and thirty-one

Well.

I started October with nothing to say, and ended up with a record number of posts. Thanks for following along with me on my 30 Days adventure. It was good for me, I think. But October has thirty-one days in it, you know... So I thought I better come up with one more idea.

While I would love to make and send Christmas gifts to all of my readers and BLM penpals, even I, Duchess of Taking-On-Too-Much, can see that that is just not realistic. But I still want to do something nice, so I decided for Day 31, I will have a giveaway instead.

There will be two different prizes:
1. A short story, written by me. The main character will be your child's namesake (or, if you are not a parent, the story will contain certain elements per your request.)
2. A lap quilt, handmade by me. Embroidered with one name (or word), per your request. You may also specify a color scheme.

There are three ways to enter:
1. Use one of the following words in a sentence: surreptitious,
valiant, ethereal, luscious, squalor, epitome, chagrin.
2. Tell me what kind of animal is most like you, and why.
3. Tell me one good thing that you will never forget.

Be sure to specify which prize you are interested in, and don't forget to include your email address, so that I can contact you if you win. (Also if you are not one of my followers, please include a link to your blog so I can check it out!) I hope some of you lurkers out there will take this opportunity to introduce yourselves.

NOTE: In order to protect your privacy, I will not be publishing these
comments -- so please don't hesitate to enter! Feel free to spread the word around, and link back to this post. Winners will be chosen and announced a week from today, on Sunday, November 7th.

thirty

Day 30 - a dream for the future

I dream of letters of acceptance. I dream of a book with my name on the spine. I dream of people in my life who will say "Ailis" and "Noah" out loud. I dream of family meaning all I ever hoped it could. I dream of a husband, and of countless happy memories shared. I dream of children of our own. I dream of seeing as much of the geography and humanity of the world as I possibly can. I dream of a house that feels like home. I dream of true courage, strength, and hope.

backwards to go forward

Took a little time out this morning, to regroup, get my head back together. Sat in the B&N Starbucks with my notebook and a warm drink and let some of my fears out onto the page. I'm glad I got out today. I needed to go and do and be in the context of the outside world. Needed to add an experience to the too-short list of Things That Didn't Hurt Me that I carry in my short-term memory. I knew if I turned on the computer I wouldn't leave it till I had to go to work. It was tempting to hole up in my room again all day. But I didn't! Go me.

I've been feeling a little off track, a little (a lot) overwhelmed. I recognize this feeling all too well. It puts me right back to 2007. Which is probably why I've been freaking out, and no wonder. What a year to go back to. Ugh.

But the Big Dream is from that year, so it makes sense, I guess. It didn't work out, before. So I am terrified of failing again, even though I have a way better shot this time around. It's so hard to believe in anything, and harder still to forgive myself for not believing. I don't like to admit how awful everything was. It hurts too much. I want to trust... but trust what? Nothing springs to mind. How can I trust myself, trust "God," trust in anyone or anything, when the vast majority of what I've known of life so far has been betrayal, heartache, violence, pain? Too much. It's just too much. If this is what I am thinking, no wonder I've been eaten up with anxiety. No wonder I've felt so far away. I want to be far away; far from these feelings, far from my past.

In allowing this dream back into my heart, I am forced to face the fact that it has not come true yet, and the reason for it not coming true. The reason that it is beyond scary. The reason I stopped pursuing it, years ago.




Last time I dreamed this dream, I got raped.

[God. My blood pressure plummeted, and I almost just passed out, typing that. I'm sure I must be white as a sheet. Deep breaths.]





3 1/2 years ago, I was getting ready to take the first steps. I had been gathering information, and mustering up my courage in secret, and I was poised to leave my family of origin behind, find my own way, move to California, be a nanny (or a secretary), go to college. I had been doing research, in fact, at my grandparents' house that night. And then my fragile hopes were shattered by a random act of violence, three blocks from their front door and two blocks from mine.

I retreated immediately to the core of myself, and all of my emotions went into hibernation. The devestating message I gleaned from this experience was: You will never escape. How dare you dream? How dare you even try? You are garbage. You are a dumping ground for other people's shit. You have no other purpose but to move through life as a magnet for violence. You will die at the hands of those who wish you harm. You will never escape.

I had suspected as much, for many years. But here was the proof. And here was I, finally old enough to put coherent summation to my suspicions.





And then there was a baby... and then suddenly, there was no baby anymore.

Oh, Ailis! My heart aches for you. Thank you for coming, sweetheart. Thank you for being a spot of warmth and light in the cruel and colorless world I knew. I'm so sorry I am only able to see and express this in retrospect. You did not come from evil, but despite it. I will always hate what happened to me, but I will never regret your life.





