October 9, 2010


I suspect my body of a hysterical pregnancy. My belly is all poochy, I am super sensitive to smells, hungry all the time, need to use the bathroom constantly. I can't suck in my belly, even when I try. It. won't. suck. in. And last week I felt a tiny fluttering, deep inside, which reduced me immediately to a puddle of tears.

The last few days it's only gotten worse, and today at the grocery store, my cashier glanced meaningfully at my belly several times, and then insisted on helping me with my bags, because she thought I was pregnant. Oh, god. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was wrong. (I guess my cute little dress wasn't as slimming as I'd originally thought...)

My counselor doesn't like the word hysterical. She said I'm "half-pregnant," which makes me laugh. It's so hard, because I could enjoy these symptoms if their cause were not so heart-breaking. I think my body just wants to relive those experiences, the ones I wasn't fully present for the first time around. The ones it never got to complete. I would love to be pregnant right now. Love. Love to accept help gladly from a grocery store cashier who thought I looked tired and needed a hand -- in my condition. In my condition! I do need a hand, really, in my condition. The crazy feels a little out of control.

On a partially related note, here is a song I am really feeling right now.

PS: I think the writing prompts are working.


  1. Those damn little flutters. They get me every single time.

    At least I'm fat enough that no one will accuse me of being pregnant - no one noticed when I actually was.

    Stupid bodies! Just do what you are told! That is all.

    (Having issues again so sorry if this is a duplicate)