fake it till you make it

Things were seeming pretty bleak these last few weeks. In retrospect it really comes down to not taking good enough care of myself, and no one else stepping up to encourage me to do so either. Had to struggle through some tough decisions and have a few hard conversations with Phil and lost no little amount of already elusive sleep. Even though not everything is resolved yet, in the meantime I have adopted a full force campaign of Fake It Till You Make It, and I must say, it is working wonders, helping me to slowly shrug off the layers of creeping resentment and despair. I feel so much better. It is amazing what conciously deciding to be positive, optimistic, and affectionate can do for your outlook on life.

PSA

When I get upset and cry it's not because I don't think I can handle whatever it is I'm upset about. It's not that I think it won't work out. It's that I'm tired of working things out. I'm tired of putting a brave face on, tired of being strong and intrepid, tired of persevering through adversity.

I wish the universe would go ahead and lay off the fucking adversity already. I am exhausted. It makes me needy and weepy and ensnared in murky memories of what life was like all the time before.

I don't need or expect anyone to solve my problems; no one ever has and I've made it this far haven't I. I just need someone to sit next to me and say, What the fuck, dude? This situation is bullshit. Super unfair. You must be really tired. And once I've cried myself out and I'm feeling better, I still don't need anyone to tell me what to do. I need someone to show some respect for an expert in misfortune such as myself. To say, I know you can figure this out, with or without me. But I want to help if I can. I'm going to be right here, the whole time, and you can tell me what the plan is once you've made up your mind.

feeling all the feels

I've been trying to keep it to myself, but you guys -- my life is a fucking shit show right now. I'm getting kicked out of my studio because the main house was sold, I'm close to broke and totally unprepared to move, my boyfriend is making long-term plans without discussing it with me until afterward because apparently he doesn't understand what it means to be in a serious relationship, I can't focus on work AT ALL, and I'm still super weak and tired and emotional from being so sick.

I feel like I am losing my fucking mind. Uplifting thoughts would be appreciated.