every convenience you could ask for, and we are enjoying exploring the area. I am really happy with the way life is coming together right now; the apartment, the baby, and being with a really great guy who loves me and enjoys my company. I feel like things are on track for once, even though it scares me to say it. I am just trying to appreciate this time, and take each day as it comes.

August 5, 2013

two lists


Things I Used To Enjoy But Which Baby
Apparently Finds Highly Offensive

  • Coffee
  • V8 Fusion fruit juice
  • String cheese
  • Cheddar bunnies
  • Goldfish crackers
  • Every other kind of cracker
  • Vitamin Water
  • Cashews
  • Peach yogurt
  • Broccoli (and most other vegetables)
  • Apricots
  • Apples
  • Sprite
  • Chocolate
  • Cheerios
  • Mexican food
  • Sweet smells
  • Excessive heat


  • Things That Baby Approves Of

  • Smoothies
  • Apple juice
  • Roast chicken
  • Pancakes
  • Chinese food
  • Peach cups
  • July 10, 2013

    settled

    P is staying over for a few days this week. This morning as I was getting ready, I reached into the medicine cabinet without looking to grab something, and did not feel what I expected. When I looked, I saw that P had found a space and put his shaving kit in there, instead of putting it back in his bag, or leaving it on the counter as he usually would.

    This little act of settling in has made me absurdly happy all morning.

    June 15, 2013

    for keeps

    I think I would like
    to sleep by your side
    for most of the
    nights of

    the rest

    of

    our

    lives.

    June 12, 2013

    so yeah

    We survived the move. P was amazing. I had literally 3x as much stuff as he did but he helped with all of it and never complained. Seriously, not even once. And he complains about everything! But not this. I have to give him so much credit.

    I am exhausted, but settling in okay -- keeping in mind that it's a temporary setup. Hopefully when I move AGAIN in a few months it will be somewhere I can stay for a good long time.

    June 11, 2013

    californians


    This reminds me of basically everyone from CA. Particularly the women.
    It's taking a long time to get used to :(

    June 6, 2013

    typical

    I've been procrastinating rather badly but it's all coming down to the wire now so I'll be packing furiously (adverb open to interpretation) tonight and tomorrow and getting everything in order on Saturday and then moving on Sunday. P is moving as well, so we have a lot of work in front of us this weekend but I know we can do it.

    Work has been very busy lately which is really good for the company but exhausting for me, and it means I haven't had a real day off since Memorial Day and what with moving am unlikely to have one again until at least the 15th. Hopefully I don't drop before that.

    Anyway, take care guys. If I don't show up next week send a search party.

    May 31, 2013

    Right Where I Am: 2013

    Ailis - almost 6 years / Noah - almost 4 years

    I don't track days anymore. I have to stop and count on my fingers, now, to be sure of the years that have passed. Ah, they would be so big! Kindergarten, for Lissie, can you imagine...?!

    Alas, I cannot.

    They have made me a mother but I am deprived of the experiences that make up the stories that make you friends on the outside. Prison terminology seems appropriate to me; babyloss is too much like a life-long sentence for the wrongfully accused, or maybe involuntary committal to a psych ward. Except there is no release for good behavior, no cure, and even if you escape, finally, on a rainbow, there's still a part of your life that almost no one will ever be truly comfortable hearing about unless they've been there too.

    Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on
    .*

    My heart is changed. It contains more than I ever thought possible. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside, and through its transformation I became half time-lord, half human, all whole. I have gained a perspective that is dizzying and grounding at once. The universe fits inside of me. Profound and simple and holy and profane. There is room for you too, and in you too.

    Mama, mama, be calm. We know how to wait. We are not afraid.
    Be calm, mama. We'll wait.


    My children are extraordinarily zen. They cannot teach, but I can learn. I suppose that's rather zen in itself.

    Into the air, into the earth, into the fire. I am with you.**

    Peace. Love. Light.

    I am not broken, and neither are you.



    *You do not have to be good, Mary Oliver
    **Xenocide, Orson Scott Card


    -----

    You can read my previous years' posts here: Right Where I Am 2011 (Part I)(Part II) & Right Where I Am 2012, and link up with us on still life with circles.

    May 29, 2013

    PSA

    When I get upset and cry it's not because I don't think I can handle whatever it is I'm upset about. It's not that I think it won't work out. It's that I'm tired of working things out. I'm tired of putting a brave face on, tired of being strong and intrepid, tired of persevering through adversity.

