fake it till you make it

Things were seeming pretty bleak these last few weeks. In retrospect it really comes down to not taking good enough care of myself, and no one else stepping up to encourage me to do so either. Had to struggle through some tough decisions and have a few hard conversations with Phil and lost no little amount of already elusive sleep. Even though not everything is resolved yet, in the meantime I have adopted a full force campaign of Fake It Till You Make It, and I must say, it is working wonders, helping me to slowly shrug off the layers of creeping resentment and despair. I feel so much better. It is amazing what conciously deciding to be positive, optimistic, and affectionate can do for your outlook on life.

not a wizard

Sweetie, I just happen to be the one with the boobies ok? Please do not look at me like I must automatically know how to do everything baby-related. Thank you.

damage control

V: I should have quit last week, I feel like I'm just dropping the ball at every turn and I'm so overwhelmed.
P: Well, you have one more week left.
V: *obvious despair and anguish*
P: I mean you have another whole week to get everything back on track, and feel good about leaving. Right? And then you're done and after that all you have to think about is the baby.

Somehow when he says "one more week" it sounds way more optimistic and hope-filled than when I say it.

resolved

I actually won an argument for once.
So, no more trouble in paradise. For now.

silent

I do not talk much. I am thinking every day about your tiny body, about the delicate chemistry of your brain. I wonder what you will be like, about the depths of your psyche, the unknown places of your soul. I feel guilty, because I should be talking to you, should be laughing and singing and telling you stories so that you will remember my voice and will know that you are welcome here and will think that this is a cool place to live. All the books say so. They say I should talk. I want to. But most of the time all I can seem to do is cradle your temporary home in my two hands and try not to cry. I am quiet because I am afraid, and I don't want you to know. But I'm sure that you know. Your future flashes through my mind by day and my own past haunts my dreams by night. Carrying you this far is the most difficult and frightening thing I have ever done. Even steel has it's breaking point, and I am far less than that.

-----

I'm trying. My own voice is loud in my ears, and startles me, alone in the car. Other times I rub my belly and send loving thoughts and hope that it counts for something. My biggest concern is mental health. I want him to be sound, smart, capable, courageous. I tell myself there's no reason why we shouldn't all three of us be diliriously happy, deliciously whole. But I worry still. Standing at a crossroads again, and not knowing where we will live, what we will do. I want Phil to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I hope we can achieve that at the same time, in the same life, together. I hope so for our baby's sake and for our own sakes, too. I need to do some research, get some things figured out, ease my anxiety somehow, self-reflect. But work saps my mental energy and by the time I get home I feel like there is little or nothing left. We need the money just to get by, for now and for later, but I am so miserable going to work every day, and there are still four months to go. I'm not sure what to do.

Will you send us some loving thoughts? It must count for something.

one year

Happy Anniversary, my love! Thank you for all of the fun and adventures. This has been the happiest year of my life so far. I can't wait to meet our awesome baby, and start this new chapter with you -- I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

You are my favorite. I love you. xoxo

currently

Apartment living has its pitfalls (most of our annoyances have been plumbing-related) but so far things are working out and we like our new place. Fremont has pretty much every convenience you could ask for, and we are enjoying exploring the area. I am really happy with the way life is coming together right now; the apartment, the baby, and being with a really great guy who loves me and enjoys my company. I feel like things are on track for once, even though it scares me to say it. I am just trying to appreciate this time, and take each day as it comes.

settled

P is staying over for a few days this week. This morning as I was getting ready, I reached into the medicine cabinet without looking to grab something, and did not feel what I expected. When I looked, I saw that P had found a space and put his shaving kit in there, instead of putting it back in his bag, or leaving it on the counter as he usually would.

This little act of settling in has made me absurdly happy all morning.

out of reach

The only thing
I want from you
is the only thing
that you're

not

yet

willing

to

give.

just saying

"We" is so much more complicated than "I."

thankful

I ended up having a really fantastic weekend. I think what made it great, despite my heavy feelings, was how loved and supported I felt by the people around me. My boyfriend, my cousin, my aunt, my sister. My friendly readers. Everyone was extra gentle and kind, and a surprising number of people took the time to actually make sure to tell me that they were thinking of me and Noah and to show me that I was important to them. Thank you.

----------

After the race on Saturday I spent the rest of the long weekend with P, just bumming around and enjoying the time off work. We talked about a lot of important things, which has made us closer, and I also got to meet a couple more of his friends. He has the coolest friends you guys.

I am definitely in the exact right relationship at the exact right time. I love my life right now.

surprise/delight

So, I'm seeing someone again. I honestly wasn't expecting to meet such a great guy this soon. But I did. I thought it might take forever and all it took was a few easy dates. Which threw me, at first. Made me leery of the whole thing. Made me wonder if I was just rebounding, if I might hurt someone the way I was so recently hurt, if I was just kidding myself. But I wasn't, and I'm not, and I got over it. And I'm happy.

Maybe it will last 2 months, or 2 years, or 20. I don't know. But I like him, and he likes me. So, here we are. For now. And since now is all we can be anything close to sure of anyway, it is perfectly all right with me.

the laundry list

nice/kind
polite to strangers
affectionate (physical)
affectionate (verbal)
likes kids
good job
financially responsible
not prudish
funny, good sense of humor
easy to talk to
good looking/attractive
some shared interests
differing perspective
open minded
communicates
independent, not needy
spiritual but not religious
stable family, well-adjusted
proactive
at least as tall as me
good kisser, etc
clean, neatly dressed, smells nice
willing to drive some/most of the time
calm, steady, no temper tantrums
clearly crazy about me

roll away your stone

inner turmoil

Nothing sheds light on what's broken inside of me like a new relationship.

Ugh.

:(

Well, it's over.

If he was an asshole this would be so much easier. But he's not. He's pretty great. And we were pretty great together. And oh, I hate this! I hate this, I hate this. And I am sad. And angry. And frustrated. And disappointed, and weary, and confused.

Fortunately, however, all you have to do to win at life is get up more times than you fall down.

So. Here we go.

(Again.)

hush, hush, shhh

I think I will never have too much of the sound of the wind and the sea.
It reaches me in a way nothing else can.

----------

Not quite sure what's going to happen with S. It's not over yet, but it might be soon. I spent the weekend at the beach to distract myself from the fact that we decided to not speak for a few days, while we think things through.

It's been a really hard week. I don't know if we can bounce back or not. And I was right: it hurts. Even the not knowing hurts a lot. But this is what you open yourself up to, when you let yourself love someone.

I'm obsessing about it, even though I shouldn't. I can't help myself.

Or don't want to.

Either way.

----------

Hush, hush, says the ocean. Shhhh...

if you'll let me

relationships are hard

*sigh*