I believe that it is possible to be happy and fulfilled without children, and I absolutely believe that a woman can live a meaningful life without ever being a mother. But for me, having my son is what changed my mind about living. It made me not just want to live, for the first time ever, but to live the best possible life. To set goals and pursue them, for real, not just say something that sounded nice and then dwell on all the reasons why it was impossible. The goals I have for my life now still seem big and far away, but I know that I can reach them, and I am determined to show my son that adversity does not guarantee failure and delays do not equal defeat.
I won't ever say, "If I can do it, you can do it." I don't know what you can do; only you know that. But I have room in my heart for you, and for your struggles, because of how I chose to deal with mine.
January 18, 2015
January 6, 2015
freedom of/in/from religion
"What's God?"
"You know when you want something real bad, and you close your eyes and wish for it? God's the guy that ignores you."
The Island (2005)
I have been pretty torn over the question of whether I want my son to grow up with or without a religion. Phil was raised Catholic but has not quite settled into anything as an adult. I grew up in a non-denominational church; Sunday School and bible stories, starring roles in Christmas and Easter choirs. I was a youth leader for several years, only ever listened to Christian music, went away to Australia to attend an evengelical school for six months when I was twenty. I know the bible fairly well, can have a conversation/heated argument with just about anyone about it if necessary, and I think it's good and useful knowledge to have. Knowledge I want my son to have as well, should similar conversations/arguments arise for him.
In my life now I've thrown out every religious rule that I used to try to follow so carefully, save the only one I believe really matters: love one another. In my deepest heart I believe that there is a god, that Jesus loves us and that his love drove him here, to do something exquisite and unlikely and compelling. But when I needed it most, when my heart broke open and my mind flooded with dark memories long shut away, and the carefully crafted facade of my pretty life crumbled around me, the Church failed me--and with second and third and fourth chances, never improved--so I am done with church. I went to a service for the first time in years, during our Christmas trip to WA, to please Phil and for Hunter to have a new experience. I did not enjoy it, but thankfully it was pretty innocuous since they sang Christmas carols instead of worship songs and the message was direct contemplation of scripture, not just some guy telling us what's what and propping up his opinions with a bible verse here and there. I handled it, but I was glad to leave.
I want Hunter to be educated so that he can make his own decisions. If he decides that God and Jesus and all the rules are legit, or that Buddha or Muhammad and Allah know better what they're about, or that the Universe is one and life is inherently beautiful and meaningful, or that the Universe is one and we are all in entropy, or any combination of any of the above, I will love him exactly the same.
December 28, 2014
December 24, 2014
the true story of Christmas
P: Who can tell us the true story of Christmas? The real story?
R: Oh, me! Me! Ok, so FIRST of all, there were these three wise men. And they saw an awesome star. Not just a regular star, it was, like, a really special star. A super big awesome star, very bright. So they followed it because they wanted to see what it was for. It was for a special baby. And they had presents but I can't remember what they were.
A: I know! Beauty, and good dancing, and... and everyone to love you.
R: No, no, no. That's Sleeping Beauty! Ugh.
A: Oh.
R: Ok wait, I remember now, there was some gold. And Franken-stince, and... Merl. I don't know what that is. I don't know why they brought that. But anyway the baby was born in... uh... Gotham.
V: Wait, was the baby Batman?
R: No!! It was baby Jesus. Oh yeah, so it was Bethleham, not Gotham. He was born in Bethleham in a barn and the animals let him sleep on their hay to stay warm. And he didn't even cry. And there were cows and sheep and stuff eating the hay but baby Jesus was just sleeping and he didn't care. And shepherds came too and angels and the wise men brought their presents for the little baby boy.
A: The baby was a boy?! What?!
R: Yes, duh! Jesus is a boy so he was a boy baby. Like baby Hunter is a boy. And that's the story of Christmas. I think.
R: Oh, me! Me! Ok, so FIRST of all, there were these three wise men. And they saw an awesome star. Not just a regular star, it was, like, a really special star. A super big awesome star, very bright. So they followed it because they wanted to see what it was for. It was for a special baby. And they had presents but I can't remember what they were.
A: I know! Beauty, and good dancing, and... and everyone to love you.
R: No, no, no. That's Sleeping Beauty! Ugh.
A: Oh.
R: Ok wait, I remember now, there was some gold. And Franken-stince, and... Merl. I don't know what that is. I don't know why they brought that. But anyway the baby was born in... uh... Gotham.
V: Wait, was the baby Batman?
R: No!! It was baby Jesus. Oh yeah, so it was Bethleham, not Gotham. He was born in Bethleham in a barn and the animals let him sleep on their hay to stay warm. And he didn't even cry. And there were cows and sheep and stuff eating the hay but baby Jesus was just sleeping and he didn't care. And shepherds came too and angels and the wise men brought their presents for the little baby boy.