    I wish the universe would go ahead and lay off the fucking adversity already. I am exhausted. It makes me needy and weepy and ensnared in murky memories of what life was like all the time before.

    I don't need or expect anyone to solve my problems; no one ever has and I've made it this far haven't I. I just need someone to sit next to me and say, What the fuck, dude? This situation is bullshit. Super unfair. You must be really tired. And once I've cried myself out and I'm feeling better, I still don't need anyone to tell me what to do. I need someone to show some respect for an expert in misfortune such as myself. To say, I know you can figure this out, with or without me. But I want to help if I can. I'm going to be right here, the whole time, and you can tell me what the plan is once you've made up your mind.

    May 22, 2013

    out of reach

    The only thing
    I want from you
    is the only thing
    that you're

    not

    yet

    willing

    to

    give.


    May 21, 2013

    the root of it

    I finally got some of my thoughts down on paper yesterday. I couldn't do it on the computer; the cursor flashes too impatiently, distracting and insulting at the same time. Not exactly conducive to vulnerability. I needed actual paper -- something that I could hold, and that I could drop tears on if necessary, and that I could crumple up and throw away if it did not please me. A pen is quiet, and polite. It will let you rest in between ideas, and never admit whether it thinks any less of you for it.

    I had to do some digging, to get to the root of the problems I'm facing at the moment. Why the things that are throwing me off are throwing me in such varied and unexpected directions. The roots go wide, but not deep, so I have hope. I've been talking all week to anyone who will listen, but I am tactile and visual above all, and it helps me to better navigate when I can see my thoughts and fears written down, mapping my ephemeral geography, untidy but defined.

    May 20, 2013

    you do not have to be good

    You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    are moving across the landscapes,
    over the prairies and the deep trees,
    the mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    are heading home again.
    Wherever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.


    Mary Oliver

    -----

    This is my favorite poem. The calm it brings does not last much past the reading of it, if I am truly distressed, but when I need to I'll read it over and over and over until it sticks.

    May 17, 2013

    keep calm and press play

    Just wanted to let you know that Josh Garrels and The Oh Hellos both make a lot of music that is very well suited to running outdoors / thinking deep thoughts / pretending you're in a movie montage. I find it uniquely helpful in circumstances such as these.



    By the way, if you go to noisetrade.com you can get albums like this for free or by donation, and also explore and access lots of other interesting music as well. This isn't a sponsored post... I just think NoiseTrade is cool.

    May 16, 2013

    feeling all the feels

    I've been trying to keep it to myself, but you guys -- my life is a fucking shit show right now. I'm getting kicked out of my studio because the main house was sold, I'm close to broke and totally unprepared to move, my boyfriend is making long-term plans without discussing it with me until afterward because apparently he doesn't understand what it means to be in a serious relationship, I can't focus on work AT ALL, and I'm still super weak and tired and emotional from being so sick.

    I feel like I am losing my fucking mind. Uplifting thoughts would be appreciated.

    May 14, 2013

    puerto vallarta

    Here's a little handful of photos from Mexico. It turns out I really didn't take very many. I think if P and I went I would end up with a lot more, because he loves photography and would be more willing to stop and capture shots than the people I traveled with this time. I hope we can go together someday. I'll definitely be more careful of what I eat! Aside from the vile case of food poisoning it was a pretty fun trip. I really enjoyed speaking Spanish again and always appreciate being immersed in a different culture.




    1. Mojito 2. On the beach 3. Bougainvillaeas e'rywhere
    4. Taxis and flags 5. On the stairs 6. Flea market

    May 13, 2013

    redemption

    This past weekend was beautiful, in every way. Hands down the best mothers' day weekend of my life so far. We went up to Live Oak and I'll say it again and again, I love my boyfriend's family so much! With every visit they are more comfortable and more welcoming. They made it pretty clear this time that they are hoping they might get to keep me.

    Saturday was P's mom's birthday and we went out to a nice dinner with lots of relatives. It's my own mother's birthday as well, a date I've tried to put out of my mind for the most part, but D is worthy of celebrating and I'll gladly remember it for her. Sunday morning I gave her a birthday/mothers' day card and she thanked me and hugged me and told me I was one of her daughters, which surprised me enough that it almost made me cry. I told her I'd take all the mothering I could get.

