things we call our baby

Beauty
Bright Eyes
Flower
Gorgeous
Littlest
Littlefoot
Little Miss
Lovie
Peanut
Peanut Pie
Poop Machine
Precious
Pudding
Pumpkin
Smalls
Shnookie #2
Snoogle
Special
Squidge
Sugar
Sweetest
Tiny

Mostly we call her Tiny.

Phoenix Rowan

My fierce little beauty, born 10/20/2015. Labored pretty slowly for most of the day but after my water finally broke I went from 5-10 centimeters in about 40 minutes, pushed for 11 minutes, and she was here. We are in love.

AWOL

Oh gosh, I haven't posted since July??! Sorry, anyone who still shows up here!!

So, updates: We moved a couple of weeks ago, and we're almost settled in. I don't know for how long exactly, but at least I know we have a place to bring the baby home to. The kids' room turned out pretty cute, I like to sit in there sometimes even though it's tiny. Phil is working again and he really likes his new school. I am having early labor symptoms, but I'm far enough along that it's not worrisome and she can come whenever she wants to now. Hunter has become very protective of me and is also noticing babies everywhere we go--so maybe he has figured out what's up after all! We do tell him often that baby sister will be here soon, and that certain things in the house are for her. The other morning I found him cuddling his baby doll on his shoulder with no prompting; I think he's going to be an excellent big brother. :)

I'm so happy it's finally October... I am more than ready to meet this sweet little baby and settle into our new routine. I can't wait for us all to get to know each other, and I'm really looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of four. I feel like as soon as she's here, we'll be complete.

happy birthday, gorgeous boy

To think, the wrinkly red bundle who couldn't even hold his own head up and was always poking himself in the eye can now stand up and run around the house, grinning like crazy and waving his arms in the air. I'm not often sentimental, but that gets me. I am really tired but having a great time being his mama. He is smart and funny and charming, and I love watching him grow and change.


Favorite Foods
-frozen gogurts
-frozen raspberries
-organic cheese doodles
-peach/pineapple/orange cups
-chocolate

Favorite Activities
-listening to music/dancing/twerking
-going for walks/hikes with mama and daddy
-staring at/stalking bigger kids at the park
-reading books
-stealing cell phones

Favorite Places
-home
-Lake Elizabeth
-grandma's house
-anywhere with french fries
-anywhere with lots of people to stare at

a little reindeer

scratch that

Now he only eats goldfish crackers.
Oh, and leaves.

anchor watch

After you have a baby, people will inevitably ask you if you are sleeping at night, because the one thing people know about babies is that babies = no more sleep. Sometimes it is even the very first question. When I say he usually "only" wakes up twice now, they will always exclaim, Oh, that's great, that's not bad at all! To which I very much want to reply, Fuck you, why don't you try it for a year and then tell me how great it is. But instead I just smile wanly and look away because people, you know? People.

touché

Hunter wants
to fall asleep
in my arms every night now
and once he (finally,
finally) does,
no matter how stinky
he was being before,
he looks so innocent
and perfect and sweet
that I feel like I could
stare at him
forever,
even if
my whole body hurts and
my arm
is going numb.

Your point, baby.
Bravo.

working mom problems

Shouldn't the Breast Pump be as Elegant as an iPhone and as quiet as a Prius by Now? (Article from the New York Times)

I was already thinking about whether I could invent a better breast pump, because they are just so awful, but finding out that they have remained largely unchanged and unimproved for decades is appalling. And they were originally designed by men, give me a frickin' break!

Anyway, I think I may have found a calling.

rice cereal and existentialism

I thought life was passing quickly before, but nothing makes time seem to pick up speed like watching a baby grow and change right before your eyes. He is so awesome and active and awake to the world.

He started rolling for real-real after I went back to work. He could roll before, but he didn't very much, probably because his big sweet head is too heavy. Though even now he mostly kind of rolls around his head. Like a pinwheel, or like you may have seen a breakdancer do. He likes to sit up, but still falls forward after a second or two. I tell him not to worry, his head is just heavy because he has such a big smart brain. Like mama, Phil adds, smart as well.

