I couldn't bring myself to participate on the 15th, not with a new baby in my belly, so close to being born. Too sad to let it all the way in. But yesterday I remembered, and I sat and felt, for a little while, and I lit my pine tree candle and watched it burn and listened to that song that still makes me almost-cry. They are only a little bit here now, those two, and mostly Somewhere Else. But I remember. How imposssibly small they were. The fear and the beauty and the violence and the love. The abruptness of their start and stop. The metallic tang of blood. The pain that threatened to tear me apart but instead began to show me I am whole.
Life is a reckless, passionate lover, and death is a quiet and patient old friend, and I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry anymore.
October 30, 2015
October 29, 2015
Phoenix Rowan
My fierce little beauty, born 10/20/2015. Labored pretty slowly for most of the day but after my water finally broke I went from 5-10 centimeters in about 40 minutes, pushed for 11 minutes, and she was here. We are in love.
October 1, 2015
AWOL
Oh gosh, I haven't posted since July??! Sorry, anyone who still shows up here!!
So, updates: We moved a couple of weeks ago, and we're almost settled in. I don't know for how long exactly, but at least I know we have a place to bring the baby home to. The kids' room turned out pretty cute, I like to sit in there sometimes even though it's tiny. Phil is working again and he really likes his new school. I am having early labor symptoms, but I'm far enough along that it's not worrisome and she can come whenever she wants to now. Hunter has become very protective of me and is also noticing babies everywhere we go--so maybe he has figured out what's up after all! We do tell him often that baby sister will be here soon, and that certain things in the house are for her. The other morning I found him cuddling his baby doll on his shoulder with no prompting; I think he's going to be an excellent big brother. :)
I'm so happy it's finally October... I am more than ready to meet this sweet little baby and settle into our new routine. I can't wait for us all to get to know each other, and I'm really looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of four. I feel like as soon as she's here, we'll be complete.
So, updates: We moved a couple of weeks ago, and we're almost settled in. I don't know for how long exactly, but at least I know we have a place to bring the baby home to. The kids' room turned out pretty cute, I like to sit in there sometimes even though it's tiny. Phil is working again and he really likes his new school. I am having early labor symptoms, but I'm far enough along that it's not worrisome and she can come whenever she wants to now. Hunter has become very protective of me and is also noticing babies everywhere we go--so maybe he has figured out what's up after all! We do tell him often that baby sister will be here soon, and that certain things in the house are for her. The other morning I found him cuddling his baby doll on his shoulder with no prompting; I think he's going to be an excellent big brother. :)
I'm so happy it's finally October... I am more than ready to meet this sweet little baby and settle into our new routine. I can't wait for us all to get to know each other, and I'm really looking forward to our first Christmas as a family of four. I feel like as soon as she's here, we'll be complete.
July 20, 2015
ouch
Things have been pretty stressful for the last month or so. Phil's school was shut down and it turns out the board was very corrupt; he has not been paid and likely will not be paid his last two paychecks for the year. We had to move out of our apartment this past weekend, but it's a temporary situation so most of our stuff is in storage and we will have to move again in a few weeks. I'm six months pregnant and exhausted. Oh, and Hunter has not slept through the night in weeks. So that's fun.
A few more days of summer classes left and then I'll have a couple of weeks off and hopefully can get some rest. We need to look for a new apartment but it seems a little pointless right now since we don't have the money for rent or deposits. Anyways. That's what's up with us. Thankfully Phil did finally find a new job, so that's a relief. I know things will work out, they always do, but I wish life was not so hard sometimes.
A few more days of summer classes left and then I'll have a couple of weeks off and hopefully can get some rest. We need to look for a new apartment but it seems a little pointless right now since we don't have the money for rent or deposits. Anyways. That's what's up with us. Thankfully Phil did finally find a new job, so that's a relief. I know things will work out, they always do, but I wish life was not so hard sometimes.
May 28, 2015
May 10, 2015
Happy Mother's Day
To all the mamas holding their babies close today, and all the ones who only wish they could. My heart is with you. xoxo -- vera
April 28, 2015
a poem
by Hunter Atlas
My kid is a genius ;)
/
‘n-[j]
N ooooo8 ,.
, k
Jh jkU k<, .’llt[hl[jlt[hjklw kkkd;smbg0u0DS>pd[a
vopvy
; b k m i
My kid is a genius ;)
April 15, 2015
there's simply no accounting for taste
The other day we were getting ready to go to the store, so I asked Hunter to find his shoes and pick out some socks. I wasn't sure if he would actually listen, but he went right to it. After much deliberation (throwing many pairs of clearly inadequate socks on the floor) he brought me his too-big turquoise Christmas socks with little penguins wearing Santa hats on them. Smiling hugely, he backed into my lap so I could help him put them on, and I did. I let him wear them even though they didn't match his outfit and even though it is April and nowhere near Christmas.
And maybe it seems silly to you, like a non-story basically, but I felt so good about it, like I had won at something, because my mom would NEVER have let me wear those socks in April or maybe at all. But he had done exactly what I asked him to do, and there was absolutely no good reason to make him think he was wrong. Just because I wouldn't wear Santa penguin socks in April doesn't mean he shouldn't wear them if he feels like it.
Autonomy is so precious, you guys. I can't even tell you. For your own sake I hope you don't quite understand what I'm talking about. I'm confident that Hunter won't, and I'm glad.
And maybe it seems silly to you, like a non-story basically, but I felt so good about it, like I had won at something, because my mom would NEVER have let me wear those socks in April or maybe at all. But he had done exactly what I asked him to do, and there was absolutely no good reason to make him think he was wrong. Just because I wouldn't wear Santa penguin socks in April doesn't mean he shouldn't wear them if he feels like it.
Autonomy is so precious, you guys. I can't even tell you. For your own sake I hope you don't quite understand what I'm talking about. I'm confident that Hunter won't, and I'm glad.
April 3, 2015
repercussions II
Perhaps you simply have made us
a creature that reaches
always just a little higher
and always
just a little too far
you know we want more, and better
and we want to be more, and better
and it is our weakness
and our strength
and I think you know.
I think you know.
a creature that reaches
always just a little higher
and always
just a little too far
you know we want more, and better
and we want to be more, and better
and it is our weakness
and our strength
and I think you know.
I think you know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)