a prayer for the wild of heart who are kept in cages

It was a rough weekend for me. Mother's Day has always been difficult, fraught with confusion, pressure, and conflicting emotions for as long as I can remember. May 11 is also my mother's birthday, and every few years they fall on the same day, as they did this year. At least I no longer have to give her a gift that was never good enough, or write a card, struggling with what to say that won't break my heart or my mind, and holding my breath that it pleases her so as not to earn me that dreaded smirk and/or the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

I know I'm not like her at all. I don't worry about that. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, we are at opposite ends of the spectrum. What hurts is that she doesn't love me, that she never did. All the commercials and the social media in the buildup to Mother's Day, celebrating moms and all they do, the way they nurture and protect and give of themselves, the special bond they have with their children - that's completely missing from my realm of experience. My life was not the life of a child who was loved.

Nothing makes that clearer to me than having my own baby, the happiness he has brought me, and the depth of love I feel for him. I would do anything to protect him. I understand that he is separate from me, and that alone is a bigger gift than I can imagine.



My parents failed to form an attachment with me, and no matter what else happens I will always have that nagging feeling deep inside that I am different, that I am alone, a little lost, not quite trusting anyone completely. No one can fix it. It's a basic condition of human development. I am grateful for my son, for a chance to do it better, to feel that attachment from the other side at least, although it makes my grief so fresh again. The way he looks at me, smiles and talks to me, melts into my shoulder, lets me know not just that he loves me, but that he knows that I love him. Nothing matters to me more.

The photo above feels iconic. Our first Mother's Day. It looks like the kind of photo that people were sharing on Sunday of themselves as babies with their mothers. I hope that Hunter will look at this picture as an adult and feel, purely and easily, all of the things I always wished I could feel about my mother. I hope he thinks I'm beautiful, as a person, on the inside, because of the way I cared for him and loved him no matter what.

Coincidentally, Phil's mom also has her birthday on May 11, and she is someone I am happy to celebrate. Last year it was a welcome distraction to go and visit her for the weekend, and before we left she hugged me and called me her daughter. I cried. It was so unexpected and needed and kind. I had no idea that just a few weeks later my own little baby would make his presence known, to fill me with hope and trepidation and this stubborn, boundless love.



Title quote by Tennesee Williams. Dedicated to my little-girl self.

confessions

- Struggling not to lose my identity, which is difficult when you are with a baby 24/7 and they are the main person you have to talk to, especially because it is recommended that you refer to yourself in the 3rd person, so it's "Mommy" this and "Mommy" that all day long.

- I enjoy being a mom, and the encouragement I get around it is great and really appreciated, but I wish I could get the same kind of acknowledgement for doing well in other areas of my life too. Like, thanks, did you know I'm also a really kick ass girlfriend, and a pretty decent friend as well? Also I'm nice to other people's kids, which not everyone is. And I recycle and I try to conserve water, and I donate our extra diapers to the women's shelter.

- Pregnancy and childbirth are really, really hard. I have not forgotten. Seeing his gorgeous face did not wipe my memory of the suffering.

- I turned the corner out of the kitchen too sharply yesterday and bonked Hunter's head on the doorframe. He screamed at me for two minutes and was sporting a little bump for awhile. I felt disproprotionately guilty.

- The only really useful piece of advice I got was from the pediatrician who discharged us from the hospital, who said, "You will get all kinds of advice. Listen, smile, nod, say thanks... and then just do whatever you were going to do anyway. People mean well, but they don't know anything about your baby."

- The other day I got Hunter up from his nap by sitting next to his bed and talking sweetly to him and calling his name softly and finally he woke up with the biggest smile on his face and was so happy and it was the cutest thing that ever happened in the history of the world.

- I wish I could get photos of Hunter's face while he's nursing without my giant boob being in the way. He makes the best expressions. I have seen photos of other people that are nice and where the boob is not distracting but I have not been able to take one myself, I think you probably need assistance for those.

- I have tried on seven different styles of jeans and they all looked awful on my current body and I am almost ready to give up and resign myself to stretchy pants for the rest of the year but I just ordered three more pairs so we'll see how that goes first. (Additional suggestions welcomed.)

