September 26, 2012

John Lennon

When I'm dreaming it feels like the most real thing. Until I wake up, and awake feels like the most real thing instead. And if there is another state, after or outside of awake, maybe it's the realest thing yet. Like the first time I ever fainted, and I seemed to see events playing out from a long way off, speeding up and speeding up until I rushed into the present again, into my body and what was happening to it, into pain in my arms where my friends were gripping them to keep me from slipping further away, to keep my body from slipping as far as my mind had gone. I laughed, because they were gripping my arms so tight, as if that could keep me here. As if I were tangible.

I'd only gone for a minute. But I'd gone to where no one could reach me, and it was huge and narrow and pitch black and bright and full of colors and unutterably, ineffably real.

It was more real than my fingertips on a clacking keyboard and skinny dark letters appearing on a flat white screen in an attempt to make you see. It was more real than tick tick tick and imaginary measurements of time, more real than faith or science, more real than pain. And it made me laugh, that they wanted me back. I didn't particularly want to come back, although there was something, something important to do, and I was forgetting. I was already forgetting.

Afternoon ramblings sparked by this John Lennon quote.

September 24, 2012


I way overpaid for this egg-free, dairy-free, gluten-free lunch. And now all I can think about is how much I wish I had some cheese and crackers to go with it.

September 20, 2012

out of sorts

Feeling very emotional the last few days, for no discernible reason.

September 10, 2012

Lake Tahoe

1. Zephyr Cove beach at Lake Tahoe 2. Hiking up to the house
3. P and his friends playing volleyball 4. Worn out doggies

September 6, 2012

Apartment hunting...

is not for the faint of heart.

September 4, 2012


I ended up having a really fantastic weekend. I think what made it great, despite my heavy feelings, was how loved and supported I felt by the people around me. My boyfriend, my cousin, my aunt, my sister. My friendly readers. Everyone was extra gentle and kind, and a surprising number of people took the time to actually make sure to tell me that they were thinking of me and Noah and to show me that I was important to them. Thank you.


After the race on Saturday I spent the rest of the long weekend with P, just bumming around and enjoying the time off work. We talked about a lot of important things, which has made us closer, and I also got to meet a couple more of his friends. He has the coolest friends you guys.

I am definitely in the exact right relationship at the exact right time. I love my life right now.

September 1, 2012

pretty rad

My cousin/roommate Alannah and I did the Color Me Rad 5k in San Jose this morning. We were up kind of late last night for Noah's birthday and only got a few hours of sleep before we had to leave for the race, so we were pretty exhausted but it was still a ton of fun and I'd love to do it again. Especially now that I know what to expect. P decided to run with us at the last minute, and Alannah's boyfriend V was there too, to cheer us on along with our aunt. It was pretty rad.