October 2, 2010

one (part i)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child

Reminds me of Lissie:

I only discovered this song recently, but the first time I heard it I immediately thought of my little girl.

At the time (when I was pregnant), I felt so incredibly overwhelmed. I was so emotionally unhealthy, so battered and bruised. Yes, I do believe that I had it in me to be a good mother even then; but oh... it would have been so very hard on us both.

I remember one night, the only night I came out of my denial for long enough to have a vivid memory of doing so. I remember thinking, Oh baby, what are we going to do? I want to be good at this; I want to be able to be everything you need me to be, but I don't know if I can right now. Maybe you should just leave. Maybe you would be better off.

I cannot even describe the guilt I felt for thinking those thoughts, afterward. Even though I had absolutely no control over what happened, I still manage to tell myself all kinds of awful and untrue things. I know in my deepest heart that I only ever wanted what was best for her; and maybe this was it. But what I wouldn't give for an almost-three-year old, fast asleep in my house tonight.


When I would play my song / You used to sing along / I always seem to forget / How fragile are the very strong

I'm sorry I can't steal you / I'm sorry I can't stay / So I'll put bandaids on your knees / And watch you fly away

I'm sending you away tonight / I'll put you on a bird's strong wing / I'm saving you the best way I know how / I hope again one day to hear you sing