October 9, 2012

leaning

Inspired by Angie, and talk of crutches.

You, faceless you, are dependent on others; I see that all too clearly and I shake my head (inside my own head) and feel slightly to highly superior, contingent on your level of dependence and/or co-dependence, because anyone could see that I myself am thoroughly independent, I am as independent as they come. And yet I have realized, suddenly, annoyingly, unwelcomely, that it is only because I am dependent on being independent and I do not know of a way to be any other way.

I need to not need you. I am terrified of needing you. Of needing anyone.

You could try until you drop dead of trying and it is entirely possible that I would still stubbornly, tenaciously, vehemently not-need you but I sure would cry when you were gone. Not-needing is my crutch, my old habit; a mostly invisible one to be sure but still a clear and present sign of brokenness.

As long as I need so desperately not to need you, I am leaning on a temporary solution and I'll never know any other kind of strength unless I learn to lean another way instead.

4 comments:

  1. Thinking about this post quite a bit.

    Your desperate need *not* to need makes perfect sense. I remember what you wrote, about promises your mother made - to get you out, to make sure you were protected from now on -

    (and *lied*, even when promising)

    Which would leave anyone determined oh-so-bitterly-NOT to be left dangling, again. Ever.

    How do you learn - about the leaning? How does change come?

    It is slow, here,

    CiM xoxo

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    1. It is slow here too. Patterns noticed, rejected, noticed again, ignored. Thoughts like this simmer for ages before ever making it to the light of day. And exposure is only the start.

      Peace. x

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  2. Hmm that post obviously touched a nerve with a few people as I wrote something about it too. This is really fascinating to me as I am one of life leaner's, I will lean against pretty much anything and anyone going. It never occurred to be that perhaps strength, leaning away from could also be a crutch.
    Hoping that we will all eventually make it to simply standing up right before the end, as we try and move in the opposite directions. Swap you some strength for a little of my feebleness? xo

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    1. Amen sister. Here's to standing up straight.

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