August 7, 2010


It's 1:00 in the morning, I feel like shit, and my head is killing me. I am angry, ashamed, distraught. But I am staying in my body, even though I don't want to. I am looking out through my own eyes.

It only recently occurred to me how many of my memories are from the outside. I can watch most of my childhood -- and the worst of my young adulthood -- like a film reel inside my head. And I wonder now if my unavoidable attraction to mirrors comes from this still feeling different and odd, this newer way of seeing the world. It scares me a little, to think that. But it is still weirdly comforting, to see myself in the mirror; it assures me that this is real, this place, and I am real in it. And when I was little, if I could see myself, I felt like at least someone was watching out for me -- even if it was only me.

That is so sad, and makes my head hurt even worse. I feel like I'm flickering in and out now, like a strobe.

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