I bought Hunter a booster seat last week, where he leans nonchalantly and practices picking up rice snacks. He eats cereal and bananas on the regular, and has tried squash and mangoes and apples and other squishable things. But his favorite food so far is avacado, which makes me oddly happy for reasons I can't explain. He gets super excited about it and makes us laugh. He also tried drinking water out of a plastic cup recently, which he first thought was a funny joke, then decided was a mean one.

I love every single one of his facial expressions, and all of the noises he makes, especially when he surprises himself with a particularly loud squawk. He doesn't really chatter, so it feels special when he tries to talk, like he really wants to communicate something important with you.



He has met so many milestones so suddenly that for a few days I was experiencing some level of panic as my own mortality was made abundantly clear to me by way of his rapid development, and I saw his (and therefore my) whole career as a human playing out as if in fast forward on a movie screen in my mind. All I could think was, Holy shit, it's not going to be like this forever. One day he will be an adult and I will be old and then it will all be over and I don't know what comes next. And then my brain would start melting, like, How the hell am I supposed to deal with the weight of this knowledge? Shit, shit, shitshitshitshitshit, holy fucking shit, no stop no, etc.

Usually I have no fear of death and can rationalize the end of my own existence quite well, but I am so attached to this tiny person and his progress is so easy to see and I care so much about it that it throws many of my complacent attitudes into disarray. I think this is a big part of what we are getting at when we say we wish that babies could stay babies forever. It was easier when I had no strong attachments. There were people I loved very much of course, and who loved me, but I knew they could get on just as well or almost just as well without me if they needed to. My son would not get on just as well without me.

And I actually like being alive most of the time now, too, so there's that.

I have adjusted mentally and am doing better, but it was an uncomfortable bout of insecurity to say the least. Thank goodness our minds are generally good at distracting us when things get too intense. Self preservation and whatnot.

-----

I haven't started his baby book yet (though I did finally purchase one, omg!) so I am using this space to help document his firsts and my personal/parental freak-outs alike. My instagram has also turned into mostly Huntergram since he was born but for the same reason so I am unapologetic.

Seasons, you know?

finally, yay!

After 4 weeks of trying... Hunter is finally taking a bottle from Phil! I want to dance and sing but that might distract him so I am just saying, "Good job, you guys! Yay! Great job."

Repeatedly.
Under my breath.
From the safety of the kitchen.

I'm so relieved! Add this to the list of Things You Never Knew You Could Be Excited About.

many nights to come

Usually if Hunter wakes up during the night he just snuffles and grunts and slobbers on his hands until I pick him up, and usually it's only once, now, if at all. But last night he woke up shrieking, twice. I guess I've gotten spoiled because it was quite a shock to my system and as I staggered over to him and scooped him up, admittedly a bit annoyed and more than a little disorientated, it occurred to me what a big committment this is, Being A Parent. What a long term responsibility. Intellectually I know it but sometimes it really hits me over the head.

He's only going to be this little for so long. He's going to get bigger and his problems and his needs are going to get more complex. Even though eventually we'll all get more sleep, he's still going to wake up in the night sometimes, no matter how old he is. He's going to need me to banish monsters and nightmares and fevers and other things that only come out after dark.

Among other duties, of course. There is the daytime as well.

I quickly shook off my irritation and kissed him on his soft round cheek while he howled hysterically into my ear for no apparent reason. "This too shall pass" is a double-edged sword. The hard times will pass but so will the sweet ones.



My little monkey, my lovie, my snuggle buddy. I'm here, baby. I'm here.

this one

This is
the one that
made it
the one
carried so long
loved at great cost
brought forth with great effort, who now
wraps his fingers around mine
who smiles
lopsidedly at me
while I feed him
whose belly I rub and
whose back I pat
the one
who is more like me
than I ever expected and yet
so wholly himself
I am in awe
I am so tired
I am proud and overjoyed
and grief-stricken
and confused (and
did I mention
also
very, very
tired?)

