Hello Hello

So it's 2016 and my son is 2 years old (WHAT?!) and my baby is teething and I'm back up to full time units at school and still working as well and it's been about 70* around here which is lovely after all the cold and storms and my sister came to visit briefly last weekend and it was so so hard to let her go back home.

How are you?

AWOL

Oh gosh, I haven't posted since July??! Sorry, anyone who still shows up here!!

So, updates: We moved a couple of weeks ago, and we're almost settled in. I don't know for how long exactly, but at least I know we have a place to bring the baby home to. The kids' room turned out pretty cute, I like to sit in there sometimes even though it's tiny. Phil is working again and he really likes his new school. I am having early labor symptoms, but I'm far enough along that it's not worrisome and she can come whenever she wants to now. Hunter has become very protective of me and is also noticing babies everywhere we go--so maybe he has figured out what's up after all! We do tell him often that baby sister will be here soon, and that certain things in the house are for her. The other morning I found him cuddling his baby doll on his shoulder with no prompting; I think he's going to be an excellent big brother. :)

I'm so happy it's finally October... I am more than ready to meet this sweet little baby and settle into our new routine. I can't wait for us all to get to know each other, and I'm really looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of four. I feel like as soon as she's here, we'll be complete.

ouch

Things have been pretty stressful for the last month or so. Phil's school was shut down and it turns out the board was very corrupt; he has not been paid and likely will not be paid his last two paychecks for the year. We had to move out of our apartment this past weekend, but it's a temporary situation so most of our stuff is in storage and we will have to move again in a few weeks. I'm six months pregnant and exhausted. Oh, and Hunter has not slept through the night in weeks. So that's fun.

A few more days of summer classes left and then I'll have a couple of weeks off and hopefully can get some rest. We need to look for a new apartment but it seems a little pointless right now since we don't have the money for rent or deposits. Anyways. That's what's up with us. Thankfully Phil did finally find a new job, so that's a relief. I know things will work out, they always do, but I wish life was not so hard sometimes.

abridged

Just one lonely post for all of September. Man.

I have opened up a blank page several times and there is just too much to say so I close it again, still blank. That's what happens when you wait so long. Hunter is 8 months old today; time is rocketing by and the days are busy yet somehow so boring, every single one the same. My investment feels invisible most of the time but today he hit himself in the face with a book and charged straight for me, with his new-learned, stilted crawl, head down, tears streaming. His mama-radar finely tuned, always taking him the shortest route. He knows where to go when life hurts. I'm right here, baby. I'm here. He believes I can fix it. Which means I'm doing something right. Thank goodness. It all could have been so different.

Daily life is a grind but there is sweetness in it too. Turning 30 this year has dawned on me slowly, pushing me to refocus, keenly aware of my choices and where they are taking me. It's so easy to let life happen to you. It is not easy to make your life happen.

I am reading a lot of articles these days; ISIS, Syria, feminism, sociology, psychology, presidential candidates, student debt, water shortage, the NFL. It feels good to have opinions about things and lively, educated discussions. For the past year I was in a sort of limbo, dealing with aggregate trauma around my pregnancy and bringing a tiny new human into the world. Now I feel suddenly awake again and it is refreshing and uncomfortable at the same time. But healthy discomfort can breed welcome change and that is what I am going for.

When Hunter was born, my old life ended. I have a new life now. And a squishy belly, and not enough sleep. And something gorgeous and unfathomable and inimitably worth living for. I never knew I could feel this way. I can't explain to you how powerful it is, to live for the first time under the assumption that living is good, that it's the best, that I'd rather not give it up. I fought so hard for so many years. The pure optimism of it boggles my mind. And yet here it is, the life I was fighting for.

fake it till you make it

Things were seeming pretty bleak these last few weeks. In retrospect it really comes down to not taking good enough care of myself, and no one else stepping up to encourage me to do so either. Had to struggle through some tough decisions and have a few hard conversations with Phil and lost no little amount of already elusive sleep. Even though not everything is resolved yet, in the meantime I have adopted a full force campaign of Fake It Till You Make It, and I must say, it is working wonders, helping me to slowly shrug off the layers of creeping resentment and despair. I feel so much better. It is amazing what conciously deciding to be positive, optimistic, and affectionate can do for your outlook on life.

rice cereal and existentialism

I thought life was passing quickly before, but nothing makes time seem to pick up speed like watching a baby grow and change right before your eyes. He is so awesome and active and awake to the world.

