not a wizard

Sweetie, I just happen to be the one with the boobies ok? Please do not look at me like I must automatically know how to do everything baby-related. Thank you.

a hot mess

It's not even lunchtime and I've already cried three times today, twice because I feel like I'm failing at work and I have no idea how or why I'm still trying to do my job at this point, and again because I knocked a glass off my counter this morning and it shattered into a million billion tiny shards across every inch of my kitchen floor and it is still there because Swiffers don't work on glass and all I have to use is a hand broom but I can't even reach the floor to clean it up properly so it is still a war zone in there. I want to go back to bed forever. I feel like an idiot for saying I could work this long, I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I was pretty well over my hyperdeveloped need to please authority but apparently not far enough because here I am and I can't think of literally any other reason for it. I should have quit last week while I was still mostly human. Annnd I'm on the verge of crying again. Ok, rant over./

Carry on.

californians

This reminds me of basically everyone from CA. Particularly the women.
It's taking a long time to get used to :(

soggy quilts and jackals

Jumped ship, escaping. Fuck this shit, I'm out. Swept away in a deep, deceptive current, struck and stuck against sloping rocks. Thick blankets, useless now, soaked and cold and burdensome and onerously heavy, dragged out painstakingly and laid flat to dry. Night falling. Small fire, no food. Unexpected, unwelcome, unhelpful company. Will not be hushed. What will find us in the night if she will not hush? Jackals. Pitch black ones, ears perked. Slow and steady and menacing and coming straight for us through the dusk. There's a shotgun at hand, but it's old and empty, and cocking and firing for show of strength produces only the faintest click, a sound so inconsequential as to be simultaneously insulting and intensely embarrassing. Strike out feebly with the blunt end. Give the alpha a mild headache, at best. Prepare to have your face eaten.

Or maybe just wake up.