almost

It's almost Lissie's... well, I don't know what you'd call it, really. Because it's not a birthday, exactly. But somehow, for me, it seems less sad to remember her on the day she left, early and unfinished as she was, than on the day she should have arrived, fully formed, perfect and golden and lightly fuzzed as a sun-ripe apricot.

Maybe it's because after all the fantasies and lies I grew up with, it feels better now to embrace what's true, unpleasant or ugly or hard as it may be, than to wish in vain for things to be different. It's true that Ailis isn't here with me today. But she was here, for a little while. I am excited to celebrate her life, and what it meant for mine.

I can see you when I close my eyes, baby girl, and you are so beautiful! You and your someday sisters, heart-breakers and breath-takers, the lot of you. You're like sunshine and raindrops at the same time.

Save a place for me, where you are, okay? I want to sit and hold you for at least a million years.

Love, Mommy