perspective

It keeps going! Depending on the depth of your despair - or power of your optimism - I can see how it might make some people feel worse instead of better. But it's still interesting at least. Here is the link (via Cup of Jo).

this one

This is
the one that
made it
the one
carried so long
loved at great cost
brought forth with great effort, who now
wraps his fingers around mine
who smiles
lopsidedly at me
while I feed him
whose belly I rub and
whose back I pat
the one
who is more like me
than I ever expected and yet
so wholly himself
I am in awe
I am so tired
I am proud and overjoyed
and grief-stricken
and confused (and
did I mention
also
very, very
tired?)

He is the fiercest and
most beautiful
creature I've ever seen
his adoration
the heaviest and
most uplifting
thing I've ever known
and every day I think
I am in love
with this one, this fighter
this intrepid explorer
this gorgeous boy: mine
all mine
finally
mine.

Hunter Goes to Washington

Last weekend Hunter got on his first of hopefully many airplanes and flew with me to Seattle to meet lots of people who love him.



He was not too sure how to feel about air travel, as you can see, and kept this expression on his face pretty much the whole flight. But he was a trooper and I am so proud of him for handling with aplomb what many adults have not even experienced. He was thoroughly adored during our visit and I think the trip was well worth it.





We had a really nice time but missed Phil very much and are happy to be home again. Next week during spring break the three of us will be making the rounds to visit Phil's side of the family; many more sweet moments soon to come.

things you never knew you could be excited about

- Two hours of sleep... in a row!
- Extremely audible burps, farts, and poops!
- Breast milk stash stacking up in the freezer!
- Spit-up going between my boobs instead of anywhere on my shirt!

Life is very different now.

time keeps on slipping

I am already mourning his tiny newness and wishing I had more photos and video from the last few weeks. I was in too much of a sleepless haze and it truly did not even occur to me until now, which makes sense but still surprises me for some reason, and I have to forgive myself for it. I do have some very sweet photos on my phone and instagram but I hope if I do all this again I will remember, and get more creative sooner with the real camera. He's definitely lost that newborn look already, the simpler, more serene expressions, the purple-red extremeties, that thin and peely skin. He's filled out so much and has rolls now all over him, and has suddenly outgrown clothes he could wear just a few days ago. Most people guess when they see him that he's older than he is. Such a short time ago I wished he would wake up more, and now it is a challenge to get him to sleep. He's so bright and alert and doesn't seem to want to miss a thing.

There are only a few photos of me and him together, but every time I see one I feel a wave of mild vertigo. That is my baby. I am his mother. That is a photo of a baby and his mother. It hardly seems real but I am so thankful that it is.

here is the world

My sweet baby is one month old. I'd love to say something poetic and concise about being a new mom and how magical it all is but I don't quite have it in me at the moment. Sleep deprivation and whatnot, you see. But my heart is full. I still tear up when I talk to him, but I do talk. Sometimes he looks concerned and I make sure to explain that I am happy, not sad. I don't worry anymore about being a good mother, I just do the things a good mother would do. Phil and I love him and sing him our own made-up songs and tell him about the kind of person we hope he will be, the kind of life we'd like him to have. I knew we could do it, and we are doing it, and everything is going to be fine.

Here is the world, my love.
It is all for you.

I will be the one to show him how to not be afraid.

things we call our baby

Boo-Boo
Baby
The Baby
My Baby
Handsome
Handsomest
Little Creature
Lovie
Peanut
Peanut Pie
Pumpkin
Pumpkin Pie
Pudding
Puppy
Precious
Sweetness
Special
Shnookie
Big Time Shnookie
Milk Man
Mr. Milky Man
Mr. Magoo Goo
Baby of the World
Your Son
Hunter
Hunter Atlas
The Prince

not a wizard

Sweetie, I just happen to be the one with the boobies ok? Please do not look at me like I must automatically know how to do everything baby-related. Thank you.

hello!

I am 2.5 weeks old! I have been to Target, the grocery store, the lake, and three restaurants, but I don't remember because I slept the whole time. I like milk and my soft blankies and staring at faces and windows. I do not like getting my diaper changed or waiting for anything or when I poke myself in the eye. I hardly ever cry, but when I do I go from zen to boiled lobster in less than a second. Daddy went back to work yesterday and we really missed him a lot so I had to yell at him a little when he finally came home but we're cool now. This place is pretty weird but I'm trying my best to fit in.

details, as promised

I had a routine OB appointment on February 5th, which due to sudden and unexpected high blood pressure led to a non-stress test, which led to monitored triage in Labor and Delivery, which led to being admitted and induced within a matter of hours. Not exactly how I thought that day would go. I had so many tasks and errands I was going to accomplish right after my appointment, and Phil and I were planning a last hurrah for the weekend, but we had to let those plans go. It all happened so fast it was hard to wrap my brain around it. I was on pitocin for several hours but that night around 9:00pm they decided to turn it off so I could sleep, and start it again in the morning. Except about 15 minutes later my water broke, and then I was in labor for reals. For 22 hours.

I had to be on the monitors the whole time and have an IV in my hand, both of which I hate passionately and made me much more uncomfortbale than I felt was necessary. My contractions were terrible but maddeningly irregular and my progress was slow and I had terrible back labor and was in so much pain I felt like I was going to lose my everloving mind. I finally had an epidural on Thursday afternoon, which was very scary for me, but in the end not as scary as the thought of even one more minute of that pain. After that it was not so bad, they put me back on pitocin to help things along and by 7:45pm I was ready to go. I am a champion pusher apparently and 29 minutes later I had my slippery son on my chest and we were blinking at each other, exhausted and bewildered but together at last.

His name is Hunter Atlas and I love him more than anything.
Born 02/06/2014 at 8:14pm; 7 lbs, 9 oz; 21 3/4 inches long.

Phil was excellent throughout the labor and birth, just like I told everyone he would be.  It's a huge adjustment, being a new family of three, but we are doing well.