Phoenix Rowan

My fierce little beauty, born 10/20/2015. Labored pretty slowly for most of the day but after my water finally broke I went from 5-10 centimeters in about 40 minutes, pushed for 11 minutes, and she was here. We are in love.

heavy

Something awful happened a few days ago in Isla Vista, CA and since Phil went to UCSB it strikes a chord with him I guess, so he's had this appalled and morbid fascination with the event and consequently I have heard way more about it than I ever would have wanted. Saturday night before I went to bed I was on Twitter and saw the dramatic outpouring of experiences being shared under #yesallwomen. It was powerful and I'm not sorry I read them but it made me feel sad and vulnerable and it was hard to go to sleep after that.

I mostly follow comedians; some of them got serious, others satirical. Here are some gems from my Twitter feed:

I don't want women to judge me by the same high standard I use to judge them. That wouldn't be fair at all.

— Mark Leggett ✂︎ ☹ (@markleggett) May 22, 2014

Women are still represented as a minority in politics, entertainment & business, even though we are over 1/2 of the population. #YesAllWomen

— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) May 24, 2014

"Can men really have it all? A family and a career?" Isn't a regular headline. #YesAllWomen

— TaylorAileenHarrison (@goldieharrison) May 25, 2014

"I have a boyfriend" is the easiest way to get a man to leave you alone. Because he respects another man more than you. #yesallwomen

— Rylah (@JBRylah) May 25, 2014

Because the friendzone is the fictional exile of the entitled. “Sexual partner” is not a woman’s default mode. #yesallwomen

— Harrison Mooney (@HarrisonMooney) May 25, 2014

we're trained to avoid stereotypical “abuser” types, but I was only abused by people who were supposed to love & protect me #YesAllWomen

— keply (@keplyq) May 25, 2014

Of all the things we're told to be scared of (Muslims, black men in hoodies) nothing terrifies quite like entitled white men #YesAllWomen

— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) May 26, 2014

"Hey will you wait and make sure I get into my apartment safely?" -Not men.

— Jhon Rules (@JhonRules) May 25, 2014

#YesAllWomen because I get asked about my relationship status and my diet before I get asked about my career at a family gathering.

— Rosenasty (@RoseNasty) May 25, 2014

Guy I went to high school with asked why I'm not married I was like I don't know why are u gettin drunk in a folding chair life is a mystery

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) May 26, 2014

Observations: 1) When people get defensive, it's because it hits too close to home 2) How many men do you know that carry a rape whistle?

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 26, 2014

I think the reason this particular crime has had this kind of response was due in part to the disturbing videos the shooter put out beforehand, placing the blame squarely on his victims and describing what he was going to do to them because they didn't think he was as amazing as he did. But above and beyond that, more attention should be drawn to the fact that he purposefully distributed the videos to several people, all of whom who could have done something to stop him. And nothing was done. And people died. And this fucking asshole is getting publicity and even sympathy and it makes me want to scratch my own eyes out and punch a lot of people in the throat and I honestly don't even think I'm overreacting. (If you tell me that I am, you may be added to my throat-punch list.)

Anyway. I've been really agitated the last few days. I don't have the heart to link to the story or the youtube vidoes, but I'm sure they're not hard to find if you feel like you need to see them to understand what I'm talking about. I have more to say but I also have a baby to take care of, so. I guess that's it for now.

currently

Apartment living has its pitfalls (most of our annoyances have been plumbing-related) but so far things are working out and we like our new place. Fremont has pretty much every convenience you could ask for, and we are enjoying exploring the area. I am really happy with the way life is coming together right now; the apartment, the baby, and being with a really great guy who loves me and enjoys my company. I feel like things are on track for once, even though it scares me to say it. I am just trying to appreciate this time, and take each day as it comes.

never have I ever

He has said it to my back, in passing, or maybe into my hair. Quietly, experimentally; softly enough as to be easily missed. And I have missed it, intentionally, a few times before. But this morning when he said it, standing there in the bathroom, half shaven, kissing me goodbye, he was so sincere and adorable and I felt so happy my fears weren't big enough to stop me anymore. I grabbed his face with both hands and looked him straight in the eye and I said it too. The first time I've said it to him or to anyone: I love you.

And oh, I do.

surprise/delight

So, I'm seeing someone again. I honestly wasn't expecting to meet such a great guy this soon. But I did. I thought it might take forever and all it took was a few easy dates. Which threw me, at first. Made me leery of the whole thing. Made me wonder if I was just rebounding, if I might hurt someone the way I was so recently hurt, if I was just kidding myself. But I wasn't, and I'm not, and I got over it. And I'm happy.

Maybe it will last 2 months, or 2 years, or 20. I don't know. But I like him, and he likes me. So, here we are. For now. And since now is all we can be anything close to sure of anyway, it is perfectly all right with me.

fish fingers & custard

Last weekend I felt underwhelmed and overtired so I stayed at home and lay on the couch and ate cinnamon rolls and watched Dr. Who on Netflix and finally just took a day off from everything. Also I made this print, which I had been meaning to do for awhile:

It makes me giggle. I'll be moving in mid-September and I can't wait to hang it in my new kitchen. It will be lovely to get all set up in my very own place again, surrounded by things that make me happy.

#humblebrag

I have met three new guys so far and they are all super nice and like me very much and want to spend more time with me but I am going to have to pick one of them eventually, and ugh what am I going to do?!

Sorry for talking about dating and relationships so much lately, you're probably hella bored. I know I would be. And I feel fairly ridiculous... But this is what I'm thinking about right now, so this is what's landing on the page. Thankfully Pammy will be here on Sunday though, and then I'll be distracted for at least a week. Which will come as a relief to all of us, I'm sure.

omg you guys

Did I mention that I have a boyfriend? Because I totally do.

blarg

I have been feeling not-so-great today, and yesterday I had a killer headache, and thus I am two days behind on my NaNoWriMo word count. :( I will have to try to catch up on Monday, I guess.

In happier news, I got to the fabric store before my headache set in yesterday, and now have lots of material on hand to work with, so I will be able to get some Christmas projects done once I am feeling a bit better. Also -- I finished my 100th book this morning! Click on over to Vera's Bookshelf to find out what I'm doing to celebrate.