A: The baby was a boy?! What?!
R: Yes, duh! Jesus is a boy so he was a boy baby. Like baby Hunter is a boy. And that's the story of Christmas. I think.
December 1, 2014
November 14, 2014
November 12, 2014
kicking butt
I was going to say that first-time parenting, working, and being in school all at the same time is seriously kicking my butt, and that's why I'm so tired... but then I decided that I am seriously kicking butt at it, rather, and THAT is why I am so tired. If I stopped caring about any part of all this, I would definitely get more rest.
So. Now I feel more empowered.
Today I am thankful for my busy, needy, beautiful son, and the way he has inspired me to work harder than ever to make our lives better. xo
So. Now I feel more empowered.
Today I am thankful for my busy, needy, beautiful son, and the way he has inspired me to work harder than ever to make our lives better. xo
November 5, 2014
note to self
People say it gets easier but I'm pretty sure that's a lie.
It never gets easier, you just get used to it, kind of--except for when you don't. Except for when you feel like crying for days or just walking out the door without looking back, without even closing it behind you. You're not bad for thinking it, I promise. Because you didn't do it. (That would be bad, if actually you did it. But you didn't.) You're still here. And your baby loves you more than the sun. And you'll get used to that, too. This baby that will grow up and get big and strong and hairy where he once was soft and smooth, and yet will still be your tiny sweet baby standing there, always, if you just squint your eyes a little. He will grow up and never be able to grasp, not quite, how much you have done for him. World without end, amen.
But these are the easy days, really. I'm sorry. I know you're too tired to hear that. I won't tell you to enjoy every moment; just try not to ever hate it. It will all be over soon. So soon, too soon. This too shall pass and your memory, that kind and helpful friend, will soften these days and make them not only palatable, but sweet. Meanwhile: You are doing a really good job.
Now for the love of god, go take a nap.
It never gets easier, you just get used to it, kind of--except for when you don't. Except for when you feel like crying for days or just walking out the door without looking back, without even closing it behind you. You're not bad for thinking it, I promise. Because you didn't do it. (That would be bad, if actually you did it. But you didn't.) You're still here. And your baby loves you more than the sun. And you'll get used to that, too. This baby that will grow up and get big and strong and hairy where he once was soft and smooth, and yet will still be your tiny sweet baby standing there, always, if you just squint your eyes a little. He will grow up and never be able to grasp, not quite, how much you have done for him. World without end, amen.
But these are the easy days, really. I'm sorry. I know you're too tired to hear that. I won't tell you to enjoy every moment; just try not to ever hate it. It will all be over soon. So soon, too soon. This too shall pass and your memory, that kind and helpful friend, will soften these days and make them not only palatable, but sweet. Meanwhile: You are doing a really good job.
Now for the love of god, go take a nap.
October 29, 2014
October 15, 2014
things my son wants to eat
1. Whatever mommy is eating: Like, literally, no no no mama I want that take it out of your mouth and give it to me oh here let me help you I will just take it out myself.
2. Whatever mommy is eating, but placed directly into his hand or on his tray or in his own bowl or on his spoon. Please do NOT get the desired placement incorrect.
3. Floor food: Snacks that were previously rejected from the lofty position of the high chair but now seem appetizing again on the floor. It's all about perspective, apparently.
4. Electronics
5. Books
6. Whatever daddy is eating
7. Breastmilk
8. Baby approved snacks, one flavor at a time in order of preference: All the yogurt drops, then all the goldfish, then all the peaches, etc. Depending on level of hunger, less desired items may be dropped/flung to the floor. (For later reconsideration, if I am not fast enough, as mentioned above.)
9. Imported European baby formula that takes 2-5 weeks to get here and so sometimes has to be supplemented with domestic formula that makes him wonder if we really love him at all and what kind of life is this?
10. Lovingly crafted organic fruit and vegetable purees
2. Whatever mommy is eating, but placed directly into his hand or on his tray or in his own bowl or on his spoon. Please do NOT get the desired placement incorrect.
3. Floor food: Snacks that were previously rejected from the lofty position of the high chair but now seem appetizing again on the floor. It's all about perspective, apparently.
4. Electronics
5. Books
6. Whatever daddy is eating
7. Breastmilk
8. Baby approved snacks, one flavor at a time in order of preference: All the yogurt drops, then all the goldfish, then all the peaches, etc. Depending on level of hunger, less desired items may be dropped/flung to the floor. (For later reconsideration, if I am not fast enough, as mentioned above.)
9. Imported European baby formula that takes 2-5 weeks to get here and so sometimes has to be supplemented with domestic formula that makes him wonder if we really love him at all and what kind of life is this?
10. Lovingly crafted organic fruit and vegetable purees
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