He started rolling for real-real after I went back to work. He could roll before, but he didn't very much, probably because his big sweet head is too heavy. Though even now he mostly kind of rolls around his head. Like a pinwheel, or like you may have seen a breakdancer do. He likes to sit up, but still falls forward after a second or two. I tell him not to worry, his head is just heavy because he has such a big smart brain. Like mama, Phil adds, smart as well.

I bought Hunter a booster seat last week, where he leans nonchalantly and practices picking up rice snacks. He eats cereal and bananas on the regular, and has tried squash and mangoes and apples and other squishable things. But his favorite food so far is avacado, which makes me oddly happy for reasons I can't explain. He gets super excited about it and makes us laugh. He also tried drinking water out of a plastic cup recently, which he first thought was a funny joke, then decided was a mean one.

I love every single one of his facial expressions, and all of the noises he makes, especially when he surprises himself with a particularly loud squawk. He doesn't really chatter, so it feels special when he tries to talk, like he really wants to communicate something important with you.



He has met so many milestones so suddenly that for a few days I was experiencing some level of panic as my own mortality was made abundantly clear to me by way of his rapid development, and I saw his (and therefore my) whole career as a human playing out as if in fast forward on a movie screen in my mind. All I could think was, Holy shit, it's not going to be like this forever. One day he will be an adult and I will be old and then it will all be over and I don't know what comes next. And then my brain would start melting, like, How the hell am I supposed to deal with the weight of this knowledge? Shit, shit, shitshitshitshitshit, holy fucking shit, no stop no, etc.

Usually I have no fear of death and can rationalize the end of my own existence quite well, but I am so attached to this tiny person and his progress is so easy to see and I care so much about it that it throws many of my complacent attitudes into disarray. I think this is a big part of what we are getting at when we say we wish that babies could stay babies forever. It was easier when I had no strong attachments. There were people I loved very much of course, and who loved me, but I knew they could get on just as well or almost just as well without me if they needed to. My son would not get on just as well without me.

And I actually like being alive most of the time now, too, so there's that.

I have adjusted mentally and am doing better, but it was an uncomfortable bout of insecurity to say the least. Thank goodness our minds are generally good at distracting us when things get too intense. Self preservation and whatnot.

-----

I haven't started his baby book yet (though I did finally purchase one, omg!) so I am using this space to help document his firsts and my personal/parental freak-outs alike. My instagram has also turned into mostly Huntergram since he was born but for the same reason so I am unapologetic.

Seasons, you know?

here is the world

My sweet baby is one month old. I'd love to say something poetic and concise about being a new mom and how magical it all is but I don't quite have it in me at the moment. Sleep deprivation and whatnot, you see. But my heart is full. I still tear up when I talk to him, but I do talk. Sometimes he looks concerned and I make sure to explain that I am happy, not sad. I don't worry anymore about being a good mother, I just do the things a good mother would do. Phil and I love him and sing him our own made-up songs and tell him about the kind of person we hope he will be, the kind of life we'd like him to have. I knew we could do it, and we are doing it, and everything is going to be fine.

Here is the world, my love.
It is all for you.

I will be the one to show him how to not be afraid.

hello!

I am 2.5 weeks old! I have been to Target, the grocery store, the lake, and three restaurants, but I don't remember because I slept the whole time. I like milk and my soft blankies and staring at faces and windows. I do not like getting my diaper changed or waiting for anything or when I poke myself in the eye. I hardly ever cry, but when I do I go from zen to boiled lobster in less than a second. Daddy went back to work yesterday and we really missed him a lot so I had to yell at him a little when he finally came home but we're cool now. This place is pretty weird but I'm trying my best to fit in.

details, as promised

I had a routine OB appointment on February 5th, which due to sudden and unexpected high blood pressure led to a non-stress test, which led to monitored triage in Labor and Delivery, which led to being admitted and induced within a matter of hours. Not exactly how I thought that day would go. I had so many tasks and errands I was going to accomplish right after my appointment, and Phil and I were planning a last hurrah for the weekend, but we had to let those plans go. It all happened so fast it was hard to wrap my brain around it. I was on pitocin for several hours but that night around 9:00pm they decided to turn it off so I could sleep, and start it again in the morning. Except about 15 minutes later my water broke, and then I was in labor for reals. For 22 hours.

