March 10, 2011
March 9, 2011
on a different note
You know, I was just thinking, the scope of the world is so much vaster than I was ever allowed to believe before. And I love that about the world. I love its scope.
World, you have freaking awesome scope! Thanks for being SO MUCH bigger than the house I grew up in.
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My head is feeling lighter now.
It helps, I suppose, to empty it this way from time to time.
World, you have freaking awesome scope! Thanks for being SO MUCH bigger than the house I grew up in.
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My head is feeling lighter now.
It helps, I suppose, to empty it this way from time to time.
rambling
It's so hard to know sometimes what I should put up here. I remember when I had no followers, and it felt like it was just me, tossing my words into the ether.
I saw them like handfuls of skelatal leaves, imagined them drifting away and away to I-knew-not-where. I wrote from my woundedness, bleeding in English, onto the lined pages of my journal and across my computer screen. Back when I was falling apart, or maybe just falling, like Alice down the rabbit hole, on and on, not knowing when or if I'd ever find the bottom, or rediscover which way was up. But I did; I found the bottom eventually, and to my astonishment there were other people there. People like me, whose worlds were scrambled as snow-globes. Loneliness made me happy to see them. Compassion made me sad. But perhaps the biggest shock of all was discovering how much I'd always been right about, after being told all my life that I was the one who was constantly wrong...
Oh, ruinous land of my mother and father! I shake off your dust from my feet.
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I'm trying to move forward, but I still have trouble separating who I was from who I am. I still panic when things take a turn for the better. I still expect to be punished for being alive. But maybe it won't always be this way.
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My heart is heavy lately, and so is my mind. I feel like I can barely lift my head sometimes, for the weightiness of my thoughts. Prioritizing is the hardest part of being an adult, I think. Deciding what takes precedence in one's own life, and knowing it is no one else's call. The line between responsibility and perfectionism. The line between laziness and self-care. It's hard for me to see, a lot of the time.
Maybe this is just how it is. Maybe this is life. I can't help wondering, though, how much more difficult certain things are for me, and always will be. There's no way of knowing. Our experiences are ours alone. But I have hope, still, much as it annoys me sometimes: I hope that my life has simply had it's seasons out of order.
I was born into a hundred year's winter, ice and snow and silent malice all around, each day lived as under a curse. A curse that I have broken, now, through sheer force of will. (While breaking curses is all very well, it still takes time for that much frost to melt.) But spring will come, I suppose. Eventually.
I saw them like handfuls of skelatal leaves, imagined them drifting away and away to I-knew-not-where. I wrote from my woundedness, bleeding in English, onto the lined pages of my journal and across my computer screen. Back when I was falling apart, or maybe just falling, like Alice down the rabbit hole, on and on, not knowing when or if I'd ever find the bottom, or rediscover which way was up. But I did; I found the bottom eventually, and to my astonishment there were other people there. People like me, whose worlds were scrambled as snow-globes. Loneliness made me happy to see them. Compassion made me sad. But perhaps the biggest shock of all was discovering how much I'd always been right about, after being told all my life that I was the one who was constantly wrong...
Oh, ruinous land of my mother and father! I shake off your dust from my feet.
----------
I'm trying to move forward, but I still have trouble separating who I was from who I am. I still panic when things take a turn for the better. I still expect to be punished for being alive. But maybe it won't always be this way.
----------
My heart is heavy lately, and so is my mind. I feel like I can barely lift my head sometimes, for the weightiness of my thoughts. Prioritizing is the hardest part of being an adult, I think. Deciding what takes precedence in one's own life, and knowing it is no one else's call. The line between responsibility and perfectionism. The line between laziness and self-care. It's hard for me to see, a lot of the time.
Maybe this is just how it is. Maybe this is life. I can't help wondering, though, how much more difficult certain things are for me, and always will be. There's no way of knowing. Our experiences are ours alone. But I have hope, still, much as it annoys me sometimes: I hope that my life has simply had it's seasons out of order.
