oh no why are you crying

Because I'm scared and I love you and you're so nice.

damage control

V: I should have quit last week, I feel like I'm just dropping the ball at every turn and I'm so overwhelmed.
P: Well, you have one more week left.
V: *obvious despair and anguish*
P: I mean you have another whole week to get everything back on track, and feel good about leaving. Right? And then you're done and after that all you have to think about is the baby.

Somehow when he says "one more week" it sounds way more optimistic and hope-filled than when I say it.

merry christmas

We had a nice time with Phil's family for Christmas and will spend Sunday celebrating again with mine. Still deciding what to do for NYE. I've had a cold so it will depend on how I feel, but it doesn't really matter to me what we do as long as we're together. Hope you enjoy the last few days of 2013! See you on the other side. xoxo

Thanksgiving-ish

Turns out I didn't actually take any pictures on Thanksgiving, but I do have a few from the days before and after...


Before: My cousin and a friend wanted to learn to make pies from scratch, so I got to practice my teaching skills and prep for Thanksgiving at the same time. We made apple, pumpkin, and chicken pot pies. It took pretty much all day. They said now when they get one of my pies as a gift they will be even more appreciative :)


1. Baby gettin' all up in my way.
2. My protege's first apple pie. So proud!
3. One of my pumpkin pies


After: Up in Grass Valley with Phil's family where we spend the holidays our Black Friday tradition is to sleep in as late as we can and then go on a hike in the afternoon. This year was more of a walking excursion, for my sake, but just as fun.


1. Gray Lodge Wildlife Area
2. My Philip
3. Me with Phil's neices

one year

Happy Anniversary, my love! Thank you for all of the fun and adventures. This has been the happiest year of my life so far. I can't wait to meet our awesome baby, and start this new chapter with you -- I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

You are my favorite. I love you. xoxo

side effect

Being pregnant has made so many old memories fresh again. I dream about some thing that happened or some member of my family I never see anymore weekly, if not nightly. Mostly it does not rattle me too badly, but it does make me thoughtful and sometimes sad. During the day it stays on my mind and I have told P many little stories over the last couple of months, stories I've never told anyone. It is good to get them out, and P takes it in stride. He's learned to listen and nod and say "That's weird" or "That's fucked up" and then let it go. And I nod too, and keep folding the sheets, because that is all I needed from him. On their own, these anecdotes in a normal family might only make you wrinkle your nose or shake your head, but all together, and combined with the deeper tragedies behind them, it is rather terrible to think about. I am thankful to have someone to be with me in it and also help me push past and through. I did it by myself for so long.

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for September 20th. If we find out it's a girl, I've decided to get into counseling again right away. If it's a boy, I may wait and see how it goes. Either way I'll have a support team on standby after the birth. I am at a million percent risk for postpartum depression, and I am not willing to put myself, P, or the baby through any more of that than I can help.

settled

P is staying over for a few days this week. This morning as I was getting ready, I reached into the medicine cabinet without looking to grab something, and did not feel what I expected. When I looked, I saw that P had found a space and put his shaving kit in there, instead of putting it back in his bag, or leaving it on the counter as he usually would.

This little act of settling in has made me absurdly happy all morning.

for keeps

I think I would like
to sleep by your side
for most of the
nights of

the rest

of

our

lives.

so yeah

We survived the move. P was amazing. I had literally 3x as much stuff as he did but he helped with all of it and never complained. Seriously, not even once. And he complains about everything! But not this. I have to give him so much credit.

I am exhausted, but settling in okay -- keeping in mind that it's a temporary setup. Hopefully when I move AGAIN in a few months it will be somewhere I can stay for a good long time.

redemption

This past weekend was beautiful, in every way. Hands down the best mothers' day weekend of my life so far. We went up to Live Oak and I'll say it again and again, I love my boyfriend's family so much! With every visit they are more comfortable and more welcoming. They made it pretty clear this time that they are hoping they might get to keep me.

