feeling all the feels

I've been trying to keep it to myself, but you guys -- my life is a fucking shit show right now. I'm getting kicked out of my studio because the main house was sold, I'm close to broke and totally unprepared to move, my boyfriend is making long-term plans without discussing it with me until afterward because apparently he doesn't understand what it means to be in a serious relationship, I can't focus on work AT ALL, and I'm still super weak and tired and emotional from being so sick.

I feel like I am losing my fucking mind. Uplifting thoughts would be appreciated.

:(

Unfortunately the vacation photos will have to wait. I came down with a violent case of food poisoning on my last day in Mexico and am still recovering.

Worst. Flight. Of. My. Life.

one of these things just isn't the same

There is nothing like Christmastime to make me feel like I don't belong anywhere, or to anyone.

anchor

No, just lay here quietly, and hold me as tight as you can. Hold me like if you weren't holding me I'd float away. Because I feel like I'm retreating, against my own will; and for once I'd rather stay.

tomorrow

is

approaching

like

a

tsunami.

remembering forgetting

They are not very important, and they are the most important. Nothing has ever been so important. But why should anyone remember, except for me? Why should anyone be remembered, who is not here anymore, who is not right in front of your face right now?

I remember, but not because I should. I remember because it is a thing that happened, and remembering is a thing that humans do. There is no moral attached. There is no redeeming, no higher connotation to remembering. We do it because we do it.

You can't remember something unless you forgot it for a moment. We forget the things that are not right in front of our faces. And sometimes we even forget those things too.

:(

Well, it's over.

If he was an asshole this would be so much easier. But he's not. He's pretty great. And we were pretty great together. And oh, I hate this! I hate this, I hate this. And I am sad. And angry. And frustrated. And disappointed, and weary, and confused.

Fortunately, however, all you have to do to win at life is get up more times than you fall down.

So. Here we go.

(Again.)

hush, hush, shhh

I think I will never have too much of the sound of the wind and the sea.
It reaches me in a way nothing else can.

----------

Not quite sure what's going to happen with S. It's not over yet, but it might be soon. I spent the weekend at the beach to distract myself from the fact that we decided to not speak for a few days, while we think things through.

It's been a really hard week. I don't know if we can bounce back or not. And I was right: it hurts. Even the not knowing hurts a lot. But this is what you open yourself up to, when you let yourself love someone.

I'm obsessing about it, even though I shouldn't. I can't help myself.

Or don't want to.

Either way.

----------

Hush, hush, says the ocean. Shhhh...