respite

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

Rumi

so yeah

We survived the move. P was amazing. I had literally 3x as much stuff as he did but he helped with all of it and never complained. Seriously, not even once. And he complains about everything! But not this. I have to give him so much credit.

I am exhausted, but settling in okay -- keeping in mind that it's a temporary setup. Hopefully when I move AGAIN in a few months it will be somewhere I can stay for a good long time.

typical

I've been procrastinating rather badly but it's all coming down to the wire now so I'll be packing furiously (adverb open to interpretation) tonight and tomorrow and getting everything in order on Saturday and then moving on Sunday. P is moving as well, so we have a lot of work in front of us this weekend but I know we can do it.

Work has been very busy lately which is really good for the company but exhausting for me, and it means I haven't had a real day off since Memorial Day and what with moving am unlikely to have one again until at least the 15th. Hopefully I don't drop before that.

Anyway, take care guys. If I don't show up next week send a search party.

little red refuses to be eaten

I did something tenacious and brave and self-affirming today, but I feel shaky now and depleted and impossibly tired. In fact I feel exactly as I imagine I would feel if I had slapped a bristling wolf on the nose and told it loudly to go home.

unfinished

I am seized once again by the need to do something. Something meaningful, for my children. And once again, nothing seems sufficient -- because nothing is sufficient. Because no matter what I do, I can't shake the belief in my gut that they're simply not paying attention, our only time together is over and they're gone forever, and all my antics are an empty charade, and if it's only to placate myself then what the fuck is the point? Why not just give it up, just let it go?

My efforts feel ill-timed, amateur, self-indulgent. Look, Self! Look how much I love them! Look world, look! Look how I miss what I never really had! Look, baby! Look how I would have cared for you. Look at what you're missing! Why didn't you stay? Why was I not enough for you?




Ah.



There it is.




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* pause for tears *

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I tried to make a painting today, but I didn't finish it. And I feel defeated, I feel like I failed, because I couldn't finish this little 8x10 painting that I had envisioned in my head. And even though I know "real" paintings might take days and weeks and even years, I still feel like I failed. Maybe it's my long history of unfinished creative projects, haunting me. Clothes, blankets, stories, scripts, drawings, paintings, films, piano, guitar, original music... Oh, and babies.

I've still never quite finished a baby.

coming closer to the truth

My words appear to have deserted me. Here's another song, instead.