    It got really hot in the afternoon so I absconded with P's nieces on a secret mission to the Dollar store, where we stocked up on squirt guns, water balloons, and sponges, and then went home to recruit everyone into some backyard anarchy to combat the 98+ degree temps. The whole family dropped everything to play with us, and it was awesome.

    All day, I did not think about sad things. I never felt pressured. Or uncomfortable. Or angry. Or depressed. I was surrounded by people who accepted and cared for me, people who were grateful for my presence. I was lavished with generous verbal and physical affection that had no strings attached. And it was all so easy. So soul-refreshing. I felt free.

    May 10, 2013

    tactics

    I used to be obsessed with any injury I would get; cuts and scrapes and bruises from riding my bike, climbing trees, running through corn fields, hiding in barns, stepping on nails. Tears only elicited anger, not sympathy, so I knew better than to go looking for help where I'd find none. Instead I would sit down, quietly, wherever I was, and watch myself bleed. Encourage it, even. Squeeze the place where my insides had opened and examine the ruby red river as it pumped out, fascinatingly bright. How could something so luminous come from a place so hidden and dark? It was beautiful. Hopeful. Sad.

    Don't pick your scabs, she said, they'll scar. So I hid, and worked at them harder. Because I wanted the scars, was desperate for scars. A collector.

    Scars show what's happened. They leave a story behind. It was fascinating to me, that my pain could leave a story behind. But it was wretchedly unfair, too: these small injuries, which hardly fazed me, left their mark, but the far more terrible things that happened to me every day did not show at all. No one knew. My insides were lacerated, perforated, a tangled mess. No one could see. It would not occur to anyone to ask me if I needed help.

    But if I pick, pick, pick at this, on the outside, if I make it last, someone might see. Someone might ask. Someone might notice, and sympathize, and talk to me. If only for a moment, and about a thing that did not matter. Maybe a scar could be more than a story. Maybe a scar could be a door.

    May 7, 2013

    :(

    Unfortunately the vacation photos will have to wait. I came down with a violent case of food poisoning on my last day in Mexico and am still recovering.

    Worst. Flight. Of. My. Life.

    May 1, 2013

    ¡Hasta luego!

    I'm off on a surprise adventure to Mexico. Extra excited, as I've never been there before. No media while I'm away, just sunshine and beach and exploring the local markets. A true vacation.

    I'll be back next week with photos.

    xoxo - vera

    April 26, 2013

    midnight ruckus

    Full moon sneaks into town and steals my sleep.

    My spirit animals chase each other around my studio and through my half waking, and I'm not really sure what that means.

    Wolf.

    Fox.

    Hart.

    Whale?

    Falcon.

    Swan.


    The fox is only joking, half the time.
    The fox is only joking half the time.

    Full moon sneaks into town and steals my sleep. Makes me sound crazy and redundant. Makes me vibrate, blood humming. Makes me speculate in the silver dark. Makes the animals restless.

    A thief, and a gifted one at that.

    Suddenly bored, it seems the desultory race has dissolved into a game of the-floor-is-hot-lava. Deer on the table, fox on the fridge, wolf on the ottoman. Swan in the bathtub, falcon on the bookcase. Whale has a distinct advantage. Did you ever see Life of Pi? Beautiful. They stare, in the animal way, which is to say none of them are looking at me directly and hence I've never felt so keenly observed in all my life. I feel near feral myself. Achingly alert.

    Love: It will kill you and save you, both.

    I am not high. I swear. It's only the moon, dragging me out of my bed, toward the sky.

    The animals flicker, then collapse like stars.

    April 24, 2013

    just saying

    "We" is so much more complicated than "I."

    April 23, 2013

    fitness secrets

    I've never in the history of ever had thighs that don't touch, though I am usually reasonably fit. I don't much mind the way they look but when I go running in shorts I get an icky rash which is extremely upsetting and painful. And I can't just stop wearing shorts because you guys it is dang hot out and plus I can't get a tan in yoga pants and without a tan I'm pretty sure they kick you out of CA. (Just kidding! Maybe? I don't know, I haven't totally figured this place out yet.)

    Anyway. If you have thighs that don't touch... Please, kind wizard, teach me your ways.

    April 18, 2013

    style

    You can't try to be somebody you're not; that's not style. If someone
    says, "Buy this, you'll be stylish," you won't be stylish because you won't
    be you. You have to learn who you are first, and that's painful.

