Happy Birthday, No-No

day of hope

So many days spent in darkness before I finally realized: the light never went anywhere. It's only that I had my eyes clenched shut so tight. There is no shame in it, I was only protecting myself -- brilliantly, I might add. I hope one day you will see it too, if you haven't already. That the light never leaves you. That you can be warm again if you want to.

I will probably lose friends over this pregnancy. I know what it's like, a betrayal almost, to go to a place that housed your pain and find it filled instead with tentative hope that you are not ready to take part in, not yet. I'll understand if you don't want to come here anymore, though I'm still myself, still willing to hold your hand, and your pain will never be strange to me.

I am grateful for the space I had to know myself, before this baby came along. We can enter our relationship on sturdy, even ground. I am not desperate for this baby. I do not need him/her more than he/she needs me. We are bound by our mutual relationship, no more and no less, rather than a pre-existing need to possess or replace, and already I am giving my baby a better start than I ever had a chance at.

Love and light to you on this remembering day, wheverever you are, whoever you are.

Hurting and healed, desperate and calm, eyes open or shut -- you are worthy.



Visit Project Heal for information about the Day of Hope. Or read more of my thoughts on babyloss here.

side effect

Being pregnant has made so many old memories fresh again. I dream about some thing that happened or some member of my family I never see anymore weekly, if not nightly. Mostly it does not rattle me too badly, but it does make me thoughtful and sometimes sad. During the day it stays on my mind and I have told P many little stories over the last couple of months, stories I've never told anyone. It is good to get them out, and P takes it in stride. He's learned to listen and nod and say "That's weird" or "That's fucked up" and then let it go. And I nod too, and keep folding the sheets, because that is all I needed from him. On their own, these anecdotes in a normal family might only make you wrinkle your nose or shake your head, but all together, and combined with the deeper tragedies behind them, it is rather terrible to think about. I am thankful to have someone to be with me in it and also help me push past and through. I did it by myself for so long.

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for September 20th. If we find out it's a girl, I've decided to get into counseling again right away. If it's a boy, I may wait and see how it goes. Either way I'll have a support team on standby after the birth. I am at a million percent risk for postpartum depression, and I am not willing to put myself, P, or the baby through any more of that than I can help.

drawbacks

The worst part about riding a crowded train every day has got to be the overabundance of eye level penis.

currently

Apartment living has its pitfalls (most of our annoyances have been plumbing-related) but so far things are working out and we like our new place. Fremont has pretty much every convenience you could ask for, and we are enjoying exploring the area. I am really happy with the way life is coming together right now; the apartment, the baby, and being with a really great guy who loves me and enjoys my company. I feel like things are on track for once, even though it scares me to say it. I am just trying to appreciate this time, and take each day as it comes.

two lists

Things I Used To Enjoy But Which Baby
Apparently Finds Highly Offensive

Coffee

V8 Fusion fruit juice

String cheese

Cheddar bunnies

Goldfish crackers

Every other kind of cracker

Vitamin Water

Cashews

Peach yogurt

Broccoli (and most other vegetables)

Apricots

Apples

Sprite

Chocolate

Cheerios

Mexican food

Sweet smells

Excessive heat

Things That Baby Approves Of

Smoothies

Apple juice

Roast chicken

Pancakes

Chinese food

Peach cups

with bated breath, we wait