I am trying to give myself grace. I have to forgive myself, for needing a different pace than other people. For being different from them in so many ways. I also need to make room inside myself for the idea that there might be a few people out there who can sit with me in my pain, and get it, even never having experienced anything like it themselves. That for every five people out there who have said the exact wrong thing to me, perhaps there is one who would say the exact right thing, given the chance. Maybe those people are out there too, and maybe I will find them someday.

This is the beginning of finding that space, I suppose. A small opening in my thinking, and in my heart.

twenty-nine

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

My dream for this year is actually a Big Dream from years ago that's been revived only recently. I hope to find a job -- either as a secretary in a respectable company or as a nanny in an upper class home -- in a big city near the water. Probably Oakland, for now. Work for one year, maybe two, and then go back to school and finish my English degree, preferably at UCLA. (You can make fun, or try to tell me that an English degree is worthless; but you will be wasting your breath. It is worth something to me.)

During this year I also want to finish my book, get the rest of my dental work done, pay cash for a used car, and travel to India with Laura in the fall. And I would not be averse to having a boyfriend again, as well...

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In a little less than two months, I am going to Australia for a holiday. I hope that I can be fully present, and enjoy every moment of my time there. I hope that I can come back feeling refreshed and energized, ready to push forward and make new things happen in my life. Before then, I plan to join a nanny agency, and see if they are able to place me with a family starting in January or February. I will also be checking in with my contacts at KP, in case they are able to offer me a position in the new year. I would be open to either option really. It would be so nice if I didn't have to come back to my current job, but could begin a new adventure instead.

I hope that this coming year, frustrating as it is sure to be at times, will be one of exponential growth, and experiences I can be proud of.

twenty-eight

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse


click to enlarge

This was a fun one, and a welcome reprieve from my heavy thoughts of late. Not sure what the contents of my handbag says about me, but, there it is.

walking away from the wreckage

She wanted to cry, but Emma knew that if she started crying now for everyone and everything she had lost, she would never be able to stop crying. So she dusted herself off instead, and started walking away down the beach to explore. I have no place of my own anymore, she thought, but maybe I can make one.

The storm hadn't taken everything she had, after all. It could never take away her brave heart, or her cleverness.


Kage Baker, The Hotel Under the Sand

twenty-seven

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death

I really don't think any of my habits could be called bad. But perhaps the one that makes me feel the worst, that I never used to do before, is when I calculate how old my babies would be, and then compare them to the children that I see out and about. I think about what my kids would look like, how they would smell, what milestones they would be achieving. I think about what it would be like, if I had someone to be strong for, to stand up for. Someone to teach how to be human. Someone to pass on my delights to, and to discover what their own delights are in return. I think about how if they were here, even if I had to work, and I missed them desperately while I was there, at least at the end of the day I would get to come home to them again.

I spot one particular child in a crowd, and I remember, methodically, everything I'm missing.

lyrical

Just wanted to share something pretty.
Goodnight...

twenty-six

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

This past week was not very indicative of what things are usually like. My friend Laura was here, which was great. We spent a fun few days together. But after that, my week went careening downhill, and I had to go back to work anyway, and I spent five hours on the verge of tears every night for five nights, until yesterday, when I had a day off.

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It was hard to say goodbye to Laura, to watch her go and know it will be months before I see her again, before I see anyone who really knows and understands me again. I am so lonely. I miss my friends and my remaining family so much. It makes sense, that I would be sad, but then it turned into this weird guilt complex. I felt bad that I couldn't just be happy that she was here, that she did come, even though she had to go back home again in the end. I felt bad that I couldn't make my good feelings last. I felt broken.

Suddenly, everything seemed like too much. Work was awful, a black hole sucking away my soul and my hope and any future opportunities. For some reason my parents were back in my thoughts, taunting me, their cruelty and neglect coloring everything I noticed about myself and the world around me. I've been feeling so much loss. So much hurt. I feel like if it's not better by now, it never will be.

I've fought so hard for my recovery. And now I'm at a place where I want to give up. Again. I've been here before, and I got through it. But it's hard to want to, this time. The people here love me, but they don't know me very well. They don't know how to encourage me without making me feel pressured. I would very much like to give up. I would like to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head and just check out for the rest of the day, maybe the rest of the week. But I don't have that kind of luxury anymore, like I did last year. It's make-it-work time.

I just wish I had at least one person here, right here beside me, who I felt like I could count on, who I knew wasn't going to leave. I have never had that. Ever.

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Things aren't usually this bad anymore. I was almost feeling strong, for awhile. But I know there are no simple solutions for what ails me, and I am doing the best I can.

bad idea

Note to Self: Do not eat sugar right before bed.
It makes you dream of the crocodile. STOP DOING THAT.