walk away from

Sitting in an empty tub in the dark
I can still see exactly
where each tan line fades to white
from here.

Don't need the lights on to recall
every curve, and fold, and flaw of my body
I could map them out for you
like directions to my parents' house.

But you know every inch of this skin
and you don't need a map
and you can remember the way
to my parents' house all on your own, so
you don't need me anymore.

I opened my heart wide, and you came near
and loitered there at the door but you never walked through;
so I'll just close it up again, and I'll pretend
like nothing ever happened
because
nobody wants to be the one
that somebody else had the will and the strength
to walk away from.

mirror mirror

Sometimes I think I might actually be really rather pretty.

(Sometimes.)

lines

these lines
these skinny lines
these silly skinny lines
these lines
are not just lines
are not just silly lines
these lines are
important
these lines are important
to me

they are eaten up with meaning
they are thin, they are emaciated with meaning

I look at them and I know
despite their nonchalantness
despite their scraggly appearance
despite the fact that I don’t know why
they are there, I can see them, and I can see that
they are not just lines
they are important to someone
they meant something to someone
they are important

they mean something
to me.

pheonix

I am a village stripped and
raped and pillaged.

I've salvaged what I could;
I'll burn the rest
and hope for something good
to come up out of the dust.

Breathe new life in me,
breathe some heat into these cold
extremities, forgotten in my haste
to escape reality.

coastlines

slate grey waters meet green grass and sloping sands
is it comfort or despair that wells up in me at the sight, the
endless pattern: in and out and in and out and in displays the fact
the ocean doesn't care whether i stand here watching
or not. it doesn't need me to go on
crashing in and out and in and out and in...
but i care. and i'm here -- can't stay away
from those familiar coastlines,
ragged as the edges of my heart.

earthbound

the weight of
gravity, lifted

suspended

freefall kiss
of gentle winds
but then
earthbound
once again

Vocabulanimals

Frustrated, I want my words to march across the page in orderly rows and stay where I put them and say exactly what I mean them to say, and I don't want it to take much effort. Sometimes they just come; and sometimes they don't. I'm not sure what makes the difference.

I want my words to be like the animals in the Sunday School version of Noah's Ark, filing onboard. In easily recognizable groups; docile, well-behaved, directed by God, disinterested in eachother, content to quietly serve their purpose in the grander scheme of things. Instead, they are more like how I imagine the filling of the ark (and the days leading up to it) really was: rather loud at times, and overwhelming. Things getting stepped on, crying, complaining, clamoring for attention. The predatory animals gobbling down just a few of the meeker variety... Words roam and ramble around my head and across these pages, chasing one another like hunters and hunted. Like lions and zebras. Not all of them are pretty. Not all of them are even neccessary. Not all of them make sense -- but here they are. And though the capacity comes from God, they are mostly not directed by God, but by me; by my small, willful, stubborn, ignorant, frightened, stumbling-in-the-darkness self.

And yet... I wonder if God doesn't really like all his own messy stories much better than our cleaned up retellings?

healing [the mystery of memory]

looking back
life looks more like
a steady line but sometimes
at the time
it feels more like
fits and starts
rushes and lulls
and in between
those things
you think you know but
then you find that
you don't really know
anything
at all.

why do we wander
into woods or
by the water
to find ourselves
what can the trees
or rivers
even mountains
ever tell us
about us
where we've gone
and been
and done
why do we leave to
search far away
when we're right here
when we're right now

i look around
and sure it's pretty
but it's empty
empty empty
because there are no other
human faces here
the wilderness just
wasn't made to
love me back
trees and flowers
all so pretty
but they can't tell me
what my name is
or remember when with me
like you can
like you could
if you ever wanted to

golden moments
glow 'mid the dark of
childhood shadows and the

silence

rings in my ears
love was just
too softly spoken
to hear
at times
over the fear
and worry
seems the world is not a
safe place to stand
how can anybody think
we might survive
this scary life that i
somehow accidentally
ended up in

hold your breath
hold my hand
please hold your
questions till
the end

then there are moments
seen in splinters
like broken shards of glass
when we go back
relive them
they leave us bleeding
black and blue then
heal up quick
or maybe slowly
depending on how deep
the cut goes and i
can forgive but i can't seem
to forget
though i've
tried.

but healing is a
process or so
they say
or so they've
said to me before
but maybe it's just
one of those things
they think they know
but they don't
really know
at all.

release
release
release
the tainted
feeling
all pent up
inside to fly away
on the bright wind
of a
new day
new day
new day
new way
new road
new me
it is for
freedom
he has
set us free.

oh, to know you like i could
oh, to love you like i should

heavenly

a hundred ripe strawberries
round and shining red
so sweet to taste them again
wide open spaces
green hills and fields
where I can run
and run, and run
and never reach the other side
until I'm ready.

cottonwood seed falls like snow
slips through my open fingers
on gentle summer breezes
grass and flowers
growing lovely there
look and smell so amazing
and I can put them
in my hair and know
my eyes won't burn
my head won't ache.

dance up a mountain if I want to
from the bottom to the highest peak
or maybe swim a waterfall
no rules, no gravity, no fear
my heart beats strong
my breath comes easy still
thunder and lightening split the sky
resounding in the shining city
off the buildings where His people dwell
we cry Holy as the echoes fade and then
begin again.

welcome home
to a home that's all your own
but with nearly everyone
you've ever known and loved
we have no need for sun
or moon, or stars
aside from beauty's sake alone
for He is the only light now
and forever.