I'm pretty sure I said "fuck" more times today than in all the rest of my life put together. I'm mad at myself, mostly. Why can't I just be honest? Why do I try so hard to make things easier for everyone else but me? Well, I know why, I guess. But that doesn't really help.
I am trying to be good so that bad things won't happen to me.
When I was little I was always told to "Be good." Being good meant being quiet, not getting dirty, keeping secrets, staying out of the way unless I was needed, not asking for anything, and showing excessive gratitude for any item, food, or attention that came my way. I was under the impression that if I was good enough, then good things would happen. Which has never actually worked, but I am still trying.
It is something that I devote all of my energy to, and there is a certain level of desperation involved. So when I am questioned or critiqued I'm like, What the FUCK are you talking about? I am using every fibre of my being to do every single thing I do the very best that I can! It cannot be done any better!! Why are you ruining my life?!
And I get angry. I get angry that no one seems to notice how hard I am trying ALL THE TIME. I get angry that I push myself so hard. I get angry at everyone around me for not realizing how shitty my life has been, and then I get angry at myself because how can they sympathize if I use all my energy trying to make it look like nothing is wrong?? Oh my God, it is such a mess!
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I bust my ass trying to be perfect, but it turns out my idea of model behavior isn't the same as every other person's. There is always going to be something I'm asked to do differently -- which maybe I wouldn't take so personally if I didn't think I was already doing it "right."
*sigh*
I carry around so much resentment, but when I focus on the real issue, all that anger just turns to ashes and I feel empty and sad.
Sometimes there is no other word.
ReplyDeleteYou hang in there. keep searching for the roots and it will keep you saner than most. At the same time, keep honoring your anger. It's there for a reason.
I try to live by the principle that when I am triggered, I need to look at what the actual hook is. Sometimes it actually is the person at hand that has done repeat behavior from my past that is toxic intentionally. IN that case, it really is ok to have indignation at that person's behavior. Most often, in my case, that person has just triggered a memory, by just being who they are unintentionally...which i can't change. So I try to stay on top of triggers so fresh resentments don't begin.
You're doing so well, VK. SO SO SO well. And, I am not one to "mince" words. I say what i mean and mean what i say. So, take that compliment, if you'd like.
Maybe buy yourself a balloon today. :) You deserve one! A purple or yellow one. They are quite regal and free, you know. :)
love your way.
us
I have a tremendous respect for your strength, and the committment you have to healing and growth. You are brave and beautiful and stronger than you yet give yourself credit for. Do not burden yourself with the need to be good; you're as good as you need to be. Good things will come to you just because, and you will deserve them, and they will cause a renewed hope and confidence in you. Expect great things! And keep on the path you're on...you are amazing and an inspiration to others - even those you do not know are benefiting from your strength and your story. Beautiful girl! =)
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