AWOL

Oh gosh, I haven't posted since July??! Sorry, anyone who still shows up here!!

So, updates: We moved a couple of weeks ago, and we're almost settled in. I don't know for how long exactly, but at least I know we have a place to bring the baby home to. The kids' room turned out pretty cute, I like to sit in there sometimes even though it's tiny. Phil is working again and he really likes his new school. I am having early labor symptoms, but I'm far enough along that it's not worrisome and she can come whenever she wants to now. Hunter has become very protective of me and is also noticing babies everywhere we go--so maybe he has figured out what's up after all! We do tell him often that baby sister will be here soon, and that certain things in the house are for her. The other morning I found him cuddling his baby doll on his shoulder with no prompting; I think he's going to be an excellent big brother. :)

I'm so happy it's finally October... I am more than ready to meet this sweet little baby and settle into our new routine. I can't wait for us all to get to know each other, and I'm really looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of four. I feel like as soon as she's here, we'll be complete.

oh no why are you crying

Because I'm scared and I love you and you're so nice.

damage control

V: I should have quit last week, I feel like I'm just dropping the ball at every turn and I'm so overwhelmed.
P: Well, you have one more week left.
V: *obvious despair and anguish*
P: I mean you have another whole week to get everything back on track, and feel good about leaving. Right? And then you're done and after that all you have to think about is the baby.

Somehow when he says "one more week" it sounds way more optimistic and hope-filled than when I say it.

a hot mess

It's not even lunchtime and I've already cried three times today, twice because I feel like I'm failing at work and I have no idea how or why I'm still trying to do my job at this point, and again because I knocked a glass off my counter this morning and it shattered into a million billion tiny shards across every inch of my kitchen floor and it is still there because Swiffers don't work on glass and all I have to use is a hand broom but I can't even reach the floor to clean it up properly so it is still a war zone in there. I want to go back to bed forever. I feel like an idiot for saying I could work this long, I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I was pretty well over my hyperdeveloped need to please authority but apparently not far enough because here I am and I can't think of literally any other reason for it. I should have quit last week while I was still mostly human. Annnd I'm on the verge of crying again. Ok, rant over./

Carry on.

but who's counting

10 more days until maternity leave officially begins.

hello

Well it is finally the new year which is a huge relief. We had lots of fun celebrating (dinner, friends, dancing, and fireworks in San Francisco). At midnight as we were all exchanging hugs a friend patted my belly and said, "Happy New Year to you too, Baby! It's going to be a big year!" Oh my yes. The biggest, for all of us.

January means my maternity leave is within reach and baby's birthday is right around the corner. I am completely exhausted, and every part of my body hurts. I'm more anxious about having everything ready for him than I am about labor or what happens after, though that may catch up with me in due course. For now I am just looking forward to being at home for a couple of weeks before life turns upside down, and finally having a chance to (slowly but surely) get all the clothes washed and all the new stuff put away and his quilt completed and so on, without stressing about anything else. And trying to rest while I still can.

Speaking of rest, time to collapse for an hour or two and then wake up and not be able to go back to sleep for another hour or two on and off for the rest of the night. Pregnancy, woo!

I'll eat you up I love you so

Yesterday I got out of work a little early so I had some time to myself at home. I decided to take stock of what I had so far for Christmas gifts, see what I still needed, and start wrapping the things that were ready. I had to take a break because sitting on the floor is no treat these days (plus baby hates it when I lean forward and take up any of his coveted room) so I moved to the arm chair to lean back for a bit and the baby was wiggling around like crazy and making my belly jump all over the place, and I was wishing he was out so I could see him better, and wrangle his flailing little arms and legs and kiss him all up. And for the very first time I felt just pure mushy loviness at the idea of him being here finally, with no trepidation or anxiety even faintly tingeing it, and I have to say it was such a huge relief to realize it afterward. That I could be just happy and excited, and not at all afraid, even if only briefly. There is hope.

party update

Our party on Saturday was beautiful. Everyone was so sweet and it was really warm and fuzzy to be surrounded by people that came from near and far to love on our little family and wish us well. Aside from the pile of presents it did not feel like a baby shower, for which I and the handful of men who attended were very grateful. I refused (gracefully, beforehand) to sit in a circle and open all the gifts in front of everyone but I did open things here and there throughout the evening with the person who had brought them. I think it is the happy medium of being polite to the party guests without having to be the primary focus of everyone's attention. It works for me anyway.

We brought the video camera but forgot to set it up and we were too busy mingling to take any pictures either. I did however put out a small scrapbook and some markers and had people write advice for the new parents, advice for the baby, and/or draw a picture. The results were awesome, better than any photos in my opinion. I love looking through it and it's a great keepsake.

In the name vote "Owen" won by a landslide, raking in half of all the votes. There were also a lot of write-ins. It was fun to see people's ideas, even though most of them were names I would never choose. We are still torn between our top two of Owen and Henry. Phil thinks we need to see his little face to be sure, and we may end up going to the hospital with two full names ready and just go with our gut feeling when he arrives. I never thought I would agree to such a thing, basing a name on looks, since babies are so wrinkly and their features change so much and so quickly when they start to smooth out. But when it comes down to it I'm sure we'll know. We'll have to, because there's no way I'm leaving with "Baby Boy H-----" on the paperwork!