    Iris Apfel

    I've been really wanting some new clothes, but I can't seem to find anything lately that speaks to me. I try to shop but the current trends don't fit my shape or my life and I leave frustrated. I'm struggling quite a bit with getting dressed in the mornings and I wish with increasing frequency that I could just walk around naked.

    I think it's true that you have to know who you are to choose clothes you like and that you feel spectacular in. And it's true that the learning of it is painful, as any kind of honest self examination can be. I think the reason I want a new wardrobe and the reason I'm having trouble choosing it are the same: I feel like I'm at the start of a new chapter of my life, poised again on the brink of some major changes... But this time I'm not scared, or confused, or anxious. I've discovered that I'm not a lot of the things that I once assumed defined my existence. So how do I choose a look that conveys a state of mind I've never experienced before? How do I dress for a future I never thought I'd see?

    April 16, 2013

    I'm so glad you were born



    Happy Birthday, my love!
    You really are the best. I hope you know it. xoxoxo


    April 14, 2013

    repercussions

    The agony of revelation
    is too excruciating for words
    the possibilities, the opportunities that await
    the delicious, terrible, frightening power
    of will, of choosing. We understand
    abruptly, profoundly, in the marrow of our bones
    that we are dying, that
    the very air, no matter how clear is poison
    slowly killing us, each breath hastening
    our own decay. Thus
    in one visceral moment paradise
    has become a hell
    and I hope you trust
    that I mean what I say
    when I say that ignorance was bliss but
    even as the taste of the fruit turns
    to ashes on our tongues we
    already

    crave

    another

    bite.


    April 13, 2013

    the love club


    Really enjoying The Love Club EP by Lorde. Playing on repeat!

    Discovered via Miss Moss, via A Cup of Jo.

    April 10, 2013

    April 8, 2013

    overheard

    Elderly Lady 1: "You need a man in your life. I hate to say it, but you do."
    Elderly Lady 2: "I don't want any more husbands. I've had enough of that."
    Elderly Lady 1: "Oh Lord, I didn't say a husband! Nobody needs a husband. I said a man."

    April 7, 2013

    vegas!



    Our whirlwind 48hr itinerary included: an upgraded convertible with the top down, Thai food, pizza, napping, late night TV, overpriced everything, margaritas by the pool, more napping, walking The Strip, taking lots of pictures, exploring casinos I hadn't seen yet, a mandatory stop at the Bellagio fountain (my favorite thing), more napping, getting dressed up to go dance at The Palms at 1:00am, city views from the rooftop, kitsch everywhere, more napping, more pool time, the Neon Boneyard, more pictures, not being too impressed with Fremont Street, and finally ducking into a nice bar full of locals for happy hour before our flight home.

    I'm glad we came back late Friday night and still had the weekend ahead of us to rest, because despite all the napping I am exhausted! But very happy we did it and thankful for my awesome, easygoing boyfriend.

    April 2, 2013

    couldn't ask for anything better

    On Sunday morning we laid in bed and listened to the rain peter out, finally exhausted from it's nightlong temper tantrum, until bright gold rays lanced the blinds and the birdies outside said it was time to get up, get up, get up. Without the ceremony of showers or hair brushing or, if we're being honest, real clothes for any of us, we bundled P's nieces out the door and into the car and off to Denny's. A's tiny hand in mine, like a baby bunny's, warm and improbably small, across the parking lot and into a big booth by the window where water still dripped from the eves and made a lacy curtain of sparkles as it fell. R's intense adolescent persona softened, for once, as she colored her menu, and it was nice to see a calm little girl, if only briefly, in her stead.

    We ordered breakfast, cheap and hot, and in between bites marveled quietly at the fancy church people in their pretty Easter clothes. Years ago, I would have felt self conscious under their eyes, but not now. I did not feel shabby, but shiny-bright and glorious and content. I looked around the table at those three complex and deeply lovely companions of mine and told them, I could not ask for anyone or anything better than you three, right here, right now. At a Denny's. On Easter morning.

    March 29, 2013

    want/need/wear/read : easter weekend



    Something I want
    : lacy gold earrings that go with everything / Something I need: hostess gifts for P's lovely mum / Something to wear: pretty skirt + chambray shirt / Something to read: Love Wins, by Rob Bell


    Inspired by Bleubird