August 21, 2010

all I ever wanted

Found out today that a friend of mine is two months pregnant... with her sixth child. Sixth!! My first (awfully bitter) thought at this announcement was: Of course. This world is so fucking out of balance. Wasn't I just saying that to someone?

It was a blow, to say the least. But I was a little surprised by the way I felt at the news. After my initial mental response I really was genuinely happy for her. And I didn't even wish it was me that was two months pregnant, which is what I would have expected to feel. My heart was simply wrung over what I had lost, over what could-have-been. Today, right now, I just want my babies back; my own two babies that I had before. I want Ailis and Noah, and that's all. That's all I ever really wanted. One boy, one girl. Mine.

I don't often get stuck, anymore, wishing for the impossible. Wishing things un-done. But today I am. Not drainingly, not dramatically. But I am taking the time to close my eyes and assure myself that yes, they were real, and yes, I am their mother, and yes, I know the color of their eyes, and what they were like at heart. (There are so many things I'll never know about them, but there are a few things, at least, that I do.) If both of them, or even if just one of them, were here, my life would be so different. Not easier, not less complex, but definitely different. And I would have a little less grief to deal with. I would have a little less crippling pain.

I miss you my baby-loves, my turtledoves, my daughter and son.
Oh, I miss you. I always assumed you would be with me for so much longer than you were. Did you know, before you got here, that we hadn't much time?


  1. Oh, Vera Kate...I wish they were there with you too. Thinking about you and sending hugs.

  2. I hear ya. My husband has had two different friends in the past few weeks that have given birth. I think my first thoughts have been ones of intense jealousy. And of course I am geniunely happy for them. It just hurts to not have my baby with me, and their joy reminds me of my pain. Simply the way it is - no judgment, nothing wrong with it...just is.

  3. i concentrate so much on trying to get pregnant again, but really i just want my first baby back. i wish i could.