jetset

Well, I'm off to Australia for the holidays...
I hope that moments and hours and days of joy will find you this season, wherever you are.

another brother

Dear Benjamin,
How are you, small brother? I've never thought of you so much in my life as I have these last few days, and I'm not sure why.

I was very young -- probably too young -- when I learned about you. I hardly understood what "abortion" even meant, except from the context of the conversation. I remember our mom talked about it like a memory of a dream. A baby who was never born. A baby boy, another brother. He would be younger than Kyle, but older than [Gretchen]. Baby Ben.

Of course, she made it her thing, presented it as her thing, like she always does. As if it was nothing to do with me. As if her choices and her struggles had no effect on my life whatsoever. As if it were her trauma alone, and her tears to cry, and there was no reason for me to be getting so upset about it. And maybe that's why I shut it down, put my feelings about you away; because she acted as if I were stealing something that wasn't mine. But you are mine, too, aren't you? You are. You're my family.

I could say all kinds of angry, bitter things here about our parents, and I could speculate about what it might have been like, if you'd had a chance to be born; what might have been better, what would have undoubtably been worse. But really all I wanted to say was: Hi, baby brother. I'm your older sister, and I remember you. Maybe you've met my children, your neice and nephew? Maybe the three of you are great friends by now.

You would be about 22 years old, I think, if you were here. But you're not here; and it's sad to say, but I can't help thinking maybe you are the luckiest sibling after all.

Peace be with you, my dear. Happy Christmas.
Love from you sister -- Vera

indelible

+

If my girlie had made it to her due date, she would be turning 3 years old today.

I miss you, sweetheart. I miss you so much.
XO -- mama

love in a white square envelope

I've received a Christmas card in the mail, all the way from Ireland. Before opening it, I sat and held the envelope in my hands for a few moments, savoring the knowledge of all the miles it had traveled, the many hands it had passed through, the enormous cooperative effort required just to bring it to my door.

Inside was a sweet card, and an ornament for Ailis; a red felt heart with her name on it in tiny, perfect stitches.

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Have you ever been crying in a crowded public place, but you're all alone and you have a lot of things to do, so you're trying to hide that you're upset, and you think that possibly you're succeeding, since no one even seems to notice that you're standing there at all? But then, just when you start to feel like you've almost got it under control, somebody in the rushing crowd suddenly stops, and looks right at you, and maybe even wraps you up in a hug; somebody you don't even know, but who is kind, and who sees you, and sees your pain, and decides that it matters, for some reason, to them. And when you realize this -- that your pain matters -- you know you can't hide anymore, and you don't want to anyway, and you find that you're crying harder now than ever...

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Opening my envelope from Ireland was like that.

Thank you, Ines. For your kindness, and for remembering my girl.
I kind of love you for it. I would hug you if I could.

every little thing I do, I do for you

remembrance

I am planning on doing a babyloss tribute while I'm away. If you are one of my followers and your baby's name isn't on this list, please leave me a comment and let me know. I don't want to miss anyone.

confused

Yesterday was great, last night was less than great, and today I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. WTF?

so sew

I am busy busy busy being creative. I'd love to show you what I've been up to, but all of my projects are gifts, so until they are in the proper hands I guess the photos will just have to wait.

I put three lovely packages in the mail this morning, made a final trip to the fabric store, purchased some travel essentials for my trip, and found a few of the Christmas gifts that I still needed while I was out. It's been a productive, no-pressure day, and I feel pretty great.

Now, to put on an episode of Glee, and get back to my sewing machine!

slipping

I awoke all full of good intentions this morning but suddenly I find that it is 1pm already and I have not done any of the things I was going to do before work... except decorate my blog for Christmas.

Oh well.

december so far

I am borrowing a laptop for a few minutes, so that I can write an update. My computer monitor is broken, so screen time this past week has been non-existent. I can do a little bit on my phone, but it's not the same. Writing takes a lot longer on a tiny keypad and my battery drains faster when I use too much 3G. So it's been weird, and I've missed this place. Should have a new monitor by tomorrow though. Fingers crossed!

My sister came to visit over the weekend. We went to see the latest Harry Potter (completely fantastic, by the way), which is one of our personal traditions, and had a comfortable visit. Also I started seeing a nice boy who is very cute and who I like very much. I am still cranking out Christmas gifts, and counting down the days till I leave for Oz.

That's all for now -- V