optimism

I am choosing to be happy. It cracks me up to say that and mean it, when I would have smacked someone upside the head for even suggesting it to me not so very long ago. But I refuse to hand over my power to anyone else; nothing and no one can make me unhappy. Not my past, not any of those people, not even the endless grey sky. (Though they've each certainly put in a great deal of effort. I'll give them that.)

Nevertheless! I deserve a life; and a good life at that. Mourning was required, but I need less and less of it now. Now I can go after a life that I want, and not just get by with breathing shallowly and trying to be invisible (but resenting being invisible too), and hoping that whatever bad thing happens today, it's not as bad as that other time.

Nothing in me deserved to be neglected, abused, assaulted, or bereft. It happened anyway. Other people's choices. But I can make my own choices, after the fact. Now, if I deserve anything, it's peace. It's joy. It's love.