Saturday was P's mom's birthday and we went out to a nice dinner with lots of relatives. It's my own mother's birthday as well, a date I've tried to put out of my mind for the most part, but D is worthy of celebrating and I'll gladly remember it for her. Sunday morning I gave her a birthday/mothers' day card and she thanked me and hugged me and told me I was one of her daughters, which surprised me enough that it almost made me cry. I told her I'd take all the mothering I could get.

It got really hot in the afternoon so I absconded with P's nieces on a secret mission to the Dollar store, where we stocked up on squirt guns, water balloons, and sponges, and then went home to recruit everyone into some backyard anarchy to combat the 98+ degree temps. The whole family dropped everything to play with us, and it was awesome.

All day, I did not think about sad things. I never felt pressured. Or uncomfortable. Or angry. Or depressed. I was surrounded by people who accepted and cared for me, people who were grateful for my presence. I was lavished with generous verbal and physical affection that had no strings attached. And it was all so easy. So soul-refreshing. I felt free.

I'm so glad you were born

Happy Birthday, my love!
You really are the best. I hope you know it. xoxoxo

vegas!

Our whirlwind 48hr itinerary included: an upgraded convertible with the top down, Thai food, pizza, napping, late night TV, overpriced everything, margaritas by the pool, more napping, walking The Strip, taking lots of pictures, exploring casinos I hadn't seen yet, a mandatory stop at the Bellagio fountain (my favorite thing), more napping, getting dressed up to go dance at The Palms at 1:00am, city views from the rooftop, kitsch everywhere, more napping, more pool time, the Neon Boneyard, more pictures, not being too impressed with Fremont Street, and finally ducking into a nice bar full of locals for happy hour before our flight home.

I'm glad we came back late Friday night and still had the weekend ahead of us to rest, because despite all the napping I am exhausted! But very happy we did it and thankful for my awesome, easygoing boyfriend.

things we do

I am all about a steady, quiet day-to-day routine punctuated regularly by large-scale adventure, and my boyfriend is all about constant small-scale activities and staying fairly close to home. He is also very careful to agree to almost everything while never actually committing to anything. (He should be a diplomat, I swear.) However, one night a few weeks ago we were driving past the airport when he picked up on my wistfulness and accidentally made me an unsolicited promise that we could go on an adventure during his upcoming Spring Break! I made him shake on it the moment the words were out of his mouth.

And so. Finally. After much deliberation...

Two tickets to Las Vegas: booked.

I'm so excited!! To me this is a safe and familiar adventure, but I know it's a stretch for him, and I feel very loved.

The Forest of Nisene Marks (day trip)

The last one is my favorite. I love that face so much.

with one glance of your eyes

You have captured my heart,
my treasure, my love.
You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes.

Song of Solomon 4:9

diamonds & roses

My cousin got married on Sunday. They asked me to do the photos, and P agreed to help. I was a nervous wreck for 24 hours leading up to and during the ceremony and reception but then finally it was over and I put my camera away and had some champagne and danced with my boyfriend until I couldn't dance anymore. Now I get to go through and edit the 2700+ photos that we took over the course of approximately 8 hours that day. Hopefully there are at least a handful of keepers.

Le sigh.

See you later. xoxo

bridgeport snapshot

Me + P at Bridgeport. It was shut down for restorations but we stopped for a quick photo anyway. My favorite so far.

hitting the road

On our way north to spend the holiday weekend with P's family... Eep!

never have I ever

He has said it to my back, in passing, or maybe into my hair. Quietly, experimentally; softly enough as to be easily missed. And I have missed it, intentionally, a few times before. But this morning when he said it, standing there in the bathroom, half shaven, kissing me goodbye, he was so sincere and adorable and I felt so happy my fears weren't big enough to stop me anymore. I grabbed his face with both hands and looked him straight in the eye and I said it too. The first time I've said it to him or to anyone: I love you.

And oh, I do.

st carmel

1. St Carmel monastery 2. P in the olive grove 3. Self portrait
4. Brave rose undimmed by blight 5. Photo of me under the arbor by P