this whole place is one long poem about ghosts

The notion of
ghosts is
uncomfortable
sometimes, only
sometimes
though
because
there are things
like abuse and
neglect and
doubt
and
mistrust and pain
and how

how

does
the world keep on
spinning on
and on

how

do we go on
when this thing is still
around -- even if it
has disintegrated
turned to dust and slime, it's
in the air, it's
taking shape again, changing
into something else
smaller, maybe
not so ugly, maybe
not so scary or strong but
still

there. And

the same is true
of golden things, of
happy things now gone
now turned to dust and sunshine
water
and flowers
and air and stars and
memory
and changing
always changing
into something new, something
that can't be touched, can't be
caught or kept and yet
(thank goodness)
still it's

there.

rotting

Head spinning
spinning
won't stop

spinning

hurts
and I am

overwhelmed
stuck
foundering
flailing
failing

at

E V - E R - Y - T H I N G

too big
too small
too hot
too scared
too much
not enough
out of time
out of place

out

of

touch

touch

touch

can't

touch

cannot
stay
can't go
anywhere
elsewhere
is there
nowhere, no
somewhere
far

far

far

far away

from
w h o
from
w h a t
from
w h e n
from
me, from
hell
on earth
land
sea
sky
space
time
memory
mind

Nothing
is gone
it's never
gone
it
changes maybe
takes a
different shape but
it's still there
it's there
forever
even if it looks like
it's

rotting

it's just changing shape and
it will never

go

away.


----------


(Bring to this
what you will, I
cannot tell you
what to feel.)

saturday night

Santa Cruz

Napa

SF

#humblebrag

I have met three new guys so far and they are all super nice and like me very much and want to spend more time with me but I am going to have to pick one of them eventually, and ugh what am I going to do?!

Sorry for talking about dating and relationships so much lately, you're probably hella bored. I know I would be. And I feel fairly ridiculous... But this is what I'm thinking about right now, so this is what's landing on the page. Thankfully Pammy will be here on Sunday though, and then I'll be distracted for at least a week. Which will come as a relief to all of us, I'm sure.

the universe is in us

via Bits of Beauty

speaking of

I went out for the first time again on Tuesday night and I was so, so nervous but I had a really fun time. It was an excellent reminder of what I already knew: that there are plenty of other great people in the world, worth meeting. And I can do this. I can do this as many times as I need to. I am smart and funny and nice, and always improving, and brave and strong. I am worth somebody's time and effort, and I can find somebody who is worth mine.

indomitable

I cried a lot, the last couple of weeks. Even more than I thought I would. I listened to Of Monsters And Men on repeat and cried and cried and cried. It was exhausting, but I do feel better now. My previous breakups have never been this intense. It either hadn't gotten very serious yet, or I hadn't put my whole heart and self into it in the first place.

God it hurts, when you're all in. Chalk it up to experience, though. One more aspect of the human condition with which I am now familiar. My happiness was so wonderful and precious to me -- but so was my deep and surprising sadness.

Yes, it was worth it. And yes, I will go right back out there, and try again. For the sake of the experience of both of those emotions, and everything in between.

black & white