priorities

Sometimes being a mom of two kids under two years old means you eat a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast because the morning is almost gone already and it's the only thing within reach and you can eat it with one hand which is good because the baby wakes up as soon as you try to put her down no matter how soundly she seems to be sleeping, tiny trickster, and sometimes you drop a piece of your cookie breakfast on the floor, and almost feel like crying (just a little, just on the inside) because it was a really delicious cookie breakfast, but you can't possibly pick it up right now because you're too, too tired, so sometimes you look the other way, just this once, when your toddler picks it up and eats it
-- even though you spend a good portion of every day telling him not to eat things he finds on the floor -- because like I said, it was a really delicious, and it seems a shame to waste it.

ouch

Things have been pretty stressful for the last month or so. Phil's school was shut down and it turns out the board was very corrupt; he has not been paid and likely will not be paid his last two paychecks for the year. We had to move out of our apartment this past weekend, but it's a temporary situation so most of our stuff is in storage and we will have to move again in a few weeks. I'm six months pregnant and exhausted. Oh, and Hunter has not slept through the night in weeks. So that's fun.

A few more days of summer classes left and then I'll have a couple of weeks off and hopefully can get some rest. We need to look for a new apartment but it seems a little pointless right now since we don't have the money for rent or deposits. Anyways. That's what's up with us. Thankfully Phil did finally find a new job, so that's a relief. I know things will work out, they always do, but I wish life was not so hard sometimes.

note to self

People say it gets easier but I'm pretty sure that's a lie.

It never gets easier, you just get used to it, kind of--except for when you don't. Except for when you feel like crying for days or just walking out the door without looking back, without even closing it behind you. You're not bad for thinking it, I promise. Because you didn't do it. (That would be bad, if actually you did it. But you didn't.) You're still here. And your baby loves you more than the sun. And you'll get used to that, too. This baby that will grow up and get big and strong and hairy where he once was soft and smooth, and yet will still be your tiny sweet baby standing there, always, if you just squint your eyes a little. He will grow up and never be able to grasp, not quite, how much you have done for him. World without end, amen.

But these are the easy days, really. I'm sorry. I know you're too tired to hear that. I won't tell you to enjoy every moment; just try not to ever hate it. It will all be over soon. So soon, too soon. This too shall pass and your memory, that kind and helpful friend, will soften these days and make them not only palatable, but sweet. Meanwhile: You are doing a really good job.

Now for the love of god, go take a nap.

scratch that

Now he only eats goldfish crackers.
Oh, and leaves.

anchor watch

After you have a baby, people will inevitably ask you if you are sleeping at night, because the one thing people know about babies is that babies = no more sleep. Sometimes it is even the very first question. When I say he usually "only" wakes up twice now, they will always exclaim, Oh, that's great, that's not bad at all! To which I very much want to reply, Fuck you, why don't you try it for a year and then tell me how great it is. But instead I just smile wanly and look away because people, you know? People.

things you never knew you could be excited about

- Two hours of sleep... in a row!
- Extremely audible burps, farts, and poops!
- Breast milk stash stacking up in the freezer!
- Spit-up going between my boobs instead of anywhere on my shirt!

Life is very different now.

PSA

When I get upset and cry it's not because I don't think I can handle whatever it is I'm upset about. It's not that I think it won't work out. It's that I'm tired of working things out. I'm tired of putting a brave face on, tired of being strong and intrepid, tired of persevering through adversity.

I wish the universe would go ahead and lay off the fucking adversity already. I am exhausted. It makes me needy and weepy and ensnared in murky memories of what life was like all the time before.

I don't need or expect anyone to solve my problems; no one ever has and I've made it this far haven't I. I just need someone to sit next to me and say, What the fuck, dude? This situation is bullshit. Super unfair. You must be really tired. And once I've cried myself out and I'm feeling better, I still don't need anyone to tell me what to do. I need someone to show some respect for an expert in misfortune such as myself. To say, I know you can figure this out, with or without me. But I want to help if I can. I'm going to be right here, the whole time, and you can tell me what the plan is once you've made up your mind.

fitness secrets

I've never in the history of ever had thighs that don't touch, though I am usually reasonably fit. I don't much mind the way they look but when I go running in shorts I get an icky rash which is extremely upsetting and painful. And I can't just stop wearing shorts because you guys it is dang hot out and plus I can't get a tan in yoga pants and without a tan I'm pretty sure they kick you out of CA. (Just kidding! Maybe? I don't know, I haven't totally figured this place out yet.)

Anyway. If you have thighs that don't touch... Please, kind wizard, teach me your ways.