words and more words

I have several ideas bobbing around in my head, but I am afraid to write any of them down. If I write them down, then they will be mine, really mine, and I will have to decide what to do with them. If I write them down, they will exist outside of me, and take on lives of their own, and possibly run off without my consent to places unapproved of and unknown. It is like having children, in it's own way; I'd heard that before, but I see more and more now that it's true.

Words are powerful. One must be responsible about bringing them into this world.

affirmation

quote by Dr. Gregg Jantz
typography and photo by me

optimism

I am choosing to be happy. It cracks me up to say that and mean it, when I would have smacked someone upside the head for even suggesting it to me not so very long ago. But I refuse to hand over my power to anyone else; nothing and no one can make me unhappy. Not my past, not any of those people, not even the endless grey sky. (Though they've each certainly put in a great deal of effort. I'll give them that.)

Nevertheless! I deserve a life; and a good life at that. Mourning was required, but I need less and less of it now. Now I can go after a life that I want, and not just get by with breathing shallowly and trying to be invisible (but resenting being invisible too), and hoping that whatever bad thing happens today, it's not as bad as that other time.

Nothing in me deserved to be neglected, abused, assaulted, or bereft. It happened anyway. Other people's choices. But I can make my own choices, after the fact. Now, if I deserve anything, it's peace. It's joy. It's love.

all undone

I wrote more while I was away than I have since I got back! I feel so strange... Like I went underwater and the surface closed over me, and it's seamless now and there's no telling where I'll come up again, if at all. But anybody watching has lost interest, and drifted away. Maybe if I splash around a bit, they'll come back?


Whenever I am about to speak I think better of it before the words even come out, and my throat closes off to save me from embarrassment or misunderstanding. So I am silent and still -- on the outside. Which is misleading. I look exactly the same, but I am quite different now. I feel more peaceful, and I know I have a future to look forward to... which in its own way is scarier than thinking I had pretty much run out of things to be excited about. There are so many possibilities, again. And I have alot of work to do.


But I actually think I can do it. Which is new.



photography by elena kalis.

impatient

I want my outside to match my insides. I want my real life to feel as awesome as my dreams. I want more friends, and mentors, and a boyfriend/husband and kids. I want a career, and a home -- whatever that ends up looking like, so long as it feels like home to me. And I want a dog, too. I want a full life. And I know I can get it. I need some patience. And some help. And some love; lots of love.

two turtledoves

I'm so glad you're safe. I wish we could be together, but it's good to know too that you are untainted by this world. You were never exposed to the pain that can be inflicted here. I loved you and cared for you as best I could... and then you were gone. It makes me glad for you, to have known only love, and pass on into more love, complete love, everlasting. I miss you; but I take comfort in the belief that you are pure, and safe, and whole.

And I carry you in my heart.

so many possible futures

I had a vision the other day. It was so real -- like I was physically living it out in that moment. It only took a few seconds, a few heartbeats...

I visioned unlocking a front door and stepping into a house, and I knew it was our house, a house I owned with my husband (yay! a husband!). And the dog pushed past me to get inside (yay! a dog!), and I walked in and set down the baby carrier with my baby sleeping in it (yay! I had a baby!), and dropped my keys back into my bag, and just took a moment to look around the room and think: Wow. This is good. This is my life, and it's really good.
I could feel the sun on my skin, and see the dust motes in the air, and hear my baby snuffle quietly in her sleep and the dog lapping water noisily down the hall.

And then the next second I realized I was actually alone in my kitchen, staring out the window at the January rain, holding a cup of tea in my cold hands. And I didn't really know how to feel about that.

The Alchemist

I kept trying to put in a quote from this book, but I just wanted to keep adding and adding to it... so I decided to simply tell you: you should read the whole thing.

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.
It is one of my all-time favorites.
It basically rocks.

holding out for the win

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you,
then they fight you, then you win.

--Mahatma Gandhi

how could it be any other way?