I had to be on the monitors the whole time and have an IV in my hand, both of which I hate passionately and made me much more uncomfortbale than I felt was necessary. My contractions were terrible but maddeningly irregular and my progress was slow and I had terrible back labor and was in so much pain I felt like I was going to lose my everloving mind. I finally had an epidural on Thursday afternoon, which was very scary for me, but in the end not as scary as the thought of even one more minute of that pain. After that it was not so bad, they put me back on pitocin to help things along and by 7:45pm I was ready to go. I am a champion pusher apparently and 29 minutes later I had my slippery son on my chest and we were blinking at each other, exhausted and bewildered but together at last.

His name is Hunter Atlas and I love him more than anything.
Born 02/06/2014 at 8:14pm; 7 lbs, 9 oz; 21 3/4 inches long.

Phil was excellent throughout the labor and birth, just like I told everyone he would be.  It's a huge adjustment, being a new family of three, but we are doing well.

Hunter Atlas

He's here you guys, and he couldn't be more perfect.
Obvs we have been blowing up Instagram. Like you do.





Details to follow. xo

*grumble*sniffle*mumble*whimper*cough*

Feeling kinda pitiful over here with the cold. that. will. not. die.
Can I go home now? Like, forever?

hello

Well it is finally the new year which is a huge relief. We had lots of fun celebrating (dinner, friends, dancing, and fireworks in San Francisco). At midnight as we were all exchanging hugs a friend patted my belly and said, "Happy New Year to you too, Baby! It's going to be a big year!" Oh my yes. The biggest, for all of us.

January means my maternity leave is within reach and baby's birthday is right around the corner. I am completely exhausted, and every part of my body hurts. I'm more anxious about having everything ready for him than I am about labor or what happens after, though that may catch up with me in due course. For now I am just looking forward to being at home for a couple of weeks before life turns upside down, and finally having a chance to (slowly but surely) get all the clothes washed and all the new stuff put away and his quilt completed and so on, without stressing about anything else. And trying to rest while I still can.

Speaking of rest, time to collapse for an hour or two and then wake up and not be able to go back to sleep for another hour or two on and off for the rest of the night. Pregnancy, woo!

party update

Our party on Saturday was beautiful. Everyone was so sweet and it was really warm and fuzzy to be surrounded by people that came from near and far to love on our little family and wish us well. Aside from the pile of presents it did not feel like a baby shower, for which I and the handful of men who attended were very grateful. I refused (gracefully, beforehand) to sit in a circle and open all the gifts in front of everyone but I did open things here and there throughout the evening with the person who had brought them. I think it is the happy medium of being polite to the party guests without having to be the primary focus of everyone's attention. It works for me anyway.

We brought the video camera but forgot to set it up and we were too busy mingling to take any pictures either. I did however put out a small scrapbook and some markers and had people write advice for the new parents, advice for the baby, and/or draw a picture. The results were awesome, better than any photos in my opinion. I love looking through it and it's a great keepsake.

In the name vote "Owen" won by a landslide, raking in half of all the votes. There were also a lot of write-ins. It was fun to see people's ideas, even though most of them were names I would never choose. We are still torn between our top two of Owen and Henry. Phil thinks we need to see his little face to be sure, and we may end up going to the hospital with two full names ready and just go with our gut feeling when he arrives. I never thought I would agree to such a thing, basing a name on looks, since babies are so wrinkly and their features change so much and so quickly when they start to smooth out. But when it comes down to it I'm sure we'll know. We'll have to, because there's no way I'm leaving with "Baby Boy H-----" on the paperwork!

We hardly got any of the items off of our registry, since people obviously have a lot more fun buying baby clothes than practical things. However we do have the carseat, jogger, and sleeper, a month of diapers and wipes, and plenty of cute clothes. The crib is on the way but we won't really need it at first anyway. So we are ready! Woohoo! Now baby just needs six to eight more weeks to get all his parts in good working order. I will be trying my best to keep it together until then.

counting down

Two months sounds like way too long to still be pregnant and also not nearly long enough to have everything ready for this baby. But I want him out. I am so miserable. (Please for the love of all that is good do not remind me that first babies almost never come early and more often come late. I might not speak to you ever again.) We are hoping for anytime between Feb 1-14. He will be full term and good to go. I am counting down, trying to focus on things I have to look forward to in the meantime.

