almost

I've been thinking alot lately about when I was pregnant with Noah. I knew it so early! And I felt so nervous-excited inside.

One day I was shopping at Target, and I let myself walk all slow and nonchalant down one of the baby aisles--like I just happened to be passing through that part of the store, for no particular reason--and then I laughed at myself, and thought, Seriously, who am I kidding?! What do I care? and turned around and walked up and down all the rest of those aisles too. I looked at playpens and highchairs and carseats and bouncers, pacifiers and blankets and diaper bags and bibs. I touched things with reverence, if at all; tracing the different patterns of owls and stripes and flowers with my fingertip, and dreaming. I smiled at the sweet and clever things written on some of them, and decided what I would choose if I could. I was drawn already toward the things meant for boys.

Later I went to the book section. I picked up a pregnancy magazine, and I remember I just stared at the cover for the longest time. Like, Do I dare? And, But what if I'm not? What will I say to the cashier? Or, What will J say if she sees it? Then an associate came and asked me if I needed any help, and scared me half to death.

I ended up putting the magazine back. I didn't trust myself, yet. Now I wish I had bought it. I wish I had trusted the depth of those feelings, wish I'd been able to show myself that kind of support. It seems kind of sad that I didn't.

I remember though, regardless. I remember how those days felt, and it makes me happy--because I believe now that my instincts are accurate, and good. I know that I'll recognize it when I feel it again; and I am so much stronger now. I will be able to trust myself. And hopefully, when it's time to walk those aisles again, I won't be alone.