right and left

I've been avoiding this for days.

Why won't you listen to me?
No one ever wants to listen to me.

I'm scared. I'm scared of you. I still think of you like some horror movie child, abandoned wrongfully in the dark years ago, filled with fear and rage and hate, turned to seething violence. I don't know what you'll say, what you'll do if I let you out.

That is so unfair.

I know--

No! You don't. You don't know. You still think it's true.
When have I ever been violent? When?

Never. You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I believed that. That I still believe it.
Tell me more. I want to hear you.
I'm listening. Talk to me.

I have been waiting for a very long time. You left me, and I waited here for you. I never gave up. I never gave in to the badness all around. Somehow I never changed. I stayed good. I stayed good. I tried to tell you. I waited and waited. You didn't hear. You didn't (couldn't? I can give you that) believe. But it doesn't matter. I'm still here. I'm still you. It's just later now. You will have your joy. Let me out. Let me be. I never left. I won't leave. I am the happy girl.I always.was. I didn't leave. I stayed. I started good and I didn't change. I stayed the same. I wasn't changed by what happened. I couldn't be changed.

I am good. I was always good.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sorry I didn't listen. Sorry I assumed that I knew who you were. Sorry that I, of all people, treated you like everyone else treated me. I thought I knew. I didn't see how it could be any other way.

I get it. I know what you thought. I was there. I've been there all along. It was dark, and scary, and lonely. But it didn't change me. I stayed the same. I am so much stronger than you think.

The badness couldn't touch me. I am still good. I am still here. Let me out. (I'm scared too, see?) But that's okay. It doesn't matter. We can do it scared.