First up: the party this Saturday. They had to call it a "Welcoming Baby Party" instead of a baby shower, so that I would show up, because I have always hated baby showers so much! I am looking forward to this party though. They promised me co-ed attendees, no silly games, and lots of good food with sparkling cider for me and nice wine for everyone else. We are also letting people vote on the baby's name, out of our top five choices. Should be interesting. And if we can arrange it we might also set up a video camera for people to record messages to the baby. Yay!

After that comes Christmas, then New Year's. Then just a few more weeks of work and deciding when to begin my maternity leave. Time should fly. I hope so.

feels like fall

For the first time ever I am happy that it is finally cold outside. Much more comfortable for me in my present condition. I had a dr's appointment on Friday, at which I cried a lot but it was very helpful and I got a mental health referral which I never would have thought was something I'd be pleased about but I am. Still just getting through work one day at a time but I am relieved by knowing now that my doctor can approve my maternity leave as soon as it becomes necessary. So, possibly sooner than later. One thing that really threw me off however was that the hospital still refers to me by my old name. It's quite jarring, especially with how emotional I am already. I had finally gotten my new insurance card (after more than a year!) so I was expecting it to finally all be changed over at the hospital when I arrived this time, but alas, it was not so, which did not help at all to deter the crying. I did get someone to make a note on my file though, so maybe next time? Shan't get my hopes up, I'll just be better braced for it next time. Though if anyone calls me anything but Vera while I am trying to give birth I will seriously lose. my. shit.

Phil is taking good care of me and I am grateful. I know he is in this for the long haul, because he told me so, but also because that is the kind of person he is. We've always been good about splitting up household chores, but now he also has been taking on more dinners as well, which is very helpful.

One day at a time, as usual. Looking forward very much to Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then baby. I hope I will be able to just be happy, when he comes. As my doctor said, it's not fair that I keep suffering for what other people did. I should be able to just be happy. I already care so much more for my baby, have done so much more to nurture and protect him in these last six months than my parents ever did for me. The thought of it is hurtful and sharp. Every time I talk to him, I tear up. I think it's a combination of hardly being able to believe that he's going to really be mine, and a sense of loss over what I've never had, what no one ever felt for me. I just hope that whenever I see his little face, the joy will outweigh the pain. For both of our sakes.

currently

Apartment living has its pitfalls (most of our annoyances have been plumbing-related) but so far things are working out and we like our new place. Fremont has pretty much every convenience you could ask for, and we are enjoying exploring the area. I am really happy with the way life is coming together right now; the apartment, the baby, and being with a really great guy who loves me and enjoys my company. I feel like things are on track for once, even though it scares me to say it. I am just trying to appreciate this time, and take each day as it comes.

so yeah

We survived the move. P was amazing. I had literally 3x as much stuff as he did but he helped with all of it and never complained. Seriously, not even once. And he complains about everything! But not this. I have to give him so much credit.

I am exhausted, but settling in okay -- keeping in mind that it's a temporary setup. Hopefully when I move AGAIN in a few months it will be somewhere I can stay for a good long time.

typical

I've been procrastinating rather badly but it's all coming down to the wire now so I'll be packing furiously (adverb open to interpretation) tonight and tomorrow and getting everything in order on Saturday and then moving on Sunday. P is moving as well, so we have a lot of work in front of us this weekend but I know we can do it.

Work has been very busy lately which is really good for the company but exhausting for me, and it means I haven't had a real day off since Memorial Day and what with moving am unlikely to have one again until at least the 15th. Hopefully I don't drop before that.

Anyway, take care guys. If I don't show up next week send a search party.

:(

Unfortunately the vacation photos will have to wait. I came down with a violent case of food poisoning on my last day in Mexico and am still recovering.

Worst. Flight. Of. My. Life.

diamonds & roses

My cousin got married on Sunday. They asked me to do the photos, and P agreed to help. I was a nervous wreck for 24 hours leading up to and during the ceremony and reception but then finally it was over and I put my camera away and had some champagne and danced with my boyfriend until I couldn't dance anymore. Now I get to go through and edit the 2700+ photos that we took over the course of approximately 8 hours that day. Hopefully there are at least a handful of keepers.

Le sigh.

See you later. xoxo