- There is a lot of pressure here to be skinny. I feel like I did a good job during my pregnancy with weight gain all things considered, and honestly I think I look pretty damn good now for having just given birth 3 months ago. The remaining extra weight doesn't bother me so much as just having no tone anymore, and the loose skin on my belly sometimes grosses me out. Phil does not seem to be bothered by any of it, or at least he has the good sense not to say so, which is close enough to being the same thing.

- The longest stretch of sleep I've had in over six months is 5 hrs. But it's usually less. Much less.

- I can't remember what I even used to talk about on here.

- Becoming parents has been really hard on our relationship. I'm told it gets better after the first year. I hope so.

respite

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

Rumi

perspective

It keeps going! Depending on the depth of your despair - or power of your optimism - I can see how it might make some people feel worse instead of better. But it's still interesting at least. Here is the link (via Cup of Jo).

this one

This is
the one that
made it
the one
carried so long
loved at great cost
brought forth with great effort, who now
wraps his fingers around mine
who smiles
lopsidedly at me
while I feed him
whose belly I rub and
whose back I pat
the one
who is more like me
than I ever expected and yet
so wholly himself
I am in awe
I am so tired
I am proud and overjoyed
and grief-stricken
and confused (and
did I mention
also
very, very
tired?)

He is the fiercest and
most beautiful
creature I've ever seen
his adoration
the heaviest and
most uplifting
thing I've ever known
and every day I think
I am in love
with this one, this fighter
this intrepid explorer
this gorgeous boy: mine
all mine
finally
mine.

Hunter Goes to Washington

Last weekend Hunter got on his first of hopefully many airplanes and flew with me to Seattle to meet lots of people who love him.



He was not too sure how to feel about air travel, as you can see, and kept this expression on his face pretty much the whole flight. But he was a trooper and I am so proud of him for handling with aplomb what many adults have not even experienced. He was thoroughly adored during our visit and I think the trip was well worth it.





We had a really nice time but missed Phil very much and are happy to be home again. Next week during spring break the three of us will be making the rounds to visit Phil's side of the family; many more sweet moments soon to come.

things you never knew you could be excited about

- Two hours of sleep... in a row!
- Extremely audible burps, farts, and poops!
- Breast milk stash stacking up in the freezer!
- Spit-up going between my boobs instead of anywhere on my shirt!

Life is very different now.

time keeps on slipping

I am already mourning his tiny newness and wishing I had more photos and video from the last few weeks. I was in too much of a sleepless haze and it truly did not even occur to me until now, which makes sense but still surprises me for some reason, and I have to forgive myself for it. I do have some very sweet photos on my phone and instagram but I hope if I do all this again I will remember, and get more creative sooner with the real camera. He's definitely lost that newborn look already, the simpler, more serene expressions, the purple-red extremeties, that thin and peely skin. He's filled out so much and has rolls now all over him, and has suddenly outgrown clothes he could wear just a few days ago. Most people guess when they see him that he's older than he is. Such a short time ago I wished he would wake up more, and now it is a challenge to get him to sleep. He's so bright and alert and doesn't seem to want to miss a thing.

There are only a few photos of me and him together, but every time I see one I feel a wave of mild vertigo. That is my baby. I am his mother. That is a photo of a baby and his mother. It hardly seems real but I am so thankful that it is.

here is the world

My sweet baby is one month old. I'd love to say something poetic and concise about being a new mom and how magical it all is but I don't quite have it in me at the moment. Sleep deprivation and whatnot, you see. But my heart is full. I still tear up when I talk to him, but I do talk. Sometimes he looks concerned and I make sure to explain that I am happy, not sad. I don't worry anymore about being a good mother, I just do the things a good mother would do. Phil and I love him and sing him our own made-up songs and tell him about the kind of person we hope he will be, the kind of life we'd like him to have. I knew we could do it, and we are doing it, and everything is going to be fine.

Here is the world, my love.
It is all for you.

I will be the one to show him how to not be afraid.

things we call our baby

Boo-Boo
Baby
The Baby
My Baby
Handsome
Handsomest
Little Creature
Lovie
Peanut
Peanut Pie
Pumpkin
Pumpkin Pie
Pudding
Puppy
Precious
Sweetness
Special
Shnookie
Big Time Shnookie
Milk Man
Mr. Milky Man
Mr. Magoo Goo
Baby of the World
Your Son
Hunter
Hunter Atlas
The Prince