We hardly got any of the items off of our registry, since people obviously have a lot more fun buying baby clothes than practical things. However we do have the carseat, jogger, and sleeper, a month of diapers and wipes, and plenty of cute clothes. The crib is on the way but we won't really need it at first anyway. So we are ready! Woohoo! Now baby just needs six to eight more weeks to get all his parts in good working order. I will be trying my best to keep it together until then.

counting down

Two months sounds like way too long to still be pregnant and also not nearly long enough to have everything ready for this baby. But I want him out. I am so miserable. (Please for the love of all that is good do not remind me that first babies almost never come early and more often come late. I might not speak to you ever again.) We are hoping for anytime between Feb 1-14. He will be full term and good to go. I am counting down, trying to focus on things I have to look forward to in the meantime.

First up: the party this Saturday. They had to call it a "Welcoming Baby Party" instead of a baby shower, so that I would show up, because I have always hated baby showers so much! I am looking forward to this party though. They promised me co-ed attendees, no silly games, and lots of good food with sparkling cider for me and nice wine for everyone else. We are also letting people vote on the baby's name, out of our top five choices. Should be interesting. And if we can arrange it we might also set up a video camera for people to record messages to the baby. Yay!

After that comes Christmas, then New Year's. Then just a few more weeks of work and deciding when to begin my maternity leave. Time should fly. I hope so.

silent

I do not talk much. I am thinking every day about your tiny body, about the delicate chemistry of your brain. I wonder what you will be like, about the depths of your psyche, the unknown places of your soul. I feel guilty, because I should be talking to you, should be laughing and singing and telling you stories so that you will remember my voice and will know that you are welcome here and will think that this is a cool place to live. All the books say so. They say I should talk. I want to. But most of the time all I can seem to do is cradle your temporary home in my two hands and try not to cry. I am quiet because I am afraid, and I don't want you to know. But I'm sure that you know. Your future flashes through my mind by day and my own past haunts my dreams by night. Carrying you this far is the most difficult and frightening thing I have ever done. Even steel has it's breaking point, and I am far less than that.

-----

I'm trying. My own voice is loud in my ears, and startles me, alone in the car. Other times I rub my belly and send loving thoughts and hope that it counts for something. My biggest concern is mental health. I want him to be sound, smart, capable, courageous. I tell myself there's no reason why we shouldn't all three of us be diliriously happy, deliciously whole. But I worry still. Standing at a crossroads again, and not knowing where we will live, what we will do. I want Phil to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I hope we can achieve that at the same time, in the same life, together. I hope so for our baby's sake and for our own sakes, too. I need to do some research, get some things figured out, ease my anxiety somehow, self-reflect. But work saps my mental energy and by the time I get home I feel like there is little or nothing left. We need the money just to get by, for now and for later, but I am so miserable going to work every day, and there are still four months to go. I'm not sure what to do.

Will you send us some loving thoughts? It must count for something.

ka-ra-te

I seem to be harboring a tiny ninja. It is highly distracting/enjoyable.

It's a...

BOY!!! We are so excited, and looking forward to meeting our cute little man in February.

tomorrow

Ultrasound appointment tomorrow! We are beyond excited. If baby is cooperative I'll be back with a gender update as soon as I get a chance. :)

side effect

Being pregnant has made so many old memories fresh again. I dream about some thing that happened or some member of my family I never see anymore weekly, if not nightly. Mostly it does not rattle me too badly, but it does make me thoughtful and sometimes sad. During the day it stays on my mind and I have told P many little stories over the last couple of months, stories I've never told anyone. It is good to get them out, and P takes it in stride. He's learned to listen and nod and say "That's weird" or "That's fucked up" and then let it go. And I nod too, and keep folding the sheets, because that is all I needed from him. On their own, these anecdotes in a normal family might only make you wrinkle your nose or shake your head, but all together, and combined with the deeper tragedies behind them, it is rather terrible to think about. I am thankful to have someone to be with me in it and also help me push past and through. I did it by myself for so long.

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for September 20th. If we find out it's a girl, I've decided to get into counseling again right away. If it's a boy, I may wait and see how it goes. Either way I'll have a support team on standby after the birth. I am at a million percent risk for postpartum depression, and I am not willing to put myself, P, or the baby through any more of that than I can help.

two lists

Things I Used To Enjoy But Which Baby
Apparently Finds Highly Offensive

Coffee

V8 Fusion fruit juice

String cheese

Cheddar bunnies

Goldfish crackers

Every other kind of cracker

Vitamin Water

Cashews

Peach yogurt

Broccoli (and most other vegetables)

Apricots

Apples

Sprite

Chocolate

Cheerios

Mexican food

Sweet smells

Excessive heat

Things That Baby Approves Of

Smoothies

Apple juice

Roast chicken

Pancakes

Chinese food

Peach cups

with bated breath, we wait