February 12, 2011

alone with my thoughts in a coffee shop

Another day, another Star*bucks... same issues.

I don't miss my actual "mother." I miss the idea of having a mother. And I am staggered by the enormity of my loss, the sheer depth and breadth of what has been missing from my life, and no matter what happens next, no matter how lovely things might (someday) get, I can never go back and fill in that blank. Sometimes we never get back the things we lose.

I know it will be driven home all the more, when I finally watch a child of my own grow, encompassed completely by my love, true mother-love; the kind of love I've never experienced for myself.


Reaching for more words; but they're not very interested in making an appearance tonight, I'm afraid. Or... perhaps that's just it: I am still afraid.

I desperately need someone to cheer me on; to notice when I'm doing well, and tell me so. (Because really, I am doing remarkably well.) But all I can hear is the echo off of 27 years of silence.


  1. You are doing remarkably well. I am always impressed by your sanity in the face of such heartbreak. Your words always resonate with me, so I always carry a piece of you around (not in a weird stalker way, I swear). You are not alone, not really. Someday you will see all that love and wisdom you hold reflected back to you and that day will be marvelous indeed. Godspeed on your journey to that day.

  2. vk, I totally relate to this post. I have so many mixed messages that come back to haunt me in the middle of a lot of silence. It's all about erasing and rewriting, isn't it? Replacing what was there or not there and rewriting in messages that we need so desperately to heal those holes. You hang tight, love. Our Higher Power has built into us the ability to reparent ourselves so that we can minister to those hurts with truth. You ARE doing so well.

    On a happier note, I am mailing your package this week! YAY! :)



    may this band encourage you. It's a local band from where I live.

    loves <3