Hello Hello

So it's 2016 and my son is 2 years old (WHAT?!) and my baby is teething and I'm back up to full time units at school and still working as well and it's been about 70* around here which is lovely after all the cold and storms and my sister came to visit briefly last weekend and it was so so hard to let her go back home.

How are you?

Happy Mother's Day

To all the mamas holding their babies close today, and all the ones who only wish they could. My heart is with you. xoxo -- vera

I am your quiet place,
you are my wild.

I am your water wings,
you are my deep.
I am your open arms,
you are my running leap.


from You Are My I Love You, by Maryann Cusimano Love

Latergram: November

many nights to come

Usually if Hunter wakes up during the night he just snuffles and grunts and slobbers on his hands until I pick him up, and usually it's only once, now, if at all. But last night he woke up shrieking, twice. I guess I've gotten spoiled because it was quite a shock to my system and as I staggered over to him and scooped him up, admittedly a bit annoyed and more than a little disorientated, it occurred to me what a big committment this is, Being A Parent. What a long term responsibility. Intellectually I know it but sometimes it really hits me over the head.

He's only going to be this little for so long. He's going to get bigger and his problems and his needs are going to get more complex. Even though eventually we'll all get more sleep, he's still going to wake up in the night sometimes, no matter how old he is. He's going to need me to banish monsters and nightmares and fevers and other things that only come out after dark.

Among other duties, of course. There is the daytime as well.

I quickly shook off my irritation and kissed him on his soft round cheek while he howled hysterically into my ear for no apparent reason. "This too shall pass" is a double-edged sword. The hard times will pass but so will the sweet ones.



My little monkey, my lovie, my snuggle buddy. I'm here, baby. I'm here.

reality check

It can be a little disheartening to see some of the women on blogs and Instagram and whatnot who are new moms and you'd never have known they were even pregnant if you only saw them from behind and then they magically appear to fit right back into their size 2 jeans immediately after giving birth. Obviously our social media feeds are skewed toward bliss and I don't think there is anything wrong with that neccessarily as long as we don't forget it. But I know that the real photos on BabyCenter have made me feel a lot better than the carefully edited photos in my Instagram feed ever do. So. Thought I'd get real with y'all.

This is what my body looks like 3 months postpartum.



I was determined to find regular (non-maternity) jeans and was finally successful. They are size 18 Long and I am equally determined not to attach either a positive or negative emotion to that. All I know is as soon as I put them on I felt almost like my old self again for a minute. I did a little dance for Hunter and told him I felt cute, and he laughed, and it was a good day.

Hunter Atlas

He's here you guys, and he couldn't be more perfect.
Obvs we have been blowing up Instagram. Like you do.





Details to follow. xo

merry christmas

We had a nice time with Phil's family for Christmas and will spend Sunday celebrating again with mine. Still deciding what to do for NYE. I've had a cold so it will depend on how I feel, but it doesn't really matter to me what we do as long as we're together. Hope you enjoy the last few days of 2013! See you on the other side. xoxo

Thanksgiving-ish

Turns out I didn't actually take any pictures on Thanksgiving, but I do have a few from the days before and after...


Before: My cousin and a friend wanted to learn to make pies from scratch, so I got to practice my teaching skills and prep for Thanksgiving at the same time. We made apple, pumpkin, and chicken pot pies. It took pretty much all day. They said now when they get one of my pies as a gift they will be even more appreciative :)


1. Baby gettin' all up in my way.
2. My protege's first apple pie. So proud!
3. One of my pumpkin pies


After: Up in Grass Valley with Phil's family where we spend the holidays our Black Friday tradition is to sleep in as late as we can and then go on a hike in the afternoon. This year was more of a walking excursion, for my sake, but just as fun.


1. Gray Lodge Wildlife Area
2. My Philip
3. Me with Phil's neices

feels like fall

For the first time ever I am happy that it is finally cold outside. Much more comfortable for me in my present condition. I had a dr's appointment on Friday, at which I cried a lot but it was very helpful and I got a mental health referral which I never would have thought was something I'd be pleased about but I am. Still just getting through work one day at a time but I am relieved by knowing now that my doctor can approve my maternity leave as soon as it becomes necessary. So, possibly sooner than later. One thing that really threw me off however was that the hospital still refers to me by my old name. It's quite jarring, especially with how emotional I am already. I had finally gotten my new insurance card (after more than a year!) so I was expecting it to finally all be changed over at the hospital when I arrived this time, but alas, it was not so, which did not help at all to deter the crying. I did get someone to make a note on my file though, so maybe next time? Shan't get my hopes up, I'll just be better braced for it next time. Though if anyone calls me anything but Vera while I am trying to give birth I will seriously lose. my. shit.

Phil is taking good care of me and I am grateful. I know he is in this for the long haul, because he told me so, but also because that is the kind of person he is. We've always been good about splitting up household chores, but now he also has been taking on more dinners as well, which is very helpful.

One day at a time, as usual. Looking forward very much to Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then baby. I hope I will be able to just be happy, when he comes. As my doctor said, it's not fair that I keep suffering for what other people did. I should be able to just be happy. I already care so much more for my baby, have done so much more to nurture and protect him in these last six months than my parents ever did for me. The thought of it is hurtful and sharp. Every time I talk to him, I tear up. I think it's a combination of hardly being able to believe that he's going to really be mine, and a sense of loss over what I've never had, what no one ever felt for me. I just hope that whenever I see his little face, the joy will outweigh the pain. For both of our sakes.

It's a...

BOY!!! We are so excited, and looking forward to meeting our cute little man in February.

color me rad

I got to cross off one of my goals this weekend by completing my second 5k of the year. Obviously I wasn't breaking any records, personal or otherwise, but I was really proud of myself for doing it anyway. Alannah and I went by ourselves this year. We jogged a little and walked a lot and came in at right about 48 minutes. It was just as fun as last year, may be even more fun since we knew better what to expect, although I did suffer quite a bit this time afterward with knees so sore that it was almost impossible to get back up to my second-story apartment later that day. May have cried a little bit. But I survived and hope to do it again, and maybe we'll even take the Peanut along next time.

one year

Happy Anniversary, my love! Thank you for all of the fun and adventures. This has been the happiest year of my life so far. I can't wait to meet our awesome baby, and start this new chapter with you -- I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

You are my favorite. I love you. xoxo

with bated breath, we wait

puerto vallarta

Here's a little handful of photos from Mexico. It turns out I really didn't take very many. I think if P and I went I would end up with a lot more, because he loves photography and would be more willing to stop and capture shots than the people I traveled with this time. I hope we can go together someday. I'll definitely be more careful of what I eat! Aside from the vile case of food poisoning it was a pretty fun trip. I really enjoyed speaking Spanish again and always appreciate being immersed in a different culture.




1. Mojito 2. On the beach 3. Bougainvillaeas e'rywhere
4. Taxis and flags 5. On the stairs 6. Flea market