It's been a really hard day. With all the good things about to happen, I can't stop thinking about how bad things used to be. On the cusp of change, I feel paralyzed. The negativity is suffocating me; it's like breathing mud. I don't want to be this way! But trying to think differently today seems as possible as trying to stop the sun from setting or the wind from blowing. Every time I counter a negative thought with a positive one, another negative thought is there to take it's place. I ran out of positivity by 9:30am. Only sheer force of will is keeping me out of bed right now. Well, that, and the promise of ice cream if I stay up a little later.
I wish this day would just be over! I'm pressing through, but I feel so tired. And crazy. I feel crazy for feeling so many different emotions at the same time, and probably also a little because of talking about crazy people and their crazy-making behaviors lately. I am so very tired of the crazy. I want it to just go away.
I can imagine that in your shoes, again, I would also be feeling tons of feelings. I don't know about you, but for me, the biggest gift to my program/recovery/healing has been the gift of reminding myself that i am safe. Reminding every piece and molecule of me that my outside life and body is an adult now, and making 100% choices to keep me safe, and that I am completely safe from past harms now. Maybe speaking that over yourself will bring peace. It does for me. Sometimes i even have to just journal the words safe, etc. Hang in there, friend!
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