allay

A bad night calls for hot tea and toast in the morning, and a good book to read.
If I could have all of the things on my "calming" list, perhaps this day could be salvaged...

livid

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter. --James Earl Jones

I've been having really awful dreams. Vile nightmares, about the disgusting rat bastard that was my father, and the things he used to do. In the dreams, I am also trying (and failing) to protect my sister from either knowing what is happening to me, or from being hurt herself. I wake up feeling dirty, frustrated, and ashamed, composing hate-mail in my mind.

My response is appropriate. Those feelings are normal and I was not allowed to feel them for many years. And if they are coming up now, it's because some part of me wants to process it and get it out. Some part of me thinks I'm ready. But the rest of me doesn't. The rest of me thinks I will never be ready because this stuff is the ugliest and most repulsive stuff on the planet and I'd rather just pretend it's not there, that it was never there. But I know that it is.

Perhaps I should give in. No one wants to be miserable, so this is a difficult decision to make. But. Right now, I don't have a lot of serious commitments. I work a shitty retail job where I am, as per usual, underappreciated. I'm not back in school yet. I'm not married. This is as good a time as any to fall apart for awhile. To be gentle with myself, not expect too much. Because. You know. After all.

I am so sick of this cycle, though. I always think I've made some progress, I feel good for a little while, and then... and then the dreams come back. I can only hope that the nightmares and the nausea and the helpless rage will become less and less frequent as time goes by, and I allow it to surface and leave me.

six

Day 6 - ten things that calm you

- the smell of books
- a strong embrace
- lying on warm sand
- reading
- ocean sounds
- hot tea and toast
- watching movies
- shopping/trying on clothes
- bubblebaths
- snuggle time with Soph or Ciss

five

Day 5 - your favorite quote since your loss

But love is born in life, and death cannot end it. --Mette Ivie Harrison.
For love is as strong as death. --Song of Solomon 8:6.

One or both of these quotes will probably be incorporated into my next tattoo (sans references). Only since losing my children have they stuck in my mind so fiercely. I need to believe that they can feel my love in some way, even now; that love really is as strong as death. Not stronger, I know. No matter how I love them, I cannot change what has happened. But as strong. And death is very, very strong. Death cannot be undone -- but then, neither can my love.

I also really like this quote, which I wrote in Noah's baby book:

four

Day 4 - your favorite book

Oh dear. In case you haven't noticed, I read a lot. I have probably forgotten about more books than many people have ever read in their lifetime. I started memorizing when I was two or three years old and learned to read, by osmosis, before kindgerten. My teacher used to set me up on a high stool in the afternoons and have me read aloud to the class while she checked our schoolwork.

Reading was the best escape I had from the nightmare that was my waking life. The library was my sanctuary, my safety; I knew that nothing bad could ever happen to me there. The library that my mother took me to was old and dim, the air dusty and stale. I would lay on the ancient carpet, alone for an hour or more, surrounded by stories and giddy with possibility. The smell of books still calms me instantly.

I really don't think I could ever choose one favorite book. So here are a few of my enduring faves. (You have no idea how long I agonized over this list! Ugh.) This is me, showing restraint...

Books I Have Loved for Over a Decade:
1. The Tale of Desperaux, by Kate DiCamillo
2. Zel, by Donna Jo Napoli
3. Treasure at the Heart of the Tanglewood, by Meredith Ann Pierce
4. Spindle's End, by Robin McKinley
5. Enchantment, by Orson Scott Card

two & three

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day is one of my favorite movies of all time. It is funny and moving and all set within a period of 24 hours and it is absolutely delicious. You should watch it. Really. As soon as possible.

Another fave is Stardust. (Though this trailer doesn't do it justice, I'm afraid.) The story is as gorgeous and humorous and real as a story can be, and I love it. I also recommend the book, by Neil Gaiman.

Day 3 - a television program that moves you

Glee is the one show on television that completely transports me. I enjoy The Office, Project Runway, and 30 Rock as well... But only for that one hour on Tuesday nights am I totally unaware of any of my problems or pain. I sit on the couch with a big silly smile on my face the whole time.

One reason is because it is delightful. It is ridiculous and melodramatic and crammed with song and dance numbers, and is over-the-top in a way that reminds me of theater productions, which I have always enjoyed so much. Another reason it has such an effect on me is that it was first introduced to me by my darling Pamela, who is awesome. She had come from Australia to visit for a couple of weeks, shortly after I lost Noah. She was so gentle with me, and somehow knew just the right balance of when to listen and when to distract. One of the very few things she insisted upon was that we make sure to watch this new show that was going to be on TV, because it was going to be soooo funny. And she was right. (Of course.) Watching that premiere with her was the first time I had genuinely laughed at anything for several dark and dreary weeks.

Thanks, Pammy! I still think of you every time it's on.

one (part i)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child

Reminds me of Lissie:


I only discovered this song recently, but the first time I heard it I immediately thought of my little girl.

At the time (when I was pregnant), I felt so incredibly overwhelmed. I was so emotionally unhealthy, so battered and bruised. Yes, I do believe that I had it in me to be a good mother even then; but oh... it would have been so very hard on us both.

I remember one night, the only night I came out of my denial for long enough to have a vivid memory of doing so. I remember thinking, Oh baby, what are we going to do? I want to be good at this; I want to be able to be everything you need me to be, but I don't know if I can right now. Maybe you should just leave. Maybe you would be better off.

I cannot even describe the guilt I felt for thinking those thoughts, afterward. Even though I had absolutely no control over what happened, I still manage to tell myself all kinds of awful and untrue things. I know in my deepest heart that I only ever wanted what was best for her; and maybe this was it. But what I wouldn't give for an almost-three-year old, fast asleep in my house tonight.

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When I would play my song / You used to sing along / I always seem to forget / How fragile are the very strong

I'm sorry I can't steal you / I'm sorry I can't stay / So I'll put bandaids on your knees / And watch you fly away

I'm sending you away tonight / I'll put you on a bird's strong wing / I'm saving you the best way I know how / I hope again one day to hear you sing

one (part ii)

Reminds me of No-No:


I think this music video must be the reason for the persistent notion I have that Noah died at Christmastime. Even though it was really late summer, I played this so many times that the light displays are permanently linked in my mind with his loss, and continue to make me feel vaguely melancholy whenever I see them.

The way she passes her hands over her stomach at the beginning guts me every single time.

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Look down, the earth below is crumbling / Look up, the stars are all exploding / It's the last day on earth / In my dreams, in my dreams / It's the end of the world / And you've come back to me / In my dreams

Every time anybody speaks your name / I still feel the same / I ache, I ache, I ache inside / I ache, I ache, I ache inside / I ache, I ache, I ache inside / I ache, I ache, I ache inside

Reticence problem -- solved!

Borrowing an idea from Angie over at still life with circles, and hence will post for the next 30 days on predetermined subjects (which can be found in the Page Tabs above). I've been really frustrated with my inability to say exactly what I want to say lately, so I'm hoping a little writing exercise will help loosen me up until I can figure out what the problem is.

And so we begin.

a new month

October. How did that happen?
Wish I had something important or clever to say, but I don't...