the river

This song puts me in mind of the way I felt this time last year...

Like I was wading out into a swift current -- and I didn't care. I made choices I never imagined I'd make. I don't regret any of them; I think I did what I needed to do, to stay sane. But it changed the way a lot of people looked at me, and the way they treated me. I had a reputation, you know. The good girl. The responsible, reliable one.

I was tired of it.

I felt like everyone thought they knew who I was, just by looking. As if I were easy to peg, easy to label -- but no one knew me at all, not really. I was so angry, so trapped inside myself. So used to going through the motions, behaving the way everyone expected me to, day by day by day. Performing. Don't make any sudden moves. Don't startle anyone. The resentment broke me, eventually.

My life looked pretty good from the outside. I had an amazing job that I loved, an attractive boyfriend who was still treating me well, a big room in a house with really fun, authentic people. I had a wide network of friends and acquaintances. I had so many of the things I thought I wanted... And I was horribly depressed, though I didn't even know it. I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough.