Fuck.
April 30, 2012
April 28, 2012
April 25, 2012
The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making
April 12, 2012
stand rapt in awe
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
Albert Einstein
April 9, 2012
fine
I'd never been in that alley before; I didn't know where it would let out. Had to turn left instead of right because I came out farther down the street than I thought I would, and then I ran those last two blocks home. I clattered down the stairs to my basement room, curled up as small as I could, fell asleep clenched and gasping. Woke up late, and my roommates had already gone for the day. Dragged myself upstairs to shower, the hottest shower I could stand. Washed my hair twice. Scrubbed my fingers, my palms, under my nails. Sat limp on the floor of the tub and let the water beat down. I listened to it gurgle, loud, watched it swirl in the drain. It could have been an hour, two hours, a hundred. When I came to again I bundled my clothes up in a towel and threw them in the laundry. Hottest setting, lots of detergent. Waited, tense, on the end of my bed for the beep of the washing machine, then the dryer. Hot, hot, kill the germs. Kill the germs. Hot.
When my clothes were clean I put them in a plastic bag, along with the towel that had touched them, and I took the bag out to the dumpster and threw them away. My favorite sweatshirt too, and my earrings, and my shoes -- everything I had been wearing the day before. And the blanket I had slept on top of that night. Garbage now. Gone.
And then I was calm. I was calm because I was in control again. There was no evidence, none. It must have been a dream. It was all a terrible dream I had, and I would soon forget it.
My mum dropped by later.
"How are you?" she said.
"Fine," I said. "I'm fine."
When my clothes were clean I put them in a plastic bag, along with the towel that had touched them, and I took the bag out to the dumpster and threw them away. My favorite sweatshirt too, and my earrings, and my shoes -- everything I had been wearing the day before. And the blanket I had slept on top of that night. Garbage now. Gone.
And then I was calm. I was calm because I was in control again. There was no evidence, none. It must have been a dream. It was all a terrible dream I had, and I would soon forget it.
My mum dropped by later.
"How are you?" she said.
"Fine," I said. "I'm fine."
April 8, 2012
breakable
I feel vulnerable in the spring. Sensitive. Exposed. The flowers start showing up and they're gentle, thank goodness; I need them to be gentle. The sky is bright, and blue, and full of empty promises.
It's been 5 years and 2 weeks. And I still feel vulnerable in the spring.
It's been 5 years and 2 weeks. And I still feel vulnerable in the spring.
April 6, 2012
when I thought for a moment that things would be different, and then they weren't
She said, "I am going to make sure that doesn't happen anymore."
"Okay," I said.
I went into my room and sat on the bottom bunk; my brother's bed. I looked at the wallpaper and decided I would be glad to be rid of it. The walls at my grandparents' house were clean and white. It was not a huge house; I would still have to share a room. But the walls would be white. I scuffed my toes against the carpet, waiting. Maybe she was packing her own things first.
When I went to look for her, she wasn't in their room. She wasn't in the laundry room either. I heard water in the sink, a pan on the stove. I walked down the hall, slowly, slowly. She was in the kitchen, making dinner, and she had put her makeup on.
I blinked.
There was no suitcase out, no duffel bag packed.
Oh.
"Do you want to watch TV?" she asked me.
"No," I said.
I went back to my room and shut the door.
April 3, 2012
seriously
Dear Guys on Dating Sites,
Please do not lie about your height. It's just silly. I will notice, and I will be annoyed. Also, please do not use photos that are really outdated. I will notice that, too. You are not 21 anymore! That's why we're here, right? Get over it. Oh, and if you are going to ask me to drive 30 miles out of my way to meet you, you had better be extremely good looking, or extremely charming, or both. If you ask me to drive 50 miles, to meet you in your own town, I will not even answer. Because you're a jerk. It's a first date for crying out loud. I don't even know if I'll like you yet, and gas costs $4.39 a gallon.
Thank you for your time,
Vera
April 1, 2012
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