May 22, 2010

right and left

I've been avoiding this for days.


Why won't you listen to me?
No one ever wants to listen to me.


I'm scared. I'm scared of you. I still think of you like some horror movie child, abandoned wrongfully in the dark years ago, filled with fear and rage and hate, turned to seething violence. I don't know what you'll say, what you'll do if I let you out.


That is so unfair.


I know--


No! You don't. You don't know. You still think it's true.
When have I ever been violent? When?


Never. You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I believed that. That I still believe it.
Tell me more. I want to hear you.
I'm listening. Talk to me.


I have been waiting for a very long time. You left me, and I waited here for you. I never gave up. I never gave in to the badness all around. Somehow I never changed. I stayed good. I stayed good. I tried to tell you. I waited and waited. You didn't hear. You didn't (couldn't? I can give you that) believe. But it doesn't matter. I'm still here. I'm still you. It's just later now. You will have your joy. Let me out. Let me be. I never left. I won't leave. I am the happy girl.I always.was. I didn't leave. I stayed. I started good and I didn't change. I stayed the same. I wasn't changed by what happened. I couldn't be changed.

I am good. I was always good.


I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sorry I didn't listen. Sorry I assumed that I knew who you were. Sorry that I, of all people, treated you like everyone else treated me. I thought I knew. I didn't see how it could be any other way.


I get it. I know what you thought. I was there. I've been there all along. It was dark, and scary, and lonely. But it didn't change me. I stayed the same. I am so much stronger than you think.

The badness couldn't touch me. I am still good. I am still here. Let me out. (I'm scared too, see?) But that's okay. It doesn't matter. We can do it scared.


2 comments:

  1. Listening, understanding, and sitting with you from far away. Hang in there in your journey.

    love,

    ang

    ReplyDelete