October 28, 2013
feels like fall
For the first time ever I am happy that it is finally cold outside. Much more comfortable for me in my present condition. I had a dr's appointment on Friday, at which I cried a lot but it was very helpful and I got a mental health referral which I never would have thought was something I'd be pleased about but I am. Still just getting through work one day at a time but I am relieved by knowing now that my doctor can approve my maternity leave as soon as it becomes necessary. So, possibly sooner than later. One thing that really threw me off however was that the hospital still refers to me by my old name. It's quite jarring, especially with how emotional I am already. I had finally gotten my new insurance card (after more than a year!) so I was expecting it to finally all be changed over at the hospital when I arrived this time, but alas, it was not so, which did not help at all to deter the crying. I did get someone to make a note on my file though, so maybe next time? Shan't get my hopes up, I'll just be better braced for it next time. Though if anyone calls me anything but Vera while I am trying to give birth I will seriously lose. my. shit.
Phil is taking good care of me and I am grateful. I know he is in this for the long haul, because he told me so, but also because that is the kind of person he is. We've always been good about splitting up household chores, but now he also has been taking on more dinners as well, which is very helpful.
One day at a time, as usual. Looking forward very much to Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then baby. I hope I will be able to just be happy, when he comes. As my doctor said, it's not fair that I keep suffering for what other people did. I should be able to just be happy. I already care so much more for my baby, have done so much more to nurture and protect him in these last six months than my parents ever did for me. The thought of it is hurtful and sharp. Every time I talk to him, I tear up. I think it's a combination of hardly being able to believe that he's going to really be mine, and a sense of loss over what I've never had, what no one ever felt for me. I just hope that whenever I see his little face, the joy will outweigh the pain. For both of our sakes.