I haven't written anything in so long. I kid myself, thinking: Later. Later I'll feel like writing, and it will all come out then. But the longer I put it off, the more difficult it becomes.
Every time I go out of town, it's like a fog has lifted off my brain. I can see and think more clearly, and believe that things are possible again. Then I come back to the valley. It's paralyzing -- the landscape alone! Pretty, in it's own way. It has its moments. But it has been the backdrop of all the horrors of my life, and I'd be content to never lay eyes on those foothills again.
Still, it is not so simple. Or rather, it is simple, but not easy. I say what I want to do, where I want to go -- but time after time my words float away from me, insubstantial. If I release them with more force, they fall to the ground with a hollow thud, like lead balloons. The words don't carry me anywhere. I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath and hope, and when I look down my hands are empty still, or holding something that can't help me in the least.
I'm missing some secret, I think. Probably something a mother would have been able to teach. Or a girl who had not been so traumatized might learn on her own. I feel like I'm on a rugby field swarming with professionals, and I'm the only one who doesn't know the rules. Also, I am wearing a summer dress. And no shoes. And what the hell is it that I am supposed to be doing here?
i moved five states away from where i was raised 9 years ago. I moved from one of the most beautiful states in the country to midwest cornfield, usa. There must be a reason other than my love for finding beauty anywhere that I adore the barren look of a cornfield in the winter, the sun shining through the window in this suburb, and the sound of birds native to this area...people always ask why i left SC (where i grew up). How could you leave such a beautiful state? Don't you miss the genteel southern comfort? The ocean (well hells yeah about that one, haha)? The mountains? The sweet tea?
ReplyDeleteI smile nod, crack an appropriate joke, and move on...while i think...NO. I DON"T miss it. I DON"T miss the memories, the feel of the air in the summer that reminds me of horrors, the smells of flowers in the spring that cause triggers, etc etc etc. Thank GOD i hightailed it out of there like a bat out of hell. Space meant safety for me, which allowed my insiders to begin to shuffle out of the shadows within, realizing that maybe, just maybe we really were safe.
I don't know where your journey will take you, but i completely understand the suffocation you speak of.
Oh, preparation. no one prepared me either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPlzZKTw5J4
take care, dear VK. I will be hoping, wishing and even praying that you will figure your next step out. OUT! OUT! OUT? you deserve that, however that looks to you...
(((YOU))) ang