I was born into a hundred year's winter, ice and snow and silent malice all around, each day lived as under a curse. A curse that I have broken, now, through sheer force of will. (While breaking curses is all very well, it still takes time for that much frost to melt.) But spring will come, I suppose. Eventually.
March 8, 2011
be still my heart
I can't stop thinking about how big he isn't.
I miss you, baby. I miss you so much I can hardly move.
I miss you, baby. I miss you so much I can hardly move.
March 7, 2011
omg
Really reaching the end of my rope with Customer Service, I think. The last week or so it has been harder than ever before to bite my tongue and be polite to the awful/rude/belligerant/obtuse customers who try to rip me off every day. I was abused by other people for most of my life, but for over a year I have not been a part of any abusive relationships... So it comes as much more of a shock now when people treat me badly, and I am getting angry. REALLY angry. Too angry to be continuously serving customers; I fear I am going to become something of a liabilty if I don't get out very soon.
Today, a horrible woman gave me a very bad time, then gave the assistant manager a bad time, then gave the manager a bad time, carrying on in a loud voice and insulting us and the store and saying she didn't have time for this (um, SHE didn't have time for this?!) and basically trying to get us to do what she wanted. We each said/recited the exact same thing (in effect: "no") and finally she stormed out... But then, just before she got in her car, she walked halfway back, and flung the banged-up shoes she had been trying to return at the store windows!!
Bitch, please.
Thankfully she was a pathetic shot, and the shoes landed miserably short, but still. Such infantile behavior. I'm telling you, it was all I could do not to cut her to bits (verbally, of course) while she was standing there insulting me.
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So. Hope hope hoping that I will get that wonderful phonecall, be able to give my notice, and finally see the light at the end of this tunnel. Once I quit, my dream is to never have to work in retail again. It's just not the thing for me.
Today, a horrible woman gave me a very bad time, then gave the assistant manager a bad time, then gave the manager a bad time, carrying on in a loud voice and insulting us and the store and saying she didn't have time for this (um, SHE didn't have time for this?!) and basically trying to get us to do what she wanted. We each said/recited the exact same thing (in effect: "no") and finally she stormed out... But then, just before she got in her car, she walked halfway back, and flung the banged-up shoes she had been trying to return at the store windows!!
Bitch, please.
Thankfully she was a pathetic shot, and the shoes landed miserably short, but still. Such infantile behavior. I'm telling you, it was all I could do not to cut her to bits (verbally, of course) while she was standing there insulting me.
----------
So. Hope hope hoping that I will get that wonderful phonecall, be able to give my notice, and finally see the light at the end of this tunnel. Once I quit, my dream is to never have to work in retail again. It's just not the thing for me.
progress
I seem to have finally overcome the strange dread that was paralyzing me every time I tried to sew, and am busy again making things for the shop. Click over to my crafty blog vera kate gets creative to see a couple of new items, and several more soon to come!
March 4, 2011
eep!
On Monday I went and did an office skills assessment for KP Human Resources, and this morning I got a call from the recruiter: I did really well on my assessment, and they want to call me back and set up an interview for sometime next week.... Fingers crossed! This could (finally) be it, the opportunity I've been waiting for.
March 3, 2011
one week
My birthday is just one week away! It always seems to sneak up on me so quickly, once the new year begins. I will be 27 years old, which sounds to me like a splendid age to be.
I will be having a little dinner party with some family, and then over the weekend my sister will be here and we will go have some fun in San Francisco. Can't wait!
PS: I've been getting asked a lot lately what I might want as a gift, so I'm letting everyone know there is a tab at the top of the page where interested parties can find my Birthday Wishlist... or you could just click on this link. ;) Cheers! --v
I will be having a little dinner party with some family, and then over the weekend my sister will be here and we will go have some fun in San Francisco. Can't wait!
PS: I've been getting asked a lot lately what I might want as a gift, so I'm letting everyone know there is a tab at the top of the page where interested parties can find my Birthday Wishlist... or you could just click on this link. ;) Cheers! --v
March 2, 2011
March 1, 2011
:::::::
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
Dale Carnegie
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