Goodbye Goodbye

Well.

2016, huh? Jesus Christ. This year kicked my ass and then handed it me.

I hesitated to write because so much of my year was consumed by ppd, and I never wanted my baby girl to read about that and ever feel like she could possibly be the cause of any darkness or pain. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't my fault, either. Sometimes I wish I'd written it down, for other mamas, or for my daughter, for someday, if she is suffering too and she needs it. Maybe I can still drum up some version of the story eventually. We'll see.

Anyway, 2016. I've been depressed, and broke as fucking fuck, and still plugging away doggedly at my accounting classes. I have one more semester to go; the end is finally in sight. We moved all our stuff twice, were technically homeless for two months in between. I drove to Washington State with my kids during the summer and spent three weeks with my people there. I quit Facebook and I started running again, probably my best decisions of the year. And then there was the election and its heartbreaking result. You guys. YOU GUYS. Seriously, I can't even. I'm still sick about it.

---

I've mulled over many posts that never made it to the screen. I'm sorry but I'm not that sorry. I just couldn't do it, that's all. I'll always have a special place in my heart for this blog. My little corner of the internet, where I worked through grief, and shared light when I could, and made some lovely online friends. Crafting a post can be therapeutic, but I clearly don't have time or energy for it right now. I'm overwhelmed by big and real problems and I'm very lonely, to be honest, and the season I'm in calls for more direct interactions. So. All this to say: Do you want to be my friend in real life?

I don't use FB anymore, but I do have the Messenger app on my phone. I don't always have my phone in my hand or my pocket, but it's usually in the same room at least. I'll message you back as soon as I can. I'll send you a picture of my kids being adorable. Or terrible. I'll send you memes if that's your jam. I'll send you something real in the mail, maybe, sometime, you never know. I will meet up with you in real life, if you want to, if we happen to be in the same area at the same time and I can get away. I'm down.

Here are some ways you can find me:
MESSENGER: m.me/vkhadley
INSTAGRAM: verakate
TWITTER: vera_kate
ETSY SHOP: verakatehadley
EMAIL: twirlkitten@yahoo.com


I wish you all the best and I thank you for reading my thoughts here and being a support to me that way, even if you never said a word.

Much love and much light and much hope. Goodbye for now.

xoxo, vera kate

Hello Hello

So it's 2016 and my son is 2 years old (WHAT?!) and my baby is teething and I'm back up to full time units at school and still working as well and it's been about 70* around here which is lovely after all the cold and storms and my sister came to visit briefly last weekend and it was so so hard to let her go back home.

How are you?

Merry Christmas!

pros/cons

Phil and Hunter went to visit family, so Phoenix and I are on our own this weekend. The house is so tidy (I cleaned up yesterday, and it's still clean!) but it's also very, very quiet. The Christmas decorations are up in record time, and I can pretty much nap whenever I want. Still, I can't quite decide if I like it or not. I think I might miss my messy boys.

priorities

Sometimes being a mom of two kids under two years old means you eat a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast because the morning is almost gone already and it's the only thing within reach and you can eat it with one hand which is good because the baby wakes up as soon as you try to put her down no matter how soundly she seems to be sleeping, tiny trickster, and sometimes you drop a piece of your cookie breakfast on the floor, and almost feel like crying (just a little, just on the inside) because it was a really delicious cookie breakfast, but you can't possibly pick it up right now because you're too, too tired, so sometimes you look the other way, just this once, when your toddler picks it up and eats it
-- even though you spend a good portion of every day telling him not to eat things he finds on the floor -- because like I said, it was a really delicious, and it seems a shame to waste it.

things we call our baby

Beauty
Bright Eyes
Flower
Gorgeous
Littlest
Littlefoot
Little Miss
Lovie
Peanut
Peanut Pie
Poop Machine
Precious
Pudding
Pumpkin
Smalls
Shnookie #2
Snoogle
Special
Squidge
Sugar
Sweetest
Tiny

Mostly we call her Tiny.

wave of light

I couldn't bring myself to participate on the 15th, not with a new baby in my belly, so close to being born. Too sad to let it all the way in. But yesterday I remembered, and I sat and felt, for a little while, and I lit my pine tree candle and watched it burn and listened to that song that still makes me almost-cry. They are only a little bit here now, those two, and mostly Somewhere Else. But I remember. How imposssibly small they were. The fear and the beauty and the violence and the love. The abruptness of their start and stop. The metallic tang of blood. The pain that threatened to tear me apart but instead began to show me I am whole.

Life is a reckless, passionate lover, and death is a quiet and patient old friend, and I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry anymore.

Phoenix Rowan

My fierce little beauty, born 10/20/2015. Labored pretty slowly for most of the day but after my water finally broke I went from 5-10 centimeters in about 40 minutes, pushed for 11 minutes, and she was here. We are in love.

AWOL

Oh gosh, I haven't posted since July??! Sorry, anyone who still shows up here!!

So, updates: We moved a couple of weeks ago, and we're almost settled in. I don't know for how long exactly, but at least I know we have a place to bring the baby home to. The kids' room turned out pretty cute, I like to sit in there sometimes even though it's tiny. Phil is working again and he really likes his new school. I am having early labor symptoms, but I'm far enough along that it's not worrisome and she can come whenever she wants to now. Hunter has become very protective of me and is also noticing babies everywhere we go--so maybe he has figured out what's up after all! We do tell him often that baby sister will be here soon, and that certain things in the house are for her. The other morning I found him cuddling his baby doll on his shoulder with no prompting; I think he's going to be an excellent big brother. :)

I'm so happy it's finally October... I am more than ready to meet this sweet little baby and settle into our new routine. I can't wait for us all to get to know each other, and I'm really looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of four. I feel like as soon as she's here, we'll be complete.

ouch

Things have been pretty stressful for the last month or so. Phil's school was shut down and it turns out the board was very corrupt; he has not been paid and likely will not be paid his last two paychecks for the year. We had to move out of our apartment this past weekend, but it's a temporary situation so most of our stuff is in storage and we will have to move again in a few weeks. I'm six months pregnant and exhausted. Oh, and Hunter has not slept through the night in weeks. So that's fun.

A few more days of summer classes left and then I'll have a couple of weeks off and hopefully can get some rest. We need to look for a new apartment but it seems a little pointless right now since we don't have the money for rent or deposits. Anyways. That's what's up with us. Thankfully Phil did finally find a new job, so that's a relief. I know things will work out, they always do, but I wish life was not so hard sometimes.