He is the fiercest and
most beautiful
creature I've ever seen
his adoration
the heaviest and
most uplifting
thing I've ever known
and every day I think
I am in love
with this one, this fighter
this intrepid explorer
this gorgeous boy: mine
all mine
finally
mine.

Hunter Goes to Washington

Last weekend Hunter got on his first of hopefully many airplanes and flew with me to Seattle to meet lots of people who love him.



He was not too sure how to feel about air travel, as you can see, and kept this expression on his face pretty much the whole flight. But he was a trooper and I am so proud of him for handling with aplomb what many adults have not even experienced. He was thoroughly adored during our visit and I think the trip was well worth it.





We had a really nice time but missed Phil very much and are happy to be home again. Next week during spring break the three of us will be making the rounds to visit Phil's side of the family; many more sweet moments soon to come.

things you never knew you could be excited about

- Two hours of sleep... in a row!
- Extremely audible burps, farts, and poops!
- Breast milk stash stacking up in the freezer!
- Spit-up going between my boobs instead of anywhere on my shirt!

Life is very different now.

time keeps on slipping

I am already mourning his tiny newness and wishing I had more photos and video from the last few weeks. I was in too much of a sleepless haze and it truly did not even occur to me until now, which makes sense but still surprises me for some reason, and I have to forgive myself for it. I do have some very sweet photos on my phone and instagram but I hope if I do all this again I will remember, and get more creative sooner with the real camera. He's definitely lost that newborn look already, the simpler, more serene expressions, the purple-red extremeties, that thin and peely skin. He's filled out so much and has rolls now all over him, and has suddenly outgrown clothes he could wear just a few days ago. Most people guess when they see him that he's older than he is. Such a short time ago I wished he would wake up more, and now it is a challenge to get him to sleep. He's so bright and alert and doesn't seem to want to miss a thing.

There are only a few photos of me and him together, but every time I see one I feel a wave of mild vertigo. That is my baby. I am his mother. That is a photo of a baby and his mother. It hardly seems real but I am so thankful that it is.

here is the world

My sweet baby is one month old. I'd love to say something poetic and concise about being a new mom and how magical it all is but I don't quite have it in me at the moment. Sleep deprivation and whatnot, you see. But my heart is full. I still tear up when I talk to him, but I do talk. Sometimes he looks concerned and I make sure to explain that I am happy, not sad. I don't worry anymore about being a good mother, I just do the things a good mother would do. Phil and I love him and sing him our own made-up songs and tell him about the kind of person we hope he will be, the kind of life we'd like him to have. I knew we could do it, and we are doing it, and everything is going to be fine.

Here is the world, my love.
It is all for you.

I will be the one to show him how to not be afraid.

things we call our baby

Boo-Boo
Baby
The Baby
My Baby
Handsome
Handsomest
Little Creature
Lovie
Peanut
Peanut Pie
Pumpkin
Pumpkin Pie
Pudding
Puppy
Precious
Sweetness
Special
Shnookie
Big Time Shnookie
Milk Man
Mr. Milky Man
Mr. Magoo Goo
Baby of the World
Your Son
Hunter
Hunter Atlas
The Prince

not a wizard

Sweetie, I just happen to be the one with the boobies ok? Please do not look at me like I must automatically know how to do everything baby-related. Thank you.

hello!

I am 2.5 weeks old! I have been to Target, the grocery store, the lake, and three restaurants, but I don't remember because I slept the whole time. I like milk and my soft blankies and staring at faces and windows. I do not like getting my diaper changed or waiting for anything or when I poke myself in the eye. I hardly ever cry, but when I do I go from zen to boiled lobster in less than a second. Daddy went back to work yesterday and we really missed him a lot so I had to yell at him a little when he finally came home but we're cool now. This place is pretty weird but